Diary of a Teenage Outcast

chapter 1- struggle

              "Aw great," i thought as my alarm went off, the horrid beeping sounding over and over again," why do I have to go,its not like anyone wants me there."

There are lots of things i dont like in this world, and one major thing is school. While other people have friends and interesting classes , i just have myself and the bore called life.

See, I dont try to isolate myself, other people do. Im a quiet sort of person, but it doesnt bode well for me because of how others treat me. People see me and think "oh ,shes a cutter" or " shes emo ,she doesnt belong " or they just laugh at me ,bully me and walk away. Now, normally this would bother someone, but this has happened all my life , so im slowly becoming numb to their words....

        Honestly, i think that if i accepted myself, then maybe other people would too , but accepting onesself isnt an easy thing to do. Now you might think im just being hard on myself,but its more than that. Its what happens at home that causes most of this. My parents have always told me that in a horrid,useless creature, that ill never be good enough for anything or anyone. this i hear every single day....so I finally ended up believing them....

         I've been thoroughly convinced that the world would be a better place if I wasn't here..The fact that ive almost died from trying to commit suicide so many times and no one ever tried to help me or comfort me proves my point. My parents always abuse me, beat me and scream at me.....people at school wont even look at me if they dont have to.... So , I already kindof dont exist.....

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    Once I got to school and went to my first block, hell had already begun. No sooner than I had stepped in the door did people start throwing things at me, laughing at me, and jeering horridly.  "Don't let your emotions show," I tell myself "Act like it doesn't bother you, so maybe they'll stop." So I walked to my seat, silently and awkwardly, and sat down with my head facing the wall.

     Throughout the period, everything insulted me when my name was called, or sighed, which made me wanna curl up in a ball and die even more.  It seems like nothing i do can stop them or satisfy them. Honestly, even trying to do things to appease them just exhausts me. Why am i trying ?Why must people be so judgemental, so mean? Why?

     My next block,history,wasnt much better. Although people didnt throw things at me or jeer at me, they treated me like I didnt exist. For once, just once, to be able to talk to someone, work with someone....to just...to have a friend....

That would make this world bearable, for someone to actually care...

    My last block was as an office helper, which was a double-block "class." I had to deliver things to different classrooms, sort and organize things, and such. It was a fairly easy thing to do, as I was the only person with the task, so no one would be there to hurt me. The office lady often thanked me for working so hard, and I would quiet thank her for giving me the opportunity to help.  This was the one time all day that I actually looked looked forward to because, for once, I actually got some relative peace and quiet.

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    So school ended, and I walked home. Even though its a 30-minute walk, id rather not ride with my mum in a car home. She'd probably be drunk, and very tightly-wound. The least little thing could set her off, and I wouldnt want to explain new bruises to my counselor, then go home and get more because they were noticed by someone.

     When I came home, the door was unlocked, and my mum was passes out on the couch. I guess she had another fling , and got drunk afterwards. So I quietly walked up the stairs to my room and shut the door, entering the only safehaven I had.....if you could call it that. My mum always goes through my stuff when im not home, and often yells at me when I get home bc my room isnt ocd perfect. I simply cant be the daughter she wants me to be, not with all my problems snd my long list of shortcomings...

    So I pulled out my ipod and  found the playlist entitled "sleeping with sirens" and set it to shuffle. One thing I've learned in this world is that music never leaves and never hurts you, even though people always do.  The first song that popped up was " roger rabbit." I cried through most of the song, and a few after that. I'd reached my tipping point and just completely broke.

      As Pierce the Veil began to play, I heard my mum screaming at me

"Kara Ann Williams, get your stupid a$$ downhere!!" I ran downstairs, slightly trembling in fear, hoping she wasn't gonna hit me. "WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE HOME?" Wanting to cause as few problems as possible I answered" Because you were sleeping and I didnt want to wake you up..." She walked up to me ,angrily, and slapped me in the face. " Useless child...all you do is mess things up and make excuses for yourself."

    After that, I went back up to my room and locked myself inside. I wasnt going to be eating again...even though I havent for a few days...I dont need food to survive.. My mum dosent even bother trying to get me to eat anymore, becsuse she knows I wont when she tries to get me to.

       The whole world basically treats me the same way, they have all given up on me. Therapists gave up, my father , my "friends." I stopped trying after everyone left, because I knew then that no one cared anymore. There's no point in trying to make people happy if they dont care..

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so I hope you enjoyed reading this chapter.

I know its a bit deep, but thats the point soooo yeah...

ill update soon, I promise

please vote if you liked this c: