Life

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I may only be 16, but I know more then I let on, I see more than most think I do, but most importantly I have been through enough to know life is never fair and will never be fair. 

I have a good life. I have two parents and yes they're separated but they both love me unconditionally. I have a roof over my head and food on the table. I have a bed to sleep in and new clothes to wear. 

But I have been through my fair share of bad shit. I've been depressed and I've hated myself but I pulled through. I've been made to feel like I mean nothing and I've also tried escaping my life. Karma always catches up, it could catch up immediately or take a while.  I believe in second chances and forgiving people. 

Life doesn't forgive. It remembers everything and will use it against you later on. I'm always being told I deserve better then what's happening to me but I can't help but disagree. I deserve this because I've hurt people and now it's my turn to hurt.  Karma is catching up to me and life is trying to beat me down. 

When people look at me, this is what I believe they see. Pretty brown eyes, dark brown hair, athletic build, and a smile that can light up someone's day. What they don't see is the tear-filled eyes, the messy dark brown hair, the constant body image issues, and the smile that never quite reaches my eyes. I can mask my pain easily and I can smile all day long if needed. I can be whatever someone wants me to be. But when it's late at night and I sit in bed staring numbly at my wall, I am reminded that I'm only human. I hold onto my past and I forget my future. 

Did you know the mind has a natural defense mechanism called depersonalization/ derealization disorder? It's when your mind locks you away while something traumatic is happening. When this happens you remember nothing that you said or did and it's petrifying at times.

It's scary when you're told you did something very mean and aggressive and you have absolutely no memory of it. I know it's scary because it happens to me a lot. I hold in a lot of my emotions and I refuse to release them. Well, when I do this I snap and when I snap it's like it's not me anymore... My mom says my eyes glaze over and I look menacing. I don't remember what happens after the episode of derealization is over. I have to be told everything I said or did. Imagine that, imagine getting so mad or sad that you slip into one of those episodes and not remembering a thing. think of scary it would be. Not only does this happen to me but I also witness it happen to someone who meant the world to me. She is so consumed by her past and the past traumatic experiences that she takes it out on me and my dad. He doesn't see it the way I do... He can't see the mental concerns that I see. 

Imagine that, being 16 and being able to recognize more mental health issues then your 43-year-old father can. When she gets mad she lashes out very irrationally and she will hurt you mentally and in my eyes, being mentally messed with hurts way more than being hurt physically. By being hurt physically you bruise and then it fades. Having someone pick you apart mentally... it destroys you for a long time. You gain trust issues, paranoia, anxiety, depression and a state of separation. 

I stood up for her forever. She was the mother figure I always wanted and I finally had it... but alas things don't always last. She says hurtful things to my dad and it doesn't bother him. But as soon as she mentions something about me, he snaps. I can only protect someone for so long. No matter how much I love her, I can't have someone like that in my dad or brother's lives... they both are so fragile... 

I mean yeah I'm fragile as well but I can hide it better then they can. It sucks having to sit there and pretend to be happy when in all reality I'm numb. Yet part of me will always forgive her because I don't want to lose this amazing mother-daughter bond I have with her...

I told this to my 43-year-old father, "When we love someone we are willing to overlook all their flaws in order to see straight to the good. But sometimes we can only overlook something so many times before we destroy ourselves in the process." He cried and I sat there with tears in my eyes and said, "I know you love her dad but how much are you willing to take? How many insults are you willing to take? How many mental attacks are you willing to take from her? If she truly loved you dad she would put in the effort to stop being so mean to you when something goes wrong." And he looked at me with tear-filled eyes and I had to walk away. 

My father is the strongest guy I know, he can take the weight of the world. Seeing him cry is like me being shot in the heart. He deserves so much better then what he's receiving right now...

But this is how life goes, it's sweet then it's sour, then it's sweet again. It is a never-ending cycle. 

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⏰ Last updated: Jan 17, 2020 ⏰

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