my most intimate thoughts

Imperfection

I like appearing as though I have it all together; as if the happy face I put on is completely real and I have nothing to be upset about. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a sad person, not sad enough that I'm faking it all the time. I have many moments where I'm genuinely happy- teaching Sunday school makes me happy. I enjoy making those relationships and helping them understand.
But I do have times where I'm struggling to force a smile and act like I'm okay. It's easier that way, I've learned. If I feign happiness, there won't be any unwanted questions that I'll have difficulty answering because i don't even understand all of my thoughts so how can I possibly explain them to others?
I struggle with imperfection. Big time. Realistically, I know it's impossible to be perfect so why am I the exception? Why do I have this sense of urgency, this tug on me that says I have to be perfect?
I wish I knew
I often compare myself. It's dumb and doesn't accomplish anything but I can't help it. For my appearance in particular, this is a low point. I can't help but wish my hair wasn't so frizzy and unmanageable, that I could fir into the clothes I used to wear again; that my face wasn't so gross. Even when I'm feeling okay, something in the back of my mind is telling me I'd feel better if I looked like that person, if I did a few changes my life would be better.
It's exhausting
It's something that would make me die of embarrassment if I told someone. Am I sounding dramatic? Maybe. But to admit that I'm doing what I swore to myself I'd never do, it makes me feel stupid.
But back to the imperfection. I'd felt this since middle school, 8th grade to be exact. There wasn't something big that caused it. I didn't have a sudden epiphany where it all came crashing down on me. I suppose it was subtle.
It certainly didn't help that my slightly older cousin decided to play mom with me and whenever I resisted against her, she would start on a tirade. She isn't a Christian, so she would cuss and making me feel so low and think nothing of it. I guess she thought it was the only way to get through to me.
It was while I was going through a tomboy stage. I'm still not the most girly  person you'll ever meet but now I won't make a fuss like I did. Anyway, my cousin felt like it was her duty to do something about this. I used to be a girly girl when I was young (like dress, tights, hair curled, hates jeans girly). Maybe she saw it as concerning. Maybe she thought I was trying to change for someone. In reality, I just didn't want to do it anymore.
Long story short, it caused a rift between us. We weren't really all that close before it, due to me just becoming a teenager and she was nearly out of her teens. But I started to feel resentful towards her.
She compared to me to other girls, insinuating that I wasn't as pretty as them which shook my already fragile self esteem
She told me that I wouldn't be able to dress how I did once I got into high school. It was childish to wear tshirts in high school, she'd said. I don't think she really believed it, she wore tshirts too so maybe this was just to make me believe it. Either way, I'm not sure
Not only did our semi relationship fall out, but so did my own self worth.
My imperfections eat away at me. I'm reminded that while I may feel good about myself occasionally, there's someone else whose better.