Institutionalized

Howie, Day 26

Bloodlust was starting to get to me. I had killed the man when I woke up, and that had an effect on my needs. Blood bags hardly had an effect. I guessed it wasn't bloodlust— more like the lust to kill. I found my thoughts drifting to murder real often. I watched Julia and Ali play chess, and I thought of each pawn taken as a victim. I watched actors and actresses play on tv and imagined what they could have tasted like. Rafael explained how body composition affected the flavor. I imagined what each of the other patients might taste like if they were human.

During meals I suffered. Mac was on point in describing what it felt like to be around food when you were a vampire. During outside time I suffered. The air was too hot and sticky and the music was too loud. During group I refused to speak. Quincy seemed disappointed, but I didn't care. When Mac came out of his room that morning I ignored him until he tried to apologize after lunch.

"Your apology isn't accepted. I know you're only apologizing because you want me to keep being your friend and keep taking care of you. It's about you, you don't mean what you say. I supported you in all of your decisions except when they hurt me or you. You had to go and hurt me, you had to go and blatantly go against my wishes. You betrayed me. I'm done putting up with your selfish ass. I'm done putting up with everyone's shit. You got what you wanted. Now I get what I want which is revenge. I know you want me in your life-- you made that clear. So now you don't get that. Maybe you'll actually regret what you did then."

I didn't look at him, but I could smell his salty tears. I didn't care. He should be upset. That was the point. He stayed silent for a bit. I almost thought he wasn't going to reply, just submit to everything I said. That thought only made me angrier. He was supposed to feel betrayed and not understand. Then he spoke.
"I do mean it howie. I already did regret it. What I did was wrong. I let the evil in me get the best of me. It was selfish. I've turned into a monster. I can't control my actions anymore, but that doesn't make me innocent. It's probably best that I stay away from you at this point, at least until I get myself together, if that ever happens. I genuinely hope that me going away for a little while satisfies you. You deserve it."

He did exactly what I didn't want him to do. He was trying to make me feel sorry for him.

"Don't try and make me feel bad; it won't happen."

Deep down, though, underneath my cynical views and underneath all the hurt, I did feel sorry for him, and I hated it. I would never admit to it.

"You imply that this isn't permanent. That I'm going to forgive you eventually. Have you ever known me to forgive people?"

He I heard him gulp.

" You've forgiven me before..."

Yes. that was the reaction I was looking for.

"Those days are over. Don't expect me to come crawling back this time. You crossed the line."

I didn't necessarily believe I wouldn't forgive him eventually. I had nothing without him. I was nothing without him. I just wanted him to think I was done with him permanently.

His voice cracked,

"I don't believe that... I refuse to."

I looked him in the eyes.

"Well you'd better."

Night rolled around finally, and Rafael invited himself in after the others were all fed.

"Ready?" he whispered.

I nodded and got up. He took me to the city, the exhaust making my eyes water. we waited in his parked mercedes outside a bar for someone I "fancied" to come out. At first I chose a random person; I wanted all of them the same amount. But Rafael told me to wait until I found 'the one'. Eventually a man walking with a lady to a single car caught my eye. Rafael sighed,

"That makes it a little harder, but do not worry. You will have him."

He started the car and followed the two to another bar. We got out and headed inside.

"How are we going to get in?" I asked. I didn't have a fake ID.

"You will see."

We entered and the bar and he ordered himself a glass of wine and me a glass of water. The woman looked at the two of us. Rafael and I both looked a bit young to be in a bar. She asked for ID from Rafael first since he ordered alcohol, and he provided one. She nodded and then eyed me.
"You too."

"He doesn't need to show ID. He's having water."

While I knew that wasn't true, she just nodded,

"Okay."

He compelled her... I wondered how he did it. He took a sip of his drink, Which I couldn't believe. I couldn't stand the thought of swallowing anything but blood.
"It's an acquired taste." he explained softly.

He started flirting with the woman of the couple despite the man sitting right next to her. I found myself eyeing the young man. He sported a blonde fauxhawk and a black metallica shirt. He was on the muscular side. His neck had a steel chain around it. He was getting pretty pissed off, and his blood started pumping faster,

"You're not in her league, she doesn't seem to like you anyway. She said you guys only just met." chided Rafael.

"You want to take this outside, buddy?"

"I promise you'll regret it." said Rafael with a charismatic smirk.

"Oh yeah? We'll see about that, string bean."

They glared at each other and the girl followed.

So did I.

"Wait! Guys, please don't," the girl called, trying to catch up.

When I got outside, time slowed. Rafael glanced at me at normal speed and simply walked away from a hearty punch, causing the young man to fall forward in slow motion. Rafael stepped back and looked around for any bystanders. I took my chance.

I gasped and panted once I'd pulled away. I was on the ground, holding my victims neck to my face. I dropped him and rolled over on my back, delirious. My body pulsed, my head felt hot.

"No."

Rafael pulled me up,

"Follow me."

He started dragging the man to an area behind the building. I staggered behind him and slid down against a wall when he finally stopped walking.

"Why..." I murmured.

"Being in an open area is dangerous when feeding. I was able to keep all the humans oblivious, but if there is a hostile supernatural around, you are completely vulnerable to their attack. In a normal situation when I am not here, you would need to compel him to follow you to a more private place."

My heavy eyelids closed for a moment.

...I'm... am I alive...?"

He bent over the body, studying it like an interesting artifact.

"As close as you will ever get. On a side note, well done on your bite placement. It is nearly perfect."

I was beginning to catch my breath.

"How come... you never use contractions?"

He stood up and glanced around again.

"It makes sentences sound cleaner. Why?"

"I thought maybe... English is a second language for you."

He pondered the comment.

"The fourth of many."

"Where are you from?"

"A lesson: Do not share personal information with anyone if you have enemies."

Enemies? What enemies did he have? I guessed he probably wouldn't share that either.

"You don't trust anyone at all?"

He looked at me patiently.

"That is personal."

So basically I wouldn't get answers to anything about him.

"Has it ever occurred to you that that makes people even more curious?"

"If no one knows anything, then no one can find out."