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Hi...hello...

It's been a while, hasn't it? It's been a while since we've last talked.

During your absence, I've listened to so many breakup songs and love songs, both happy and sad. During your absence, I've lost myself so many times and found myself again in different places and things I do. During your absence, I've fallen apart so many times and now I don't even have the strength to cry.

Maybe I should hate you...maybe I should be angry at you...I'm not sure, but I do know one thing.

I miss you.

I miss you so much, it's a physical ache in my chest. It's like I'm carrying the weight of the sky with every bird on this planet in it. It's like a constant pounding headache behind my ears, because I don't know what will make it better, how long it'll be there and no matter how much fcking hot water I pour over myself in my shower, it won't go away. 

I miss you so much and I hate knowing you're suffering and I can't do anything to help. I can't reach you at all and I'm just forced to watch you turn your back, hugging your knees, so I can't see you cry, all from my side of the glass wall.

I want to cry, but I can't. I hate this. I hate this clogged up feeling, I hate how I can't do anything to help to the person who means everything to me and I hate how I don't even know how long this will last. 

Another month? What about months?

What if it's...years?

I don't want to forget you. I think I'll end up forgetting you, because if I think about you every day and the situation...I don't know how long I can stand that pain. 

I miss you...I miss you so much it's a physical ache. I miss you so much that I see you in everything I do and say...always...at any time of the day. 

I wish I could cry, but I can't and that hurts too. I want it out, but it refuses to leave, just like no matter what you've done and all your broken promises, my love for you refuses to leave, because the truth is, I still love you. 

And yet even though every love song I listen to is about you and me...every heartbroken ballad I hear is too.

I'm torn between so many possibilities of what you could be going through. I'm torn between doing what's right for you, what's right for us and what's right for me and I don't even know how I feel about this, because there isn't one word befitting to confused, angry, miserable, heartbroken, anxious, worried, overwhelmed, frustrated and tired. 

I want to be distracted, at least until you come back. If you come back.

I hate how it's an if not a when. 

I hate this.

I miss you. 

I miss you.

And...I still love you.

I hope one day I'll be able to sleep again with a smile on my face instead of memorising the creases of my ceiling and wondering if you're even alive. 

Maybe to save my own heart I should say goodbye, but you and I both know that our story's far from over. And besides...how can I ever say goodbye to you?  How could I ever walk away from someone who made me so happy and taught me so much? 

They say love comes with pain, but when will it end? How long will this go on for? 

Tell me. Please tell me, because you're the only one who knows how long it'll go on for and I'm tired of having to dance to your show. I'm tired of not knowing what to do, not knowing whether you're alive or whether you've done something to yourself, not knowing what to say, to do, what to even feel and I'm sick of dedicating every love song I write to you. 

I don't want that break up song in my drafts to ever be completed...I don't want to ever have to say goodbye like this, because I don't think goodbyes should be non-verbal.

Tell me. I'm sick of guessing. 

Tell me it'll be over soon. I don't like waiting. 

I can feel myself losing it more and more as we speak...

I can't believe how much this is affecting me...you've hurt me and yet I still miss you...I still love you and for that reason, I wonder sometimes whether my heart will be my saving grace or my falling grace. 

I don't know anything anymore, but I guess I'll have to keep walking down this empty road, alone in the dark. 

Meet me in a bit, will you? I miss you so much.

I just felt like writing this and idk why I'm suddenly miserable all of a sudden, but this helped anyways.