Prima Donna | Sirius Black Fanfiction

A Secret

The gut wrenching feeling in my body never left however over the following few weeks, I had gotten used to it being there. I had stopped trying to fight it and instead, made a little place for it amongst my other feelings. Sometimes, when I was stressed or alone or trying desperately to sleep, it would resurface and I would forget to breath and Regulus's face would emerge from the shadows. My body would seize into a tonic state. I would then feel a strong arm snake across my waist and roll over in the bed forcing myself to remember that it was Sirius there beside me. It wasn't as easy as it seemed, my mind was good at playing tricks on me. I shivered as Sirius looked up from his essay in front of me smirking as he caught me staring. 

Once one challenge had been faced another one inevitably presented itself. I was leaving in two months. This new normal, wasn't going to be normal for much longer. To top it all off, nobody knew about it but me.

I forced myself to tell the girls that evening. After Lily finished gushing about James, I sat them down in a row on my neat bed (if i was being honest, it had been a while since it had been slept in). I paced in front of them as the four girls sat upright, hands in their laps watching me expectantly. I glanced across each of their faces. 

"Just bloody tell us already Milla." Scarlett sighed her eyes kept impatiently darting to her broomstick servicing kit in the corner of the room .

"I'm leaving." I said suddenly. I expected surprise but the four girls remained seated. "I'm moving to beauxbaton next semester.... you're not surprised?"

"It wasn't unexpected." Lily said slowly her red hair was dripping wet from her shower and her dark blue cotton pyjamas were slowly soaking. "You've been beyond miserable being here these last few months. Even before everything that happened with your dad. Last year we realised something was off. It was honestly kind of difficult watching you be here when we knew you didn't want to be."

Charlie agreed silently "As much as we'll miss. We could kind of feel it coming."

Scarlett, my best friend since first year, let out a small sniffle before engulfing me in a hug. This was a chocolate and butterbeer kind of night.

"Have you told him yet?" Charlie asked as she poured herself another goblet of butterbeer before spiking it with an additional shot of firewhiskey. 

"No. It's been weird enough recently, I can barely look at him without reliving that night." I swallowed the last of honeydukes best honeycomb chocolate with difficulty. Even just talking about his death made me lose my appetite. I knew I hadn't been myself around Sirius, as much as I tried to convince myself it wasn't him, my brain didn't believe me. I didn't have the guts to tell him about Regulus, after he'd had a breakdown in the forbidden forest, I wasn't sure how he'd react. "My current plan is just to slip it into casual conversation."

Lily scoffed. "And when do you plan on doing that?"

"I don't know." I sighed. I knew I was in denial, Lily's disbelieving expression confirmed my thoughts. "It'll be fine, right?"

Charlie choked on her firewhiskey "You've been dating for five months... You do realize what that means don't you? That's four lifetimes in Sirius-relationship-time. He's not going to be o.k... he's like a dog attached to his owner."

"Remember how I said when he falls, he falls hard?" Mary lifted her glass to point it at me.

"I don't want to think about it." I muttered taking a big bite of Lily's coconut chocolate... it wasn't that good. Maybe we could do long distance? Although deep down I knew that wasn't true. Five months felt like nothing, but I could feel the world was slowly pulling us apart.

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I walked through the halls arm in arm with Lily and Scarlett. Seventh year. How could it be. The last 7 years had been a blur. It felt good. But i felt restless.