blood & gunk

on/off switch

[frantic guitar interlude]

-how are you?

-I'm.. [music dying, silence falling]

-are you alright?

-[heartbreaking sigh] Fine. Look I'm trying to sound grateful and normal. I don't want to get to saying all the things you don't wanna hear.

-what don't I wanna hear? if there was anything I wouldn't listen to, I wouldn't be here.

-I don't want to talk about it.

-why? what's wrong?

-I don't know, Andrea. Times have changed, alright?

-what times? what's going on, Hugh? you're not yourself!

-because I'm not myself! I can't put it to words. I can break things, I can make music, I can fight time, but I can't find the words. They haven't invented the words, Andrea. My head hurts, and my thoughts, my ideas, the things I'm seeing, they can't count cos everything is spinning and unable to form. I hardly recognise where I am.

-are you drunk?

-not one pathetic bit.

-what's made you fade all out then?

-feelings. lots to think. it's heavy knowing you're a burden to everybody you know because they're all you've got. Once you acquire that knowledge, you can't give it back. you can't take it off like a jacket or burn it - it just sticks. Heavy on the chest, like shit. [exasperated huff] madness!

-what happened?

-nothing much, same old bollocks.

-if that's it - that's alright.

-I know.

-if nothing's gone wrong, we can sort it out. [sympathetic look] we always do.

-I know. [looking away] I know.

-it'll be alright.

-[interrupting] I'm just tired, Andrea. It's draining. It's fucking draining. It's like trying to suction out your soul and you're fighting it - and it's too much. It's too much doing it all alone. I'm exhausted. You know people don't get it. It's fun to have a christmas tree every day of the year, but nobody wants to take it down or watch the lights go out. Nobody wants to know the christmas tree has a time when it can't be up anymore.

-Hugh you're not a christmas tree.

-I'm a fun fair roller-coaster. I'm cocaine lines. I'm Red Bull. I'm lots of drink altogether. I'm the big show and the party and the after party combined. But then I'm also a horror movie and a twelve minute sob song and a day full of funerals. I'm a bunch of car accidents. I'm all your worst nightmares. I'm all the divorces across town. I'm every war that's been had. I'm every failed exam you've ever taken. I'm - [breaking down in vigorous tears]

-do you want me to say it's your problem that you've got the whole world coursing your blood? that it's something you should control? that you shouldn't force yourself onto the people you like just because they've liked you back? what do you want me to say? you've got a condition so you've gotta step away a little?

-[looking up, misery musking bloodshot eyes] I'm losing my mind.

-you're fine. you just have your moments. [comfortingly kissing Hugh's shoulder] you're the most beautiful christmas tree I've ever seen.

-[abruptly cupping Andrea's face, inching inappropriately closer] why couldn't you be more than a dream?