Dear soulmate

CHAPTER 8:MARLIN'S DIARY

DEAR DIARY,

These past months were too much for me to take in. Each moment was really chaotic and I wanted to hug the death so tight but I was just afraid that I couldn't even take any step further after coming to the edge. I guess I was pretty scared to be like mom, to let the life win and to lose myself. I know I am not that weak to give myself in and I will fight this with Nicole by my side. I know I can do it.

You must me confused like, wait Nicole? But things happened here when I stopped writing this diary. The thing is that I wasn't ghosted. It was just the past hunting the present. My heart ached so bad that everyday felt like a death to me. Love was like a slow poison for me but now I know the truth. I thought he was the hypocritical type who escaped from these eyes which could distinguish people but these eyes were never wrong. He's the same sweet and honest guy that I know.

So the thing is, last time I ran into him after months of being ghosted by him, or so I thought. I was so devastated that the only person that I thought was by my side now after you know...mom is already with someone that broke my heart. Not a little but enough to let me jump out of that edge.

But it turned out he was just doing this for his mom and the stupid promise he had with mom. Breaking promise is not a good thing but if it is better for those who are breathing, for those who had nothing to do with it then the promise is meant to be broken sooner or later.

I know what his dad did was terrible. It was a huge disaster he caused in two families. My aunt she was the main victim , but god knows if I am evil or so be it, I don't feel any hate or anything. I feel sad for her but not the "sad" that can change my feelings into hatred.

Currently I am trying to enjoy each and every moment of my life with Nicole. I don't know why but I felt a strong connection with Jane too, the connection as same as me and my mother had. But it didn't last at all. The people who are close to me are always taken away by god. I want to stay with Nicole and I don't want him to go to god before me because it's already enough for me. If god knows something happens to him I will die I will really die.

For now my feelings are needed to be hidden from Nicole, the feelings that makes me upset. I have to be there for him. He laughs but he feels upset deep down in his heart. When he's alone he cries. That makes me upset too. But I have to be strong and give him some space right now but be there for him at the same time. So I let him cry alone. Jane died a month ago because of Alzheimer's diseases. It was hard to take in but the one who comes has to go.

Yesterday I hugged Nicole and kissed him in his forehead and told him that it's alright and I will be next to him. I did it because I couldn't hold myself. Now we will visit therapist and I hope he will get better soon and can return to his work. Life has to go on and he has to know this.

I promise to always be by his side and I won't misunderstand a thing even if he wants me to. I am in a true heaven right now because I am by his side. Since this heaven is in this earth I have to face many problems but I will get through it with Nicole's hand on my hand.

I am so stupid. I thought I will never find love because that electricity didn't go through me, the electricity of love. I thought I was bound to be alone and walk this path of changing seasons alone. But I was wrong, I am walking in this changing season with Nicole and maybe in the future there can be little Nicole too. I tried to forget what love was after he left, I tried to hate him. And for sometimes I felt like I was over him too but whenever I looked at my balcony it reminded of him, whenever I was in sofa it reminded me about him and my heart raced like crazy even with only his memory. My stupid heart brought us together again and the electricity got stronger again.

I wonder if we didn't have that brake in the beginning and had a love life like normal people would we survive in those circumstances? If I had never met him again would this electricity in my body disappear? I still look for the answers in my head. 

I am really glad that I have my soulmate as well as my soul-sister with me. Mia was always there when I needed someone by my side. And I promise to god that if one day anything happens to her I will do anything. Even if it means that I have to give up the things I love. And I promise this in the name of the lord. 

I am so happy that I am afraid something bad will happen someday. I am scared to be happy right now. Because deep down I feel like I will end up hurting someone or myself. ever since I came into Nicole's life he had breakdowns, I had breakdowns, we both lost our loved ones. I am afraid that the only people who are left in my life will end up going somewhere far away too. 

note: I was gone for too long again because I am just a lazy person. but now I will try to end this story within this month because only a few chapters are left. 

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