Like Dizzy Gillespie's Cheeks

Nineteen

Passion is often responsible for some tough decisions. And Ben had a tough one to make. The passion of his relationship with Clara had begun to dissolve, but that happens when you don't pay as much attention to a relationship as you did in the zealous beginning. Since their daughter Lisa was born, Ben had become more distant and removed from his new family.

A lot of the time Ben spent with Lisa was occupied with flashbacks of when he was younger. He saw the pain his father caused him, the emotional detachment. The lack of affection. And his father's predominate concern with himself at the expense of his family. Ben got scared—he saw himself in the same role and recognized the concern of becoming his father. He didn't have the strength to face it, so, as one in denial, he stayed away to shelter Lisa from his problems. Ben ended up being unavailable, something he had learned so well from his father—both physically and emotionally.

In a way, Ben was worse than his father. His father was a successful businessman; Ben was an artist trying to hit a window of opportunity. When he began to see his life pass before him, his restless mind often thought, What about the music, everything I've worked so hard for? The Europe tour, lost because of my mother's health, although I met my Clara because of it ... Is the whole thing happening again?

Anxiety began to sink in, and when the music was no longer enough of an escape, drinking became the solution. He would just stay out late and jam. What about getting another group together? He started feeling the pressure to get one together or be a part of another group, to start traveling and making some real money. Miles was out there making it big, and time was passing Ben by.

Every time a buddy came through town, he felt a tinge of envy. His stomach sank and he looked at his life as a waste. He began to write a lot of music, trying to make up for all he was feeling. But because he was boozed up most of the time, he didn't know if the music was any good.

Naturally, Clara left Ben. She had no choice. As a matter of fact, she did it as much for him as she did for Lisa and herself.

And although Ben regretted it every once in awhile, he confirmed what he had already known: there was no other feeling like the music going from his fingers through his soul, providing everything he needed emotionally. He had that feeling from the first time he sat down to learn how to play the piano, that high he experienced—almost a sense of power that only other musicians really understood. The power of both having control and losing control at the same time.