Jay was angry, but that was okay. It's better to be angry than to be afraid. And her anger was just about all that was keeping her fear at bay. Anger at the nurses and their damn smiles. Anger at the doctors and the control they wielded over her. Anger at Garcia and her ridiculous reaction to something she didn't even understand. Couldn't understand.
She stopped and closed her eyes for a moment, just listening. God she missed silence. Silence meant safety. But the hospital in which she was trapped was never silent. Whether it was medical staff talking or machines beeping or footsteps tramping down the corridor, there was always noise. Endless, constant noise, putting her on edge and making her jump at every decibel. She knew she couldn't show her frustration, even if she could what good would it do her?
Her wrists were cuffed to the hospital bed, effectively immobilizing her, and as if that wasn't enough they could pump her full of sedatives at a moment's notice. Her vulnerability, her helplessness was infuriating.
Hotch had dropped by earlier but she hadn't wanted to see him. She didn't want to see any of them. They brought back memories she had fought for years to suppress, painful memories. They reminded her of things she would prefer to ignore. Things like the fact that three years of her life had been stolen from her, or the uncomfortable truth that she wished they had never found her.
So rather than acknowledge their sympathetic glances or their supportive smiles, she stared straight up at the bland, white ceiling, absorbing the nothingness. Allowing the emptiness to consume her. Hotch seemed to understand what she was doing. He didn't stay as long as he had before and he didn't try to talk to her. That at least was a relief; hearing English did nothing to put her at ease, it only increased her anxiety. English was forbidden.
She jumped as the door to her room opened again, then scolded herself; it was only Reid. Yes, it was only Reid, but the tension in her muscles remained.
The man yelled out in fear as he fell to the floor, knowing that he had lost. 1058 was there in a second, pinning him to the floor with her knife to his throat. He was terrified.
She gasped at the suddenness with which the memory dashed into her thoughts. Reid looked at her in concern, wondering whether he had somehow done something wrong, had spooked her somehow. He had, but it wasn't his fault.
She pressed the blade against his throat, producing the finest line of blood beneath it. His face was white with terror and he was trembling. He had squeezed his eyes shut, as though that futile action could somehow postpone the inevitable.
But she couldn't do it, wouldn't do it. She threw the knife to the side and backed away, staring at the Watcher in defiance. "Do whatever you want to me." She spat. "I won't kill for you."
She had forgotten how young Reid was, although he definitely looked older now than he had when she had last seen him. A lot can happen in three years.
"No! Don't!" 1058 screamed, struggling against the hands that held her as the whip came whistling through the air.
Jay swallowed and clenched her fist, fighting to keep the memories at bay.
She let out a strangled moan of pain as the coarse horsewhip was slashed across her skin, leaving a sharp line of fire in its wake. But she refused to give in. She refused to let them turn her into a murderer.
Reid shut the door behind him and took his usual position next to the bed. "Umm, hi, JJ" He said awkwardly. He sniffed a little. He had been crying. Now that she looked closer, she could see that his face was ever so slightly blotchy and his eyes a little red. "How are you feeling?" He asked.
