That very moment I opened my eyes.
Welcomed by your presence I've been praying ever since the day I learned how to.
The rough hands that envelope my face
So gentle yet reassured protection and grace.
You held my hand as I walk through life
Lifting me up, blowing away the wound so excruciating yet people fondly call it experience and so I did.
It is so good that it reminded me of all the bad.
It was all good....until it lasted.
Until the very truth slapped me in the face. Forcing its way to the very core of my awareness. Until the sun hit me - awoken the slumber of truth deep seated within my conciousness.
The pain hurt so good it made me bleed.
The curse of realization belatedly came and whispered in my ear - you were never there to begin with.
You were just a product of my longing.
A handiwork of my imagination.
With heavy heart I drag my mind out of that reverie.
How can I be so silly, foolishly believing I have you when it was my existence that scared you to run away. It was beyond my understanding, beyond shrewdness. You are somewhat incomprehensible. Reminding me that people often fear what they don't understand.
When you left mother because of me, you left the privilege of knowing me.
You lost the title of becoming my father, my sire.
And I thank you for that. You were one of the many good things that never happened in my life.
You were my "the one that got away" and me, I was "the one that was left behind". But instead of 'I love you' I'd rather say "I forgive you" and though apology was never heard, I'll call it a day and end it there where the sun sets, where everything amazed me.
The smile that crept on my lips as I spat on you would be the epitome of my victory. The nothingness in your eyes that mirrored mine would be my trophy. Your lifeless body and non-existent soul will forever be buried in the abyss of hell. You'd say life is unfair, but it is with everyone and that's what makes it fair, after all - indeed.
Oh, by the way father, here is the rope mother used when she took her life, the very same rope that killed you just in time. Let's have reunion in hell as we both become demons of pandemonium. You see, mother won't be in heaven coz suicide is an unforgivable sin. Life is indeed unfair, someone who's living beautifully won't be accepted in paradise while people who drove her to kill herself will be pardoned when they repent.
Sickening!
And I won't give you that opportunity ever.
I stepped back and breathe. Returning in a calm and hollow state. Justice is so vague.... Before my anger-fuelled bravado ceased I pulled the trigger of the gun pointed on my head.
It pained me to realize, my parents stole both my happiness and future. But it was me who never had the courage to fight and as I shut my eyes down, I saw the clear reflection of my actions - it was death talking. Enough only for me to hear - "It wasn't a good life, but it was life and that was good. Now, sleep forever in peace, my child, justice will be your companion."
Before completely shutting out of the world, I came to a conclusion. Justice is death, it's the power that wakes us up from all of the façade the world offers. It's just a matter of time and bravery, justifying the end of my actions.
And while most people feel regret and sadness, it was different for me. Endings have never felt more exciting and I completely surrender - no regrets, remorse no whatever.
Now would be the best time for the sweet embrace of death to envelope me.
-end.
