city of achilles {bxb}

chapter 10

Monday

I open up our slideshow and Ms. Wang gives me a nod of approval.

"Two Sisters Of Persephone by Sylvia Plath." I open up the presentation.

"A poem about how men ain't shit." Leon adds jokingly, but it's the modern equivalent of this poem. The class laughs, even though most of them are taking the time to finish up their own slideshows.

We exchange a look before I change the slide again. Leon gives a run-down of who Sylvia Plath was, her kids, her husband, and how she died (leaving out how she stuck her head in the oven and turned it on, killing herself). The way he lays it all down for the unattentive class so confidently makes me feel more confident. When it's my turn to speak, I don't stutter as much as I normally do during presentations.

It goes by quickly. It just...flows. Usually, it feels like I'm up there for a thousand years struggling with my words and struggling to coordinate things with my group, but I feel an overwhelming sense of calm despite my hangover. It almost feels like regular back and forth banter between Leon and I. It feels like we're having a conversation with each other, even though we're not addressing each other beyond occasional eye contact and glances. Garret is the only one watching us intently. Lacey, the girl beside him (and the girl from the senior study the other day), watches occasionally.

We finish up and get a scattered applause and a "Good job, boys" from Ms. Wang. Leon nudges me when we sit back down. He does that a lot- I don't mind it.

"Hey, nice job, SK." He says.

"SK? That's new."

"Subway Kid."

I smile. That's cute.

"Seriously. Good job. I was a bit worried about your hangover."

My heart melts a little bit. My heart is a series of candles and I have to admit that there is a little tea light in there for Leon and a small drop of wax just dripped down the side. He was worried. He's so fucking nice.

"Hey, you deserve half the credit." I counter. "Thank you, though. But you still did some of my work and I owe you big time."

He shrugs. "Guess we just make a good team."

I smile again. I'm so stupid. "Guess we do." Stupid! Stupid.

The man in my head spraying me with a fire hose: Bad dog! Bad dog!

I take out my sketchbook and start sketching a hand. I fucking hate drawing hands, everybody does, which is why I'm trying to draw one. I don't want to hate it anymore. I put in an earbud and put on Floral And Fading which reminds me a lot of Jackson. He loved Pierce The Veil. Although he despised this song in particular, he described his romantic side as "defined by PTV". Thinking about him today, I remember how much he badly needed to learn. We wouldn't have worked out even if I hadn't broken up with him.

Jack always made me very nervous. I felt insecure around him and constantly felt like I was walking on eggshells because he was a very aggressive person. More aggressive than your average emotionally stable teenage boy- I remember he used to push me away a lot whenever I tried giving of myself at times and told me that his pushing me away was a sign that he loved me. Sort of like my dad, who spent months away and told me he was doing it because he loved our family. In retrospect, that fucked me up. I'm aware it was a result of Jack's own insecurity because he didn't think he was worth loving. The next crush I had was on a guy- well, a man- named Benson, who was even colder than Jack. Benson was a custodian at my old school who I occasionally spoke to. To this day, I can't understand why I became so obsessed with him. The first day I met him was grade ten in the spring.