~Before I start, I ask of you, please do not judge me. This is my story. I am so misunderstood.~
When I was still filled with happy thoughts, which was about when I was 8 years old, I started pursuing a new sport, quitting soccer. I couldn't do much, just kicks and cart wheels. I progressed fast, realizing this sport was my "calling," so to say. I started doing AYAC, a youth group for kids ages 5 to 14. Then I heard of all-star cheerleading. I watched many Youtube videos, thinking "Wow! This seems so fun." But, coming from a poor family, I had no money to start the expensive sport.
I ended up using my Child Support money to help pay for my tuition and team fees. My mom paid for other things like my unifrom, hotel rooms for two day competitions and things like that.
I can't explain that feeling I get when I run across that blue mat, take a big "hurdle" as we call it and throw what tumbling pass I was told or felt like doing. I don't know if its joy. I don't know if it's excitement. I don't even know if it's fear of failing or falling. But fear is temporary. Triumph is permanent.
For two years I was on a level team called Junior level 2. This year I advanced to Junior level 3. Now, junior level 3 has things like tucks and how bunch of cooler shit than junior level 2. I have a confidence problem though. I am afraid of falling straight on my face and not being as good as I know I am. Yesterday, (November 20th, 2014) I had practice and then a one on one private with my favorite coach, Zeb. It was fun and I was throwing my tumbling and I actually believed in myself. The catch was though is that he stood right by me when I was tumbling. That gave me just a little boost of confidence knowing he was going to be there.
The last time I had to throw it by myself. He was all the way on the tumble track that we have in our cheerleading gym. I said to myself "I know I can do this" but I lost all my confidence. Going from 100% confident to 0%. I did not believe in myself. quite frankly, I never do honstly.
My mom and Zeb talked for a while while my friend Jenea and I sat and talked. When we sat in the car, driving to Jenea's house to drop her off, my mom was kinda yelling at me for not throwing it. When Jenea left, that's when she went off. "I'm not going to keep spending my money on you for you to do something you enjoy if your not going to do what you need to do," she said to me, screaming in my face.
Nothing I ever do is good enough for that women. She yells at me, "For the past three years I have been using your child support thats suppose to go to me because I am the one taking care of you. You know what, don't even bother asking Selena to get that packet from Spirit Athletics for me." I bit my lip the whole time, trying to hold myself from saying what I really want to say...
cheerleading is my life... I can't give that up.
