Diary of a Teenage Outcast

Chapter 2- Giving In

Before you guys read this chapter, I gonna give you a warning: If you are a self-harmer who is easily triggered, I suggest you dont read this chapter.

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Silently, I reached behind my bed , to the piece of misplaced wood and slid my blade out from under it. "It's not like it will hurt anyone," I whisper softly. Slowly, but steadily, I slid the blade across my thighs and my arms. 5...10....20....

Each one stung, but it reminded me...the pain reminded me that I was still alive in this cruel,hopeless world.

Not wanting my mum to find me bleeding, I undressed and stepped into the shower. The shower is somewhere that my mum never tried to get me out of once I was there. I often cried and cut here, but no one knew that, no one really cared. I turned on the water, and watched the steady stream of red slide away into the drain. I can remember when I was normal....when I didnt have these problems.....when I wasnt useless....but now...all I see when I look at myself is a useless stupid pointless being covered in scars and filled with regrets.

Painfully, I turned off the water and stepped back onto the tile flooring of my bathroom. They had stopped bleeding, but they still hurt like hell. Thats why I cut my thighs...I can always feel the pain even a week after...it keeps reminding me im here...the pain keeps me sane... Crazy, I know, but the truth always is....

When my mum first found out she beat me.... hit me and hit me until her rage was gone..thats when she started to give up on me. She took me to therapists, sent me to mental hospitals, but the people there only made it worse. They didnt understand me, they didnt care, They just thought my mum was perfectly fine and that I was the problem. That's what they all do, automatically look to the child. "Her mother is fine, but she is the problem," on man said. They dont care at all about those like me, they just stop trying.

Thats the reason my father left. He and my mother found out at the same time, but he left. My mother and father were never married, he just stayed to take care of me; and when I started going downhill he gave up. " She's never going to get better, Rachel, I wont deal with a manic-depressive, self-harming daughter! You can do this on your own. Bye." Those are the words he said when he called her, and I never saw him after that day...

My mum has never gotten serious with a man since then, and she constantly reminds me that I ruined her relationship, always yelling at me when she remembers she'll never see him again. It has been so long....2 or 3 years....since they found out.... My father was nice to me, never hurt me, even took me out to breakfast sometimes. When he left, another part of me disappeared. It made my depression worse...so much worse..and I cried every day for weeks....

I wonder what it would have been like if it was different..,