Scarred Roses

Chapter twelve: changes

Nobody ever knew about my lapse two days ago; not Ingrid or Leo, not even Audrey and especially not Nick. Audrey had yet to return from the fair-well party; the celebration itself was long-since over, but whether it was her final goodbye to Thomas or to me would have to take much longer. Ingrid and Leo were busy with problems of their own, and as for Nick...I hadn't been brave enough to face him yet. Since I ran away from him at the lake, I've been thinking hard about what happened and what I would say when I had to face him again. But honestly, what could I possibly say to have this make any sense? To make him understand I'd have to tell him the truth, and I wasn't ready to do that. Not yet. So where did I go from here? I've not the slightest clue.

I was sitting in the living room, shoes in hand, trying to make a decision. Go to Liliowy or stay and think some more about this? I've been stewing over this for two days already and still, it didn't help. Maybe the answer would come to me as soon as I saw him; yes, that was it. He knew how to make sense of things! It was settled then. Slipping on my shoes, I marched out the front door with a purpose in my stride, nearly skipping the letterbox entirely, had it not have been for the raised arrow. Flipping the lid down, I was intent on just taking the mail inside before locking up the house. No newsletter, just two, thick envelopes and a piece of torn, folded paper sitting on the top. There was no stamp, no return address on the back, just 'Hazel' written on the front in thick, messy pencil. How odd, I thought, gazing at the paper. Nobody I knew had handwriting quite like this, unless of course it was...there was only one way to find out, I suppose.

After sinking back onto the sofa, I unfolded the piece of paper and began to read:

Hazel.

I've left. I've decided to use that money to actually get the train fare I've been putting off buying for an express to Krakow. By the time you're reading this, I'll have long gotten off the train. After losing my family, I really didn't think there was anything in the world worth living for. You taught me different. Now I know that I can have a fresh start, but I don't think I can do that with you in my life.

We've have our fun, you know that. You were the first girl I ever liked, but don't think that means I can throw everything away for you. I know now that it was nothing more than a stupid fling and I don't think it really meant anything to me at all. Affection never lasts these days and I don't want to stay around for the day we find ourselves hating each other. And you know that'll happen eventually.

I feel bad about leaving like this, but I know it's what's best. I need to move on with my life and you should too. You're a good person Hazel; maybe someday you can get out of this dead-end village and get a life. But you can't do that with me.

I'm sorry,

Nick.

He's gone. He's left, and he wasn't coming back. I didn't know what to feel; angry enough to trash the living room, sad enough to burst into tears? Heroines in the movies usually did a little of both; collapsing onto some sort of chair or chaise in a fit of graceful, sorrowful sobs. I felt hurt, but I also felt...empty. Cold. I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of such a dramatic reaction. So what did I do? I did nothing. I just sat there, clutching the letter until it crumpled in my hand. I didn't care about it; it was just wasted lead on torn paper.

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I went about the rest of my day, feeling completely numb to everything. When I made my lunch, I cut my finger on the knife I'd used on the bread-I didn't feel that. When I poured the tea I nearly burned the side of my hand-I didn't feel that either. Then as I tried my best to stomach the lemon-curd on toast, I didn't taste anything. Just a lump of flavourless mush that went uneasily down my throat. I didn't want to feel anything over this-what was the point? Raging and crying wasn't going to make him come back to me, and I knew he couldn't just stay in Liliowy forever and be my on-call, private boyfriend. I would just have to accept it and move on-just like he was.