I'm Not Fine At All (A Grivine Fanfiction)

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"I wish that I could wake up with Amnesia, and forget about the stupid little things. like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you, and the memories I never can escape"

Adam's P.O.V.

I read and reread her reply that night. I was up until the next day worrying about what was to come of our relationship. We both seemed to miss each other, and I for sure wanted to get back together.

It was Bobby that made everything chaotic. He was in this equation, and the numbers didn't add up correctly if he was there.

Christina still liked me enough to talk to me. She still texted me, she still faced me, she was still comfortable around me. She still remembered everything I did in our relationship in the past. The only thing keeping her from coming back to me was Bobby.

I didn't hate Bobby. I never did, and I hope I never would. I was jealous of him, sure. But there couldn't be a single guy on Earth who wasn't a little jealous of him. He pretty much had dibs on Christina. She was always coming back to him. It was almost fact for a while that they would get married.

He had a goddess in his hands. Someone who was talented like crazy, funny, and one of the most attractive women I'd ever seen. Not to mention how amazing she treated everyone. I mean, I was her ex-boyfriend and I still felt liked by her. And the way she was innocent but did things that made you wish she wasn't so innocent.

She made me want to melt, that woman. I'd be so lucky to be in Bobby's position again. I loved her. That was it. I always had, no matter how much I tried to cover her. I had loved her all this time.

I knew I still loved her when I started having sex with Behati to try to cover the emotional attraction I felt to Christina. I knew I still loved her when I didn't want to let go of our memories together even though they were painful to think about. I knew I still loved her when she performed on The Voice finale and she hadn't changed a bit other than her voice growing even more in her year off the show.

There wasn't much of a secret, either. She loved me, whether she knew it or not. She loved Bobby too, and that was the problem. She felt like the decision to leave me was right, like fate brought her there. She felt like there was a reason she was with Bobby again.

She didn't realize that I knew how she felt. She didn't realize that I'd do pretty much anything to win her back again. She didn't realize that Behati never replaced her, and that she never could. She didn't realize that I still loved her just as much as the first day I heard her voice and just as much as the day she left me. She didn't realize any of this because she didn't realize how much potential for these feelings she had. She didn't understand that so many people found her beautiful. She didn't understand that it was almost impossible to get over her because she comes back to you at every turn.

I wanted to be able to teach her all this stuff. I wanted to teach her that she was beautiful and that she was wanted by almost everyone on Earth. I wanted to teach her that you can't just forget about her and move on because she makes such an impact on your life that you'll think about her at least once every three days.

The only thing keeping me from teaching her this stuff was herself. She didn't think we should be together. She didn't understand that she'd be so much happier with me than she was with him.

There really was no way to get her to know that. No way that would seem like I wasn't pressuring her into doing anything or making a decision. There was no way to get her to know that if I didn't show her, and she surely wouldn't allow that to happen.

I figured it was her loss. She left, and she went to someone who wasn't as good for her as the previous person. It was her choice, whether the better option or not. That was that. She had made her decision, and I was allowing her to rethink it, but if she didn't realize what I was trying to show her, it was her loss.

The next day I was extremely tired. So tired that I had to think of random things in order for my mind not to jump to the conclusion that I should sleep. I was practically falling asleep over the phone in the morning, meaning I wasn't asked to come in to the studio because I "needed my rest."

As I tried to keep myself awake, I pushed away any memories of us. I wanted to focus on us now. I wanted to focus on my life right now.

I couldn't stay up for very long, though. By 5:00 I was barely awake sitting on the couch. I'd ignored a bunch of calls, some from people in the band or management, and a lot from Behati.

We hadn't talked in two days and she was probably getting worried about me. At that moment, though, I didn't have enough energy to hold up a conversation.

I made it to my room and almost immediately fell asleep. I knew that as I was falling asleep I was hoping I'd wake up with amnesia. I was hoping that I could wake up forgetting about anything that had to do with her. I was hoping that I'd forget all the stupid little things that in that moment I couldn't seem to get out of my mind.

I could remember perfectly what it was like to sleep next to her. It'd only really happened once, but I remembered it like it'd happened every day since I was born.

I could practically feel her body against mine. I could feel her small hands in my own, her breathing becoming heavier as she fell into a deeper sleep. I could see her with her slight smile as she slept, like every dream was a new and amazing adventure. I could hear her slight mumbling before she fell completely to sleep, and I missed all of it.

I remembered that night when we danced all night in the kitchen. We were too lazy to turn on the lights, but it was pitch black, so we only used the light that the refrigerator gave.

I remembered almost running a red light after a date with her. I could still feel myself growing with fear as I slammed on the brakes. I could still see her look of complete and utter surprise as she gasped and her seatbelt locked.

I wanted to wake up and have none of these stupid memories anymore. I wanted to have escaped it all, to be out of this state. I didn't want to worry about what she thought about me or how she thought we would work out.

I didn't want to think about any of this stuff. I didn't want to have dated her. I, for the first time, wished I wouldn't have gotten involved.

I wanted more than anything to just be able to start brand new and not have her in my mind.

I knew I shouldn't have wanted this stuff. I still loved her. I still wanted to be with her. I still wanted to know what she thought of us being us again.

Yet, nothing stopped me from wishing I could forget it all. Nothing made me really not want my memory wiped.

I just wished Behati and I could have a relationship like I did with her. A relationship that didn't end with one of us leaving the other. If we felt the same way about each other that Christina and I had, our relationship wouldn't have any of these holes in it. I wouldn't have left her in the first place.

The only reason I wished Behati could've been there that night was so that I could have sex with her in hopes that she would cover up the thought of Christina. I just wanted her there to create a barrier between me and the memories. I only wanted her as one more thing to keep me from my regrets.

No matter what, my body thought that I could wake up a new person and have no memory of her at all. But I don't know how crazy you would have to be to think that. I don't know how crazy you would have to be for that to happen, but they must've been pretty close.

These were the things that ran through my mind before I fell into my sleep, which was filled with only her.

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Author's Note:
Happy Thursday! So far this hasn't been my best week, so hopefully this is the turning point and it gets better from here :)

But Christina keeps saying that the video for today is very important, so keep looking out for it! Also, I hope she's having fun in Cancun and I hope you guys are having a marvelous week as well.

Alright, well, one more chapter and this story is complete! Talk to you all next week!

Votes & comments are greatly appreciated.

I love you all A TON

- thatsmyswift xx