city of achilles {bxb}

chapter 11

Wednesday

Today, I wear a tie. A red tie. I haven't worn colour to the meetings in probably about two years. Leon wished me luck on the talk today in mythology. I'm gonna need it. I refill my water bottle with Fireball, which is definitely ambitious, but it's exactly what I need.

The entire time I'm sitting there, all I can think about is the talk. The rest of the bullshit they're spewing doesn't even bother me because of how anxious I am. About ten minutes before my talk, I go to the washroom to prepare myself. I tie my hair up again and take a swig that's probably equivalent to half a shot. It burns my throat which is exactly what I need. I take a few more until it hurts too much. I've taken about three or four shots at this point and I know I should pace myself, but I can't get enough of the pain and take a couple more.

I make my way back to the auditorium and sit near the front, since I'm going up in a few minutes. There's a mother and a daughter up there right now, acting out a scenario. I'm not paying attention, but it's probably something generic about a JW daughter going to her JW mother after school complaining about just how immoral everyone at school is and how difficult it is to stay loyal to God in the wicked world. Then the mother pulls out the Bible and they have a study where they shit on her peers and the entire secular world as a whole

The alcohol starts hitting me almost instantaneously when Acker is finished pinpointing what they did well and what they did badly. It's a public thing- he goes up on the podium and gives them criticism in front of everyone whether they want it or not. They constantly mistake 'humiliating' for 'humbling', because they're ready to use whatever emotional abuse tactics they can.

It doesn't feel real as I walk up onto the stage and stand at the podium, because I barely feel nervous. I'm so numb that my brain can't even begin to process anxiety. I lay out my material in front of me and open up my Bible to Leviticus 18:22 so that it's ready. I adjust the mic slightly and clear my throat. I look out into the audience and already see a look of disappointment on mom's face and I feel the ghost of a smirk tug on the corner of my lip, because that's the exact expression I was expecting from her. I feel like I'm God and that's enough to get me to start speaking.

"In today's twisted, dark, world overruled by Satan the Devil, sexual immorality is everywhere. We are barricaded by adulterers, fornicators, and homosexuals."

I start. I make sure to put emphasis on the key words. Hearing myself recite this while I'm drunk makes the smirk harder to hold back which I'm okay with, because everyone will know I'm being sarcastic. I don't look over at mom as I continue.

"This issue of homosexuality is more like a crisis. Young ones every day are being sucked into this-" I stifle a giggle. There's no way I can say 'suck' so passionately while drunk and take it seriously. "...this lifestyle, detrimental to our relationship with Jehovah."

"Let's open our Bibles to Leviticus 18:22 to see what He has to say about this issue." Is the first thing I say normally.

I hate this. I fucking hate this. I don't believe in any of this shit. My sarcasm is going over the heads of the children in this room. My feeling of silliness fades when I look down at the page. I read the verse in a somber voice.

"You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination."

It strikes a dismal chord inside me to read these out loud. I look out into the audience again and see the little boy who kept staring at me a couple weeks ago, wide-eyed, attentive. I see a look of pride on mom's face that I haven't seen in years. Acker watches me like a hawk. David Mendoza watches me with a serious expression. I look at the kid again then look at mom, preserving a picture of her looking proud of me in my head, before taking a sharp breath in and consolidating my decision in my head.