Formed by Fire

There Is No Us

„It's YOU?", I whisper-shout bewildered. Dre's eyes roam my face, searching for something. He is obviously taken aback by my reaction. His eyebrows are furrowed, disbelief clear on display. "Are you ...disappointed, that it's ONLY me?" His voice is laced with hurt. I look away, trying to hide my inner turmoil. The truth is: Yes, I am in a strange way disappointed or rather desillusioned. "Dragon guy" was my mysterious companion in the last weeks.

Every time I saw him at "Kick Point", I was captivated, especially since my fight with Dre. Watching him do his endurance practices, his spar fights ...I was absorbed by his physical presence. My mind played wicked little games with me. I thought about him, projected my emotions on him. And now, reality crashed in. All these weeks, it was Dre, the guy who rejected me, humiliated me and hurt me. There was never a mysterious "dragon guy". Dre huffs. "Wait a minute", he demands, "let me get this straight." His narrowed eyes pierce into my soul. "You thought, I am a hot stranger you can hook up with, or what?", he accuses me, towering over my body intimidating. I take a step back, he follows.

I am shocked, at the same time I am so angry, that I want to throw a punch right in his face. Dear God, this guy brings the worst of me in plain view. What did he say? Hook up? Now it's me who searches his face for any traces of what's going on in his head. My eyes widen. Of course ... it's so simple: He is jealous. Jealous about an unknown guy, who doesn't even exist. Although, I am angry as hell, I laugh out loud, laugh, till my stomach hurts. His accusation is ridiculous. It's comedy at its best without even trying! Dre only watches me with a stern expression and a stiff body.

After I calmed down, I look him straight in the eyes. "Are you crazy? I didn't even have my first kiss? Hook up!?", I spit out angrily. "Did I give you the impression, that I am girl, who hooks up?" "Shit", he curses under his breath, remorse on his handsome face. "Kimmy," he reaches his hand out for me but I ignore him. "Even if I WANTED to hook up", I make quotation marks with my fingers at the word "hook", "it shouldn't concern YOU. We are not together, you are in no way my judge." Dre lowers his head. Clearly, he feels defeated and helpless. And I...am sad and feel empty right now.

"Look", I say, taking in his silent, waiting state. I take a deep breath. "You made it clear, I mean, really clear, that you don't want any connection, any relationship with me. There is no us." Dre's hands run through his face, his facial features full of despair. I clearly see, that he is desperate, but I don't understand why. It was his decision to break off any possible relation, we could have had. Why does he seem so lost and distraught right now? I harden my heart against him. "Let's stick by it", I go on with my speech. "You were right, I am too young for a romantic relationship especially with a guy who is older than me." Dre turns away from me, hands on his hips. He raises his head to the ceiling. As he slowly turns around the anguish on his face, that he shows openly, without any attempt to cover it up, breaks my heart.

This is too much for me. I shake my head. "Dre ... I don't understand what's bothering you. Honestly, you were right. You are a grown-up guy who is gorgeous. You can have any girl you want, you have your own home, live your live. You don't need me. I AM innocent - you were right - never felt hardship. Yes, I am sheltered and loved. But what is wrong about it? I feel good about my life. I do what I love and perhaps..." I hesitate. "Please Kimmy, I want to hear your thoughts", Dre pleads with a waver in his voice. "Perhaps, if we would have been willing to be patient with each other ..." I interrupt myself. Why prolonging the inevitable. No more "ifs". I'll put an end to it. 

"We can be friends, Dre. Bandmates and friends. It's for the best. I won't avoid you and you won't be cold and distant. We practise together, perhaps now and then we'll go to the cinema together, with time you'll have a pretty and nice girlfriend..." "NO", he cries out. I am startled.

Wow, what now? No mysterious "dragon guy" anymore. Would you like a new boy to emerge? A rival?

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