Look At Me

Chapter Five

i stayed in bed when i woke up this morning, my eyes were glued on the ceiling. my mind was racing, and i felt irritated. why was vix so upset? i was making a new friend. this project.. this whole thing is about making new friends and branching out. shed always say how she wished i was more social.. and now that i am, its an issue?

i turned, laying on my side. my eyes glued on the toilet in my bathroom. i was frustrated, maybe even genuinely mad. and i rarely got mad. when i do.. it triggers my ocd. it makes my ticks, tick. and i hated it. having to do everything in threes, being stupidly obsessed with certain things.. it made me tired. and i hated being tired.

three soft knocks hit my door, and i gave the go to enter.

"hola bebé, tu amigo está aquí-" aunt pearl paused when she seen i was still in bed. "are you okay?"

"si tia," i smiled, sitting up. "just had troubles sleeping,"

she frowned, stepping in my room and closing the door behind her. "baby.. are things getting worse?"

"what do you mean?" i watched her as she slowly came to my bed, and sat down beside me.

"your ocd.. im worried it isnt that, maybe something else." aunt pearl spoke quietly, grabbing my hand. "why dont you come into my office, and we can talk."

aunt pearl was a psychiatrist. she worked downtown in an office building, ive never been.. and it scared me thinking about it.

"well go when you get off school together," she smiled, kissing my head. "now get up, silas is in the living room." with that, she left my room, and i was left stunned.

silas met my eyes, and it was like he knew automatically something was wrong with me. he didnt saying anything, not in front of aunt pearl at least. the drive was silent, he kept the radio on, and i wanted to thank him for that. later, i decided. for now, id sit back and think. and hear those words play in my head.

we sat together in his car in the school parking lot. the car was still running, but we had been sitting for maybe 3 minutes, enough for a song to completely play through. finally, without a word, he shut off the car, and helped me get out. we walked in to the school together, and i could tell his eyes were on me.

he finally turned, and looked at me. all he said was two words. two words, to make me completely break down. "what happened."

so i told him. everything. and he listened. he didnt judge me, he didnt make a sarcastic comment and made a stupid joke. he just listened. at one point we ended up sitting in the hallway up against a random set of lockers, i didnt remember sitting down, but i didnt question it. his hands were holding mine, and he was watching me as my eyes watched our hands as i spoke. i finally looked up, and he gave me a small smile.

"i think you should do it." he said, watching me. "i mean.. what if it isnt OCD.. and its something else? what if you dont actually have BPD?"

what if.

it was a scary sentence. i didnt like it, at all. it made my stomach turn, and made me want to rethink my whole diagnosis. "but thats what scares me, silas." i shook my head, letting his hands go as i anxious played with my sleeves. "ive gotten used to what ive been labeled as, and it might change."

silas sighed, and stood up. he held out his hand, and smiled at me. "come on."

"where are we going..?" i asked cautiously, letting him help me up.

"youre going to watch me practice for the play."

and i did. and silas, was amazing. he seemed so comfortable on stage, reciting his lines without looking at the papers. how he seemed so into it, and i couldnt help but be amazed. his costume fit him perfectly. and when it came to moving around.. he did it with eaze. they were doing a Peter Pan play, and silas of course, played peter pan himself.