Serendipity

Sonder

I'm in the car with some hot French-speaking stranger, no big deal. Okay, maybe it's a huge deal. The truth is, I never liked being spontaneous. My life had always been out of control, ever since I was a child. My father was an alcoholic and my mother was too afraid to leave him. Maybe it was the fear of his reaction, or maybe it was the fear of being alone. Regardless. I hated her for it. Yet even more than that, I hated myself. I could never confront my father and as much as I wanted to scream at him and tell him that he ruined our family, I couldn't. It was hardly a family anymore and facing him everyday was a testament to how weak I was.

To feel powerless is one of the worst things a person can feel and I felt it constantly. My father had a talent of losing his job and we were forced to move from place to place. I never felt like I belonged anywhere. Life was like riding a horse with no reigns and I was about to fall off at any second. If there was an opportunity to control any aspect of my life, I took it.

Simply being here with Jax bent all my rules. I barely knew him and I sure as hell didn't know where we were going. But what I felt the most was fear. I was afraid of not being in control. Afraid I would hate it and even afraid I would love it.

"We're here," Jax says as he pulls his key out, turning off the engine.

"And where exactly is here?"

He nods towards the car door and raises his eyebrows as if saying get out and you'll see.

"Smart-ass," I retort under my breath as I open the door. We walk up a small hill not far from where we parked. To no surprise, we were at the top of a mountain, but what I saw before us left me completely and utterly breathless. Ahead was a view of the whole city. The lights glittered like stars.

"It feels so small doesn't it," he comments as he stretches out his arm. It was like he was trying to hold the whole city in the palm of his hand, the people, buildings, and all. "But it also has a way of making you feel small in return."

"Like we are insignificant, right?" I respond finishing his thought, "like we are apart of something bigger than ourselves."

"Right," he turns to me in surprise, almost as if he didn't expect me to understand him, "If we didn't exist, this city would keep on moving."

"It's cruel and unforgiving, but I think there is beauty in that."

Suddenly, he stared at me like I was the only person left in the world, like it was the last time he would ever see me. I faced away, looking to the ground.

"You don't like to be looked at," he said phrasing it as a fact rather than a question.

"I'm afraid that you'll be able to see through me," I answer sheepishly, "I'm afraid to be vulnerable."

Vulnerability

Vulnerability was my enemy. The longer people looked in my eyes, the more insecure I felt. It was as if the more they looked at me, the easier it was for them to pick out every flaw.

He proceeded to touch my face with his warm hand, moving my eyes back towards his. His beautiful honey eyes savored me and consumed me whole. Surprisingly, for the first time in my life, I wasn't afraid to look back.

"Let me see through you then, Rey," his sultry voice challenged me and I gladly accepted.

There are few things I've learned about Jax in the short time we've spent together.

One, he was introspective.
Two, he didn't believe in conversations without meaning.
Three, he had a fascination for words.

"Sonder," Jax speaks out of the blue, drawing my attention back to the hypnotizing site before us.

"Sonder?"

"The realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own. Each light and moving part of the city represents a person. A person with hopes and dreams, failures and struggles. It's incredible. When you think about it that way, we aren't all so different."

"You like to find meaning in the world, don't you?" I point out.

"The world isn't black and white, it's deep and complicated," Jax answers dreamily, "There are things I may never understand, but I can try." 

He really was something. If he wanted to break down the walls I've built so high, I'd let him. There was something in the air that night that allowed me feel things I haven't felt before. He was like a drug and I could feel myself becoming addicted.

"The thing is, mon trésor, I don't just want you to be some random passerby," he says with all sincerity, "you are a part of the world I want to figure out."

A new found confidence overtook my body.

"Then figure me out, French boy."