Dear Karan

Chapter Eight

PAST
6th May, 1998

Sakshi's Journal

Dear Diary,

Today was one of the days where I was lucky enough to be blessed by the rarest moments presented by Karan Jha. I realised that behind the studious, well- mannered man lies the child who is very much active in him. I caught him doing spit bubbles with his friends. Yeah, it sounds weird, but apparently he was sort of having a competition with his friends. When he noticed me noticing him, horror struck his eyes as if I caught him stealing something valuable. I bit my lip so hard and restrained myself from laughing as I did not want him to embarrass himself than he already did unknowingly. He immediately turned away, flustered and leaving me to laugh at him in privacy, but I did not. When he found the courage to look at me again, I took my chance in comforting him by making a spit bubble of my own and blowing it, making a stupid fool of myself in the process for which I did not mind a bit. A thankful smile appeared on his lips, the smile that I have slowly accustomed to love. He was surprised and blown away at my gesture and appreciated my efforts in making him feel comfortable in my presence.

But slowly, his smile dropped and his eyes displayed a long, very foreign look. He looked unresolved for which I knew something was wrong and asked him but he simply shook his head and turned away. Turned away as if he was hiding something. Like...hiding something from me? From himself? It was like he was sure that I would find what he was hiding if I looked into his eyes for a bit longer.

Karan is the epitome of the feeling you get on a spring's day. Warm and cozy, the start of something new. He is so....different. Good different. It is like I am living in two different worlds, and no, I am not living the best of both. Only one. Only Karan's. For which I feel incredibly guilty. This is wrong. So wrong. I feel like I am cheating on Parth. I feel like I am happy with him. But with Karan, I know I am happy.

Ananya told me that she saw Parth kissing Natasha, which I am not sure if I believe it or not. Scratch that, I do not believe it. She is known to have a gift in spreading rumours and adores to stir the pot of gossip. But, she is my best friend and she would never lie to me. I am likely to admit that Parth and I are having problems and he is not like he used to be before. I am aware that we are having lots of fights lately, but that does not change anything. Then again, she always despised Parth. Oh, my god! Why am I letting myself get entangled much more as I try to untangle the mess which is much easier than it looks?! Why am I overthinking and over-stressing about something which is entirely unnecessary to even begin with.

Even though I hate to admit it, one thing is for certain that I secretly want to believe it. I want to believe that Parth is cheating on me. I want a reason to get out of this nightmare of a relationship which began as a fairy tale. Of course, I am devastated that the Parth I fell in love with is buried somewhere deep inside the person who I fight and fight with. It feels like history is repeating itself. Whatever Ananya told me has forced me to open my eyes and watch what is playing in front of me. I don't want me and Parth to become another version of my mom and dad. I chose to stay blind because I was afraid to acknowledge the reality of this situation, I was scared to accept it because I knew that once I accept it, the reality would tear me apart and rip me to shreds. I knew there was no going back. I will be angry. I will be stung with betrayal by the person I thought of spending the rest of my life with.

However, I have this faint ray of hope that is shining brightly at the end of the tunnel. I can see it, I can feel the warmth and I know that said light will save me real soon. The light which was always shining for me but I failed to notice. And now that I opened my eyes, the light is helping me to not get lost in the darkness of the tunnel that I was trapped in. The only thing I have to do is get up, wipe my tears away and simply follow the direction of the light that was guiding me right from the beginning.

Although...will I allow myself to let the light guide me when I am not sure what is there for me at the end of the tunnel. It will take time for my eyes to adjust to the blinding lights but once I open my eyes, is it going to be alright?