I'm Not Fine At All (A Grivine Fanfiction)

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"it hurts to know you're happy, yeah it hurts that you moved on. it's hard to hear your name when I haven't seen you in so long"

Adam's P.O.V.

After about a month with Behati like we had been before she came along, I'd forgotten about her almost completely.

Behati and I were yet again together, and I acted like nothing had happened. I knew she was still on the fence about things, only because I'd left her before. But I was completely invested in her again.

I acted, around her, as though Christina and I were never a thing. So, when selfies with her and her new-old boyfriend showed up in my Twitter feed, I couldn't show my hurt. She moved on so fast, as if replacing me was so simple that she could've replaced anyone that was in my position.

I knew I should be happy because she was happy, and I was. I was happy for her, not with her. It just hurt to know how happy he made her, while I could be making her happy. It hurt to see that she'd moved on as if what we had never happened. As if all of it was just a big lie.

So, as I stood at a party and someone said, "That girl you coached on The Voice, what was her name, oh yeah, Christina! She had an amazing voice. I really thought she'd win the whole thing." I had to sit there and act like it didn't hurt to hear her name. I had to act like we hadn't had something. I had to act like it wasn't hard to think about her when I hadn't seen her in what felt like ages.

The worst, though, was when people would ask about our relationship. "Did you guys have a thing?" "Is she the reason you called off the wedding?" "Looked like more than just a coach/contestant relationship to me." Especially when Behati was right next to me. She knew. She knew all about Christina. She knew that we did, in fact, have a thing. She knew that she was, in fact, the reason the wedding was called off. She knew that Christina and I did, in fact, have more than a coach/contestant relationship. Behati knew it all, and she thought I was over it all. She turned her head for me to explain it. She left the room and met up with me later, or found any possible way to leave me to explain.

Tonight Behati and I were going to a party. A party that would probably involve quite a bit of questions about Christina. I knew that to truly be over it, over her, I had to face these things head-on. I had to act like it was no big deal until it wasn't a big deal. Fake it till you make it, as some people say.

As we arrived, I kept Behati close, hoping that would keep more people away from the subject of Christina. I acted as you usually would at a party, grabbing a drink in a red cup and walking through other celebrities smoking who-knows-what. I sat on an old, run-down couch with Behati sitting on the arm of it, hanging onto my hand in her lap.

People came and went, talking to me, talking to Behati, some people just laid on the couch making out or smoking directly next to me. I made my way around the big house, bringing Behati everywhere I went.

It wasn't until I was about ready to get another (number who-even-remembers-I've-been-here-for-hours) drink, that someone came up to me and asked about her.

"Yeah, I would've taken her to my label, but we aren't supposed to talk about why that didn't work out." I wasn't lying, The Voice did say that we shouldn't bring it up to the public. They were the reason she wasn't at my label, but I knew if Island Records didn't work out, she'd want to come to mine. And months ago, I would've happily taken her in there.

Behati was starting to pull her hand away from mine, about to leave at the mention of her. I grabbed her hand tighter, trying to keep her by me. Whoever this guy was, he wouldn't shut up about Christina. He kept bringing up stuff about how he thought there was something between us, especially when Behati and I'd called off the wedding. He kept talking about people on the Internet being obsessed with us, and it was uncomfortable for both me and Behati. Somehow, I made an excuse and pulled her away with me.

I knew Behati was mad at me, but it wasn't like I could've helped that guy. I grabbed another drink as she started talking about Christina and how she was tired about hearing about her all the time. After chugging down two more drinks, my head was buzzing, and Behati sounded a little odd to me. My vision was slightly blurry and I couldn't focus on much, and I knew I was drunk.

Behati was whining to me about Christina, and I knew I had to shut her up. Whether that meant let her go off and leave me to anyone who wanted to ask about her or leave the party. So I pushed her up against the wall and kissed her until her head was being pushed into the wall.

It did work to shut her up, and I was surprised she wasn't so disgusted with kissing me when I probably only tasted like alcohol. Then I realized that that's what Christina would have been. Christina would have left, with a note on the counter saying "call me when you're headache's gone" and some Advil. Christina would have kissed my cheek and left disappointed that she couldn't beat me at Super Mario Brothers because I'd been drinking, even if I was just buzzed.

This wasn't Christina, though, it was Behati. Behati didn't care if I was drunk. She didn't worry about the fact that I'd have sex with her and forget about it by the next morning. Behati didn't care that the alcohol was the only reason I really felt like doing anything with her, because Behati wasn't Christina.

This was what I'd always told myself I liked. Girls that would easily give themselves away. Women that I could have sex with any day of the week. But, honestly, this wasn't what I was going for. I wanted a girl who worried about me. Who worried about herself around me, and wouldn't let me do what she didn't want to do. I wanted a woman who would stand her ground, someone who didn't know how she drove me crazy with her moral beliefs.

I'd already started stuff with Behati, though. And that girl I was looking for wasn't coming back. So, we found some empty room upstairs and did something that we always did. I locked the door behind me and she was practically naked by the time I turned around. I pulled a condom out of my pocket and went on as if I really loved her.

But I was drunk, and I couldn't get Christina out of my mind. As I pushed into Behati, I tried to push Christina out of my mind. She wouldn't leave me alone, though. The more I tried to push her away, the harder I pushed into Behati until she was eventually scratching my back and I felt her collapse, as usual.

I couldn't let myself go, though. There wasn't much built up, and with Christina in my mind, it didn't feel right.

Somehow Behati overlooked the fact that she'd lost it and I hadn't, and she got a driver to take us home shortly after. Walking into my house, I was dizzy and couldn't see straight.

Behati pulled my hand to the bedroom, and I expected her to want more, but she must've been able to tell something was off with me because she started undressing me before putting my pajama pants on and changing herself. She got right under the covers and I followed as she brought herself as close as possible to my body. It was as if she could squeeze thoughts of Christina out by getting super close to me.

I felt bad that I'd gotten drunk. I felt bad that I'd had sex with Behati. I felt bad for letting her go. I felt the worst because I knew how disappointed she would be if she were here. I knew how she wouldn't have let almost any of tonight happen. I knew we would've stayed in and watched a movie, and I wouldn't wake up tomorrow with a pounding headache.

Sleep came around easy that night and I didn't have any nightmares. I think it's because I blacked out instead of peacefully falling to sleep.