Twelve Days

Day Zero

I laid on my back, staring at the ceiling. I took deep breaths and I felt my chest rise and fall. I felt the air rushing through my body and as I breathed out I thought I could see a little cloud coming out of my mind. It was only that minute where I relatives it was pretty cold in my apartment. Somehow, I didn't feel it. In fact, I didn't feel anything. I wasn't even sure what I was supposed to feel. "Jace.", I heard Alec whisper next to me. Usually I would turn my head to look my best friend in the eyes but I couldn't. I know how these eyes looked. Wet. Red. Teary. Sad. I didn't want to see that. I felt his hand taking mine and I allowed him to do so, but I didn't respond with squeezing it or anything. I breathed out and watched another cloud coming out of my mouth going up to the sealing. I heard the clock in the kitchen going tick, tack, tick, tack. I new those were seconds, running like water through of my hands. And there was very little water left in my hands. In fact, so little water that it might just be enough for twelve days.

Some hours earlier
Alec and I were in Alec's car driving back to my apartment. I just had my final visit at the doctor's. My test results were ready. And they weren't good. A year ago, after I had extreme issues with heavy muscle cramps and numbness I got diagnosed with a very rare disease which affected all the muscles in my body. I was going numb step by step, day by day my muscles got weaker, no matter how much I tried to live a healthy lifestyle. "One day you won't be able to run. Then, you will be too weak to hold a spoon. And one day, your heart will be too weak to beat.", The doctor said to me once. I knew this disease was irreversible and my life expectancy was shorter than the one of a completely healthy guy my age. I knew that. But my symptoms increased rapidly. The cramps got worse. The stages of weakness got heavier and appeared more often. Somehow, my disease was taking its way very fast. At least that was what it looked like. A week ago I did a test. And now, I got the results. Alec brought me to the doctor's office because I felt so weak this morning, I couldn't drive a car. And I really didn't want to be in an overloaded subway. The test results were devastating, yet not surprising. I knew this was going to happen sooner or later. I prepared for that moment. My disease got worse and it seemed to get worse with every second. And I had a choice to make. The hardest choice of my life. Not because I didn't know what to choose, but because it affected my life in a way that no other choice did ever before. It was the time of my death. I had two options: I could either live a month, maybe two or approximately twelve days. But both choices had conditions. To extend my life expectancy to its maximum, I would have to stay at the hospital, I would slowly but steadily get weaker and die peacefully. If I was to choose that option, I would have to move to a hospice. Sitting in a room, waiting for death to come and pick me up, like a child waiting for its mom to arrive. Or, I could choose the second option- I would get a really aggressive medication which would force my muscles to work properly, maybe even better than ever before. I would feel good. But soon it would be too much for my body to take as the medication is really heavy. And then, I would die because all of a sudden, my heart would stop beating. So I had to choose- either a month or two being confronted with my death every single second or twelve days, somewhere, feeling good and enjoying the last days of my life. I have always been a free soul and I couldn't imagine being in a hospice, seeing myself slowly dying, not being able to walk, later too weak to eat and one day I won't have the strength to even talk anymore. I didn't want to see that. I didn't want to see myself decay, more dead than alive. I didn't want to see all those pityful looks, those nurses saying how unfair this is, how I am too young to die. And they would be right. It wasn't fair. And it was way too early for me to pass away. But I knew it would come down to this sooner or later and I had a year to prepare myself for this choice. And I made it.

"Jace, it's gonna be okay.", Alec whispered and I could hear how he was trying to hold back his tears. We have been friends for forever and for him, it must be terrible as well. "No, it's not, Alec. But I am fine with that. We have to do the most out of it.", I replied, my voice cracking a couple of times. When I turned myself on my side, I could feel my pills in the pocket of my jeans. "Do you remember how we used to dream to go to Colorado and do a roadtrip? Just the two of us?", Alec sobbed. I looked deeply into his eyes and an idea was building itself up in my head. "Do you remember how we used to talk about all or nothing, watching the stars?", He continued. I grabbed his hand:" Do you think twelve days would be enough to do that? We could take your camper, we could go to Colorado and do the roadtrip we have been wanting to do since we were little. Let's live these days as if they are our last ones. Because they are." "It's never too late to start living, isn't it?", Alec sobbs and I shake my head. It really never is.