paper

another old draft

There are so many things I'm scared of.

I'm scared of death. I'm scared of people hating me. I'm scared of my family dying. I'm scared I'm not enough.

Our past experiences can be interesting. When one is strong enough to hurt us, fear takes over and tries to shield us from the same experience repeating. It's like an overprotective parent who doesn't their precious little one harmed again. I think this is interesting. 

But let's talk about me because I feel like being selfish today. 

When you've had your trust broken several times.

When you've had your faith in yourself and others broken several times.

This is me. 

I'm sure I'm not the only one. Unfortunately, loads of us have had our trust broken, by a close friend, by a family member, by a girlfriend/boyfriend, by ourselves. 

There are things we all dislike about ourselves. 

There are things we dislike about them.

And this can cause fear. 

Think about it: when you're jealous, it's essentially fear of that person's ability and a reminder of how they're good at that thing and you're not. 

Jealousy goes hand in hand with insecurity after all. 

Hm. 

Okay I just felt my brain wandering off so here we go. 

Here's a thought I've had.

I'm scared I'll lose my best friend. 

I'm scared. I'm scared of her dying, I'm scared of me messing things up, I'm scared she'll turn her back on me, I'm scared she'll realise all the things that I hate about myself and go, I'm scared, I'm scared. 

Last time I had a best friend, she turned out to be toxic and she sent me loads of hate mail before siding with the bullies and proceeding to threaten me.

The time before that, I thought she was amazing but she let jealousy and her insecurities turn her into someone else and because I never really confronted her and told her about it, our friendship suffered. I'm not perfect and neither is anyone else. Sure, I've made mistakes. I've been unkind. I've been cruel. I regret a lot. I wish I could take it back but I can't. 

I have trust issues. With others. With myself. With everything.

There's always that voice at the back of my mind: "what if she's right?" "What if she's with them?" "Can I trust her?" "Is she telling the truth?"

Then I'm honest with them, tell them how I feel, then I realise I was wrong, then I realised I've hurt her and the next thought is "I'm a bad person'.

I cannot trust myself. 

There have been so many times I've messed up the good friendships, but I can't seem to mess up the toxic ones and keep the good ones.

It's a few months later.

I'm reading this draft a few months later. 

I think

how far I've moved on.

Away away

Far away.

Okay maybe that was an exaggeration. 

I think fear is a cautious and interesting thing. It can keep us from doing things we want to do. It can remind us we're human. It doesn't leave us but it can build us, like how you can only dismantle or pile a bunch of building blocks on top of each other since pounding on them with your bare fists on wood is going to hurt. 

I'm glad I've experienced the feelings I've had. Because I remember how I got over them and I know what thoughts lifted me out of the dark. And when I see a cloud over someone else, I know how to brighten it up and let more light in instead. 

I regret nothing. I feel everything.

I don't mind

fear.