Coda & Jacket

Chapter 2 - Take You Higher

"MATT! PLEASE OPEN THE DOOR. PLEASE COME OUT!"

I heard yelling in my front yard. I was in my bed, tired because I had had a long day practicing with the band for our first tour with our album. I threw on a white t-shirt so my chest wasn't bare and then I went to the front door. The yelling turned into a broken cry and then I could hear who it was. I opened the door for Josh. He stood with tears falling down his cheeks and I could tell by his outfit that he had been at Amanda's. The wind was brutal and he never wore enough clothes... I didn't want him to be cold and get sick before the tour. I went for a hug because I knew that was what he needed. It was hard seeing your best friend crying like that so I took him in and we sat down in the living room, next to each other on the couch.

"Josh?" I said softly and padded his back.

"Fuck..." Josh cried out.

"Hey... It's okay, you know you can always talk to me," I told him.

"She..." Josh sighed. "Doesn't want me," He let out another cry.

"Aw, I'm so sorry to hear that..." I said and meant it. 

I hated seeing my best friend like that. There was nothing worse than when Josh was crying. My heart would burn whenever he was down. I just wanted him to be happy. I knew Amanda was a bad girl. I could just see it and now I feel so bad for Josh. 

"How are you feeling, Josh?" I asked and followed up with; "Is there anything I can do?" 

"Can I stay here with you? I don't wanna be alone right now," Josh said.

"Of course you can! You can stay as long as you need to, you're always safe with me," I said.

"Thanks, Matt..." Josh said and let his head rest on my shoulder.

After about a week, Josh was still staying at my house and I didn't mind one second. I felt good about having him around me again and he was thinking less and less about Amanda, as far as I could tell from just looking and talking to him. Josh was sitting in the living room, watching a show, so I went to join him. 

"Hi, Matt! The most exciting part was just about to happen. Come here," Josh padded the spot next himself. 

I sat down next to him. He seemed really enthusiastic and it was great to see him like that. It was always great to see him. He's such a brittle and beautiful guy. I think about that kiss way more than I should but it was him who kissed me, it must mean there's some feeling he isn't showing me. It's been years since it happened but my feelings for him have only grown stronger.  He's my best friend and we get each other, we're there for each other.
While I was tangled in my thoughts, Josh took his arm around me and pulled me to his chest. Being in his fine strong arms is something I've thought of many times so actually laying in them felt good. I don't know why he did it but I didn't care. His touch was warm and safe. He gave me comfort when I was the one who was supposed to care for him. 

"And that was the end! Wasn't it good, Matt?" He asked me and looked down.

"Yeah, it was great..." I was kinda at loss for words. 

"Are you okay with me holding you like this?" Josh asked.

"Oh, I don't mind. It feels nice being held," I answered.

"Okay, good. Just wanted to be sure. I don't want to do it if you don't want to," Josh said.

"Josh... It's good to have you here," I said.

"I'm glad you want me here, Matt..." He said.

Was this a moment? Could this be the day I've been planning in my head? Was if he doesn't want to kiss me anymore? Would he run away from me? Did I dare take the chance? I had to, right? I sat up and turned around so I was facing him. 

"Josh, don't you be spooked. Don't you try to resist..." I said, looked him in the eyes one last time before closing my eyes and leaning in to kiss him.

I had completely forgotten how soft his lips felt on mine. I got nervous and so I grabbed his hands to feel safer. Why would I grab his hands of all things? I stopped, he wasn't kissing me back. I felt awful. 

"Matt..." Josh caressed his thumb over my hand. "Don't be nervous, I can see you're more than ready for this," Josh said.

"Whaa-" Was all I got out before Josh was on me.

He was incredible. I never thought we would be making out on my own couch. His touch was warm but cold and the way he kissed me was rough but gentle. I loved it and I didn't want him to stop but he did before any of us began taking clothes off. I was happy but a little sad because I wanted him. Then again, I didn't want to lose our friendship either. 

"Wow... That was good," I let out.

"If this is desire, I'll give you what you need..." Josh told me. 

"I'll be your ecstasy," I whispered and grabbed his neck before kissing him again.

"I've been waiting for this for so," Josh kissed me. "So long..." He put his forehead to mine.

"Me too..." I said.

Finally being able to just give him a kiss when I wanted, or cuddle on the couch in the evening, was what I had thought so many times about doing. It was incredible to have Josh by my side, knowing he wouldn't leave. Over the course of a few months, Josh and I hooked up a few times but the time between every time got longer and longer. Josh was beginning to chat a little with Amanda again and the girls at the shows were screaming at him, just like I was screaming his name at night. He was a charming guy and I got why they all loved him but I loved him more. I was mad at him for not showing me that affection. I needed it more than any of them. I was so alone without him and the band. One night after a show, I couldn't hold it in me anymore, I got angry at Josh.

"Do you even like me, Josh?" I said.

"Matty..." He just said.

"Don't, Matty, me now. I mean it, do you love me, Josh?" I asked.

"Matt, you're my best friend. Of course, I like you," He said.

"I think if you wanna go, you should start running away..." I said.

It hurt to say but he wasn't happy and I could tell. He didn't love me and he didn't want to hurt my feelings. He knew the feelings I had for him. He could tell every time we kissed, touched or just was the two of us alone together. 

"Matty, I... I'm sorry," He said.

"I'm not gonna chase you like they chase you because I don't wanna play," I told him.

"Sorry... I'm sorry that you got these feelings for me," He said.

"I know you've been talking with Amanda again... It's okay, I want what's best for you," I said.

"Matty... I love you," I was at the brink of tears when he said that.

"Don't you be fake when you need to be real," I said.

"Matt, I'm not being fake. It's just not the same kinda love." He said with a sigh. "Come here," 

He opened his arms for me. That warm and sweet embrace was really what I could use but I couldn't hug him. I needed to let go of him. He needed to go find who was the one for him. 

"Sorry, Josh, but you need to leave..." I said with the last strength that I had. 

Josh looked at me, his bright smile was faded and his beautiful blue eyes weren't the usual crystal clear. He was also hurt, I could see this hurt him too so I wasn't alone about that but this was how it was supposed to be. Josh grabbed his coat and left the venue. When I got home, I could see he had been there and he had taken all his stuff. The house suddenly felt so huge and empty. I couldn't hear his laugh from the living room or his voice when he sang in the shower every night. It was the right thing to do though, sending him off. He didn't deserve to stay just to keep me happy. He needed to find his happiness. He goes the way that he wants to. I know they will forsake him. He's so perfect, they could break him.