angst baby
-
I clung onto Taylor's hand as we stepped into the gymnasium. It was prom night of senior year. We'd made it so far. They wore a knee-length black skirt with a white button up tucked into it. They had a black bowtie on with it, and a matching black blazer on. They looked amazing.
I wore a regular tuxedo. I ignored the glares from my.. Un-inclusive peers. Taylor, on the other hand, was extremely nervous. They'd practically had a breakdown on the way from my house. I tried my best to help, but there was no way they'd feel better just from my encouragement. Especially since I knew something was bound to happen before the night ended.
"Hey, guys!" Kaitlyn waved at us from across the room, a clear plastic cup of punch in her hand. She stumbled over, probably drunk from the more than likely spiked punch. She gave me a big hug, then moving on to Taylor. "You made it!"
"Where's Ben?" I covered my ears, almost yelling over the loud music.
"Bathroom?!" Kaitlyn shrugged, taking another sip of punch.
"Okay.." Taylor took the cup from her, taking a swig and then tossing it in a nearby trash can. "No more alcohol for Kaitlyn."
"Damn," She sighed, rubbing her temples with pressure. "Ben's been gone for a hot minute, maybe we should go get him?"
"I'll look for him, you guys stay and enjoy yourselves," I kissed Taylor on the cheek, walking off to the men's bathroom. As I stepped inside, I glanced around, not hearing or seeing anyone at first. "Ben...?" I murmured.
I heard faint sniffling. As I did, I noticed only one door was locked. I walked over and knocked on the stall door. "Ben?" I hummed softly. "You okay, bro?"
When I didn't get a response, I sighed loudly. "I'm fucking praying it's you, dude, cuz I'm crawling in there." I maneuvered myself under the door and found myself standing before Ben, who was sitting on the toilet and cradling his head in his hands. His glasses were up on his forehead. He was crying. "Woah, are you okay?" I kneeled before him, taking his hands from his face and peering at him.
"Most definitely," He replied shakily, giving me an okay hand gesture.
"How long have you been here?"
"Twenty minutes," He whimpered. "Do you mean in the bathroom or, like, here?"
"Here," I replied, standing up and leaning against the door of the stall.
"Twenty minutes."
I laughed quietly, crossing my arms at him. He seemed to have stopped crying, which was good. He pulled his glasses down upon his nose, glancing to me, then the floor. "I need to tell you something."
"Anything," I grinned at him.
"I think I like dudes," He whispered.
"Oh, wig?" My eyes widened, kneeling down again. "Ben, that's huge."
"I'd prefer we don't make a big deal out of it," He held himself in a tight embrace. "I just.. I'm scared."
"I understand completely, dude."
"There's another thing," He mumbled. I nodded, signalling it was okay for him to tell me. "You're going to be so pissed," He chuckled a little, looking down at me. I nodded a second time. "I, um... I really can't..."
"Mhm?"
"I can't stop thinking about the time you kissed me," He blurted. "I never have. I never forgot the way it felt, or the way you held me. I know you're with Taylor, and I'm not asking you to leave them to be with me, or even consider it because you're so happy together--and I'm sorry for dumping this shit on you, I just need someone to know." He rambled on. "You were so comforting and warm and cuddly, and oh my god what am I saying?"
"Holy shit," I muttered under my breath. I had no clue how to approach this. Truly, no fucking idea. No thoughts, head empty, "I'm sorry. I really am. This is my fault."
"No, not at all. You kissed me when we were young, still figuring our shit out. I caught feelings." He said blankly. "It's on me. I pushed you away. I told you I was straight, that it meant nothing. Never brought it up again. I didn't tell you how perfect you were. Taylor did. Taylor is everything I'm not. And I'm not even saying that in a spiteful way! They're perfect! Not a single damn flaw!"
"You're right," I agreed. "Not about them being everything you're not. They are great. I'm sure we would've ended up together, at least for a little while, if you said something."
He nodded slowly, wiping tears from his eyes. "I know," He breathed shakily. "Let's go."
"Should I save you a dance?" I asked, extending my hand and smiling when he took it in his own. I helped him up, hugging him tightly as I did.
"Please."
"Okay," I continued to grin.
We walked out, stepping onto the dance floor.
Well, I woke up to the sound of silence
Taylor and Kaitlyn gave me confused looks as I lead Ben. I mouthed something back, not even knowing what I mouthed.
The cars were cutting like knives in a fistfight
I focused on making Ben happy. Just this once. I took both Ben's hands in mine, swaying to the song. I listened as the song continued, beginning to dance with him for real when the chorus began.
If you're lost and alone, or are sinking like a stone, carry on
I held him tightly in my arms, heart breaking as I heard him sniffle and cry into my shoulder. He clung onto me as we danced.
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on
I ran my fingers through his hair, flashing a fake smile to Kaitlyn and Taylor as my heart continued to shatter. I held him against my chest.
Carry on, carry on.
-
wow thats just the saddest fucking thing ive ever written
