Chambers of the Heart // Jake Kiszka

VI

Warnings: "slight" infidelity

—

I put on Passion of the Christ while Jake and I waited for Josh, since it seemed like appropriate inspiration for our roles in the film. I glanced over at Jake, comparing his whole look to the look of Jesus in the film. He looked infinitely better and I couldn't shake away the feeling of his hands on me, how gentle he was with his deliberate touch and care. It was as if his fingers had left a permanent imprint on my skin, and I really just wanted to lay my head against his chest and close my eyes.

Instead, I asked, "How are things with Lily?" I didn't really want to know but I felt like I had to know. Maybe it was selfish.

Jake turned, resting his head in his hand, propped up against the back of the sofa. "Alright."

I nodded, turning my attention back to the TV. That was a fair answer, but it shut down the subject quickly. I was sure grilling him about his possible girlfriend wouldn't help him feel anymore comfortable in my home.

"She's fun," I remarked.

"Yeah." He paused. "She got really drunk last night."

Don't ask, don't ask. "You take her home?"

Jake paused for a moment and I could see him tense up. "Whose home?"

Don't ask–stop yourself right now. "Hers?"

He looked back to the TV. "I was worried. She crashed at my place."

"Ah," I said, also turning my attention back to the TV, grabbing the pillow from behind my back and hugging it to my abdomen.

"Why?"

I glanced over at him. "Just curious."

"Josh slept here?"

"Of course."

Jake nodded, biting his lip, going back to resting his head in his hand.

I felt a wave of physical pain, like hot, wet syrup flooding my veins, and not from my actual injuries. Even looking at Jake was growing to be more and more painful, let alone hearing him talk, which was seldom. God, it was like trying to shuck an oyster except even more difficult, like no matter what blade I used, he remained clamped so tight it was as though he could survive without oxygen. It was impossible to get through to him despite all my efforts.

"You're very hard to read," I noted.

He smiled a little, the smile fading as quickly as it came. "I know."

"I've known you for so long, but I don't even really know you at all."

Jake pursed his lips a little and raised one eyebrow. "You've always been so close with Josh. I just never felt like I fit in between the two of you."

"You're telling me," I replied with a chuckle. "You two are twins."

"Yeah, but you guys are–" Jake began, tipping his head back. "You know, you're just like, nearly inseparable. Even with Josh and I being twins."

"Inseparable might be an overstatement."

He paused, looking back to me, face soft. "You really love him. I know you do."

I sat back, propping myself up straight on the arm of the couch. "Of course I do."

"How could I fit into that?" Jake mused with a sigh. "I've always felt like–like I was on the outskirts of you two."

I felt another wave of pain–this time for Jake, not myself. "I don't want you to feel like that," I said quietly. "Damn, Jake. I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault. It's not Josh's fault either," he said. "Josh has a big personality. He charms everyone. Everyone loves him. He's good at everything he does." He sighed and rubbed his jaw, glancing at the TV. "I've always felt like I was in his shadow, honestly."