Once Upon a Time

Tear Stained Pillows

Once upon a time five years ago, I knew the sweetest, kindest, most beautiful little girl. She loved everyone and anyone. She thought that even the worst people still had some good in them. She may have only been fourteen years old but she had a heart of gold, she was naive.   

Once upon a time I killed a fourteen year old girl. I buried her six feet deep and pretended she never existed. I replaced her smile with a scowl and her sweet gentle eyes with cold hard ones. 

I once killed a girl who always laughed and smiled. In her place I put a girl who thought everyone was against her, who thought fighting everything was better then sitting back and letting it happen, I replaced that sweet innocent girl with someone who has been through a lot and still holds her head high through thick or thin.

The girl that I've killed would've never made it far in life. Everyone used her, nobody truly cared about her. Why would they?

The girl I've killed cried all the time, her pillows, blankets, stuffed animals, and clothes would all be stained with her tears. 

But you see crying did nothing, she still thought they didn't mean to make her cry. She still wanted to believe that he loved her. Her excuses would be, "I'm sure he didn't mean to upset me. He loves me so surely he wouldn't want to hurt me. " She was naive, innocent and too pure.

I replaced her with a cold eyed, scowling girl. One who doesn't tolerate bullshit, one that stands up for herself even when nobody will stand with her, I am what she was replaced with. A bad ass by day, and a depressed nobody by night. Everyone knows the mean, cold shouldered, the bad ass who can't be touched. They know my name but not my story, they see my smile but ignore the tears, they feel my scars but never my pain. 

The girl who was replaced is in a much better place, she can't be hurt she no longer cries all the time. She's much happier dead and replaced then she ever was alive and walking.

The girl who replaced her cries only at night and she keeps her voice silent as she cries for nobody needed to know. The girl who replaced her, can cry herself to sleep and wake up looking like a badass who never has anything go wrong. Of course it's all an act, she constantly has a war going on between the voices in her head and her heart. The war rages daily, pounding against her skull, wearing her down, mentally exhausting her, but she still has not backed down. She wakes up every morning with tear stained pillows and a smile onto her face. This is her daily routine. Cry all night but pretend nothing fazes her.

I am this girl. The girl with tear stained pillows.