Insomnia

Chapter 3

The light inside me was gone. I would never be the same person again. That happy, cheerfull, kind and confident person I used to be, is gone. It was replaced with anger, sadness, bitterness, darkness.

I was out with my mother to the café, she dragged me along with her, wanting to spent more time with me. I didn't really want to go, lately I didn't feel like socializing with people anymore. Kimberly broke off her friendship with me, probably because of the way I've been lately.

When we got home, I went straight to my room. The voices started whispering to me again. They have gotten pretty bad and I just want them to stop, I couldn't handle it anymore. I decided to give in, hoping they would leave me alone for a bit.

I reached into my drawer, I couldn't believe what I was about to do. The voices wanted me to do this. I grabbed a pocket knife and stared at it as I slowly brought it up to my wrist. I cried in pain as I made multiple cuts on my wrists.

I hid the cuts with the sleeve of my sweater and went to sleep soon after.

The next day, I went to tell my mom, I had to tell her before the voices make me do more things. My mom was angry with the fact that I didn't tell her earlier. She immediatly made a psychologist appointment.

I had gotten pretty depressed, I discussed everything with my best friend, Justin.

I decided I'd visit him, I wanted to give my mom time to process everything.

We were sat in his room, watching YouTube videos on his PC, when I suddenly felt his hand on my leg, moving up my leg all the way. I felt an immense feeling of fear as I froze, to scared to say no or to stop him. He proceeded touching me in other places as I tried to hold back my tears. He started to undress me and he did things I could have never imagined he'd do to me. I couldn't believe my best friend would do such things. I was pretty lonely, so I convinced myself I did that willingly. So I went back and it happened again, 3 more times. After the fourth time I realised I got raped by the guy I saw as my best friend.

Meanwhile I was still struggling with the voices, night terrors and hallucinations. The hallucinations scared me and snuck up on me randomly, I'd get panic attacks every time, in class, anywhere. The voices made me cut myself even more, burn myself, take drugs and more. The night terrors were so often and bad, I'd wake up in a panic attack every night.

According to the psychologist I suffered from severe insomnia, depression and anxiety.

After what happened with Justin, I'd get an immense feeling of fear whenever someone touched me, even if it was just my shoulder. About a year later I finally opened up about it. Apparently I had developed PTSD from the situation with Justin and the insomnia.

I tried taking my own life, multiple times, by overdosing. But one try left some permanent damage, it damaged my immune system and destroyed some of my pain receptors, so I don't really feel physical pain anymore.

To this day, 2020 now, 4 and half years later, I still suffer from PTSD and I've been broken, beyond repair. I can't trust anyone or let anyone in, it's lonely. My anger has gotten so worse, I get images of murder in my mind, it worries me. I'm currently in trauma treatment, which is hard.

The hardest moment about being a rape victim, was when I had to take a STD test. This intense feeling of dread.

This story, this is what happened to me in real life. I wanted to write this, to express myself. I decided to cut the story short, it's hard to write about, too hard to make the story longer. So I summed everything up. I choose insomnia to be the main focus, because it actually was what led me to my breaking point in the first time. The PTSD after all is caused by the insomnia, well and being a rape victim. PTSD is a life long battle and you'll never be the same again.