Scarred Roses

Chapter four: Confessions, a tea party and all that went with it

I was sick when I woke up this morning. I rarely caught colds, almost never had the flu, not even hay fever could affect me. But pure nerves did the trick. I threw up twice, maybe three times before I was certain that there was no more to come up, then cleaned and groomed myself so meticulously, I thought there literally couldn't be one hair out of place. If I was finally going to confront Nicholas, then I was going to look sensible. Next, I chose my outfit; a periwinkle blouse, a plain, black skirt, fine, black stockings and a pair of Mary-janes. Something that wouldn't make me look like an overgrown, porcelain-doll. In case I were to get sick again, I chose not to eat anything for lunch; only a glass of milk to fill my stomach. This was it. Time to face him. If he was still there, of course. Only, a small part of me doubted he would've left just yet. He was curious too, and he was never the kind to leave things half-finished.

I left a note for Audrey on the kitchen bench before I set off, down the driveway, and along the grassy paths. The greatest thing about Liliowy Park was that it was less than five minutes away from our villa, so if I needed peace of mind I could have it at any time. And I was still going for peace of mind-in a way. That, of course, depended on how this would all pan out.

As I weaved between the oaks and birches of Liliowy's forestry, I thought about what I was going to say to him, and how I was going to say it. I had to be firm with him, to show him that I wasn't quite as submissive as I used to be, but at the same time, I had to be tactful. He wasn't going to give me anything if I sounded too forceful. God, this was all so crazy! I had to think like Molly, from the book. Molly was a kind, moralistic person who knew right from wrong. She was a confidante, a friend, and she knew how to stand up for her friends. What would she do, in the face of a former bully? She would hold her head high, remember her dignity, and hide her inner-pain. That's what I would have to do-hide my pain and show only what little confidence I had.

He was there, sitting beneath the Lilac tree, as if he hadn't moved since yesterday. He had a very expressive face, I noticed. A furrowed brow, and his bottom-lip caught between his teeth; a thinking look. What he was thinking about was never obvious to me, not even back then, but intuition told me he might've been just as conflicted about this as I was.

"You're back," he said, the thinking-look vanishing as he turned to face me. "I wasn't sure you would come."

"I wasn't sure I would either. This is, as you already know, very...complicated."

"I didn't mean for it to be!" He insisted, "but you were bound to realize sooner or later-I just thought it'd be better coming from me."

"I suppose that's true. So, where should we start?"

"Well, I should probably explain why I attacked you those last, few times." He said, "I've been working on controlling my anger these past years; a lot of the time it's been really hard. I've met a lot of bad men, evil people who deserved a good punch in the face; but for the sake of my family, I had to learn to control myself. I'd gotten pretty good at it too-until we were separated. I could be a better person, and I'd only lose myself occasionally. I'd go into another room to do it, or outside, and just find something to punch. But when we were separated, I didn't have an outside or another room to calm down. If anything, I think I had more reasons to lose my temper at them than before. And then we were free to leave, and that's when I started to wander. I had a few, short jobs here and there, but they never lasted beyond a week. I just wanted to find somewhere nice to live, maybe settle down and find myself a wife, and then I found Bolen.

"I had a small job at a fruit Orchid, just near the outside of the village. The man who run the orchid was called Ottoman-do you know him?"

"I know him-he's a little hostile towards young people."