Forget Me Not (Completed)

First Day

Dear Bennet,

Life is an interesting thing to explain. I mean try trying to explain it from the perspective of someone who never lived. Neurons and chemical imbalances and tantrums and anger; none of it makes one bit of sense. I'm not trying to make excuses, but... I think it's a combination of all of those things that make up me... and for a long time I wasn't okay with that. I hated the way my genes aligned, the way I thought, my deepest feelings, and I thin when you hate yourself like I did it's easy to do bad things... to let yourself be bad things. 

Anyway, I know it might be crazy to talk to you like this, but it makes me feel good, and I've learned that stuff like that is precious, recognized or forgotten. 

I know this isn't like me.... I've never been philosophical and shit like you, but still... I've been feeling introspective and reflective. I've been spending some time going over our time together in my head and I decided I wanted to compile it. There's a lesson to be learned, and I want to make sure I don't forget it. I hope you can indulge me.

You remember how I was back then. I was a douche, a jock, a monster. I loved sports, and I still really do, just now I play because I want to, not because I've got some twisted point I want to prove. I guess you could say I was pretty athletic. When we met, or re-met, I was really into swimming. I think that was always my favorite, but I'd never let my father hear me say that. At least I know you'll keep all my deepest secrets. 

I've been a million things in my life. A nerd, a jock, a jerk, a generally nice guy, I hope, but I always wanted to be something else. Every new phase I entered I was nostalgic for the last one and anxious for the new one. By sophomore year of high school I decided I didn't want to be a nerdy little picked on kid, so I joined a whole bunch of sports and sacked off in school. It was easy to do, but I regret the time I missed to this day.

I know you'd scold me for not taking my studies seriously enough, but I swear I regret it!

I feel like a jerk for saying this, but for a while there I really thought you and I couldn't be friends if I was like that. We'd always been so close, but it was hard to gel friend groups. I realize that sounds really shitty, and I'm sorry, but it was. I pushed off from you, made new friends, bad friends, nasty friends.

I remember when I found out we'd have lockers near each other; I was so upset. I can't believe it now, but I was so angry with you and everyone that I didn't care about anything. 

In my defense that morning I overslept. I had to jump into survival mode. You know when you jump into high gear and speed through everything? Suddenly I had the speed of the Flash and the strength of the Hulk. 

With a half an hour to get ready drive to school, I grabbed the first outfit I could find. Geez, Do you remember how I used to dress? Joggers everyday, white tee shirts, white crew socks, and slides... it was atrocious. Gelled blonde hair with close buzzed and contacts finished the ensemble. Peak 2017 fuck boy clothes... which I suppose is what I really wanted to be. How could you let me out of the house like that, Benny?

Anyway, I didn't get to eat breakfast before dashing out of the house with my keys. It was cool to be the only sophomore who could drive, but I was old for my grade, having repeated kindergarten when my dad thought I was too short. Looking back I can't imagine anything more asinine, especially seeing as how I'm 6'5 (and very proud), but maybe there's a part of me that's grateful because otherwise we might not have ever met. 

As I pulled up to that old school in my mom's car there were these awful dark clouds and I was pissed more because that meant they'd cancel practice. Really I should have been grateful because practice on an empty stomach was shit, but I was only pissed then that I'd miss out or get wet.

I put in my headphones hoping to jam the pain away, but my girlfriend had other plans. Upon seeing me she ran up and pulled me into a tight hug. With a growling stomach and an angry heart I'm not sure I was all that receptive, but it wasn't her fault.  

You remember Jackie right? She was a very nice girl, and still a dear friend to me. You always lied her if I'm remembering correctly. She was a cheerleader back then, I think that's why I asked her out in the first place. That may sound shallow, but I was in a really bad place during high school. I'm sure you know what that's like better than I ever could. 

"How've you been? I missed you!" She squeezed me tightly, so much I had to chuckle. She was tiny but strong. 

"Hey Jackie," I greeted with an eye roll. "I guess I kinda missed you too."

"Jerk." She punched my shoulder. "I've got to go, my locker's far... but I'll see you for lunch?"

"Sure," I reluctantly agreed. 

I remember looking at my crinkled up locker number from orientation, and just being angry. You know how sometimes you're just angry? Well not you, I guess you never really got angry unless I deserved it. But I sometimes had trouble controlling my emotions. 

"Jay?" Your voice called as I got to my locker, and I looked up to see you standing there. It kills me to admit, but I was pissed to see you. I wished you were somebody, anybody else. For that, among the multitudes of other mistakes I've made, I'm sorry.

"It's Jonah." I rolled my eyes walking away after correcting the nickname I demanded in childhood. I didn't want to look back,  but something deep inside told me to. I don't know if you remember, but you were looking right back at me with a look of pure confusion etched onto your face.