Institutionalized

Mac, Day 12

My whole body ached. My lungs felt heavy, my stomach churned, my head was spinning. My scalp hurt from pulling my hair.

It was all real.

I was never ill, I was never crazy. Everyone else was wrong about me. I was alone in this world of oblivious victims and treacherous monsters. Except for Howie, I supposed. I'd spent the past 20 hours letting this sink in. I was so tired; it was as if I'd had a 20 hour panic attack. but I couldn't sleep. They would kill me. They knew. I knew. They knew I knew. There was no use for me anymore. Howie as well. Howie was out there amongst dangerous creatures. He was going to die also. I didn't know how to protect him. Hell, I didn't know how to protect myself. The door to my room seemed pretty solid. I guessed that was on purpose, that it was made to hold Them back. I felt deprived, though. I couldn't stay there forever.

As far as I knew, Howie was still alive. There hadn't been any other screaming or roars. The full moon was over. I needed xanax badly. I wanted to check on Howie and see how he was taking it all. Perhaps I could leave my room. Perhaps I should leave my room. Was it safe? Probably not. But Rafael seemed like he was able to protect us if we did our part and took precautions. I hoped Rafael was keeping an eye on Howie.

Not that I trusted Rafael, but he had protected us once already, there must have been a reason. He claimed that they needed him for the training or whatever it was, but I wasn't convinced.

I was now standing at the door, looking at the handle. I peeked through the small window in the center of the door, seeing nothing unusual. I slowly opened the door. I'd survived this long I told myself. Surely I could do it long enough to get a little xanax and make sure Howie was okay. I stepped down the hall and up to the door to Rafael's office. I turned to face the common area. Everything was normal. They were eating breakfast. The idea of food made my mouth water. I guessed the antipsychotic was wearing off finally. I knocked quietly on Rafael's door— I was sure the vampire would hear it anyway.

The door opened and Rafael appeared before me. Never before had I felt so intimidated by the man. He was smiling,

"Feeling a bit better I see. What can I do for you?"

"I need meds. Not the antipsychotic though."

Rafael raised an eyebrow,

"Are you certain you do not want all your medication? I think it would do you good to keep taking it. I would not say you have entirely normal thought patterns even if I leave out your ability."

"No zyprexa." I repeated firmly. I was tired of its stupid side effects, and if I didn't absolutely need it, I wouldn't take it.

"I will allow it. Just remember to pay attention to how you act and feel, and let me know if you change your mind."

I said nothing, only turning around to glance at the others. I'd caught a few pairs of eyes. When they saw me looking they all looked away. I did notice that Vince and Sam were back. Keith was missing though. Vaguely, I recalled him having a panic attack yesterday when my worst nightmares played out before Howie and I. I assumed it had been too much for him as well.

When I looked back, Rafael was gone. I realized he'd always been that quiet when moving, that quick. I waited by the door until he returned, glancing back every few seconds. When he did, he handed me a little water and a small paper cup with three pills. I took them and drank the water.

"Thank you," I murmured.

He nodded, "Of course." He closed the door to do whatever he was doing back there. Probably devising a plan to make us forget again. He knew that I had remembered everything. I was glad that I was able to resist his compulsion the second time around.