Ingredient

Ingredient (Spirit Cooking)

What to do?

Here it is - the very moment.

My whole life is surrounded by a vacuum, which is lit up only by a single dim red light, burning with the light of my even more imperfect hopes - to start all over again.

My weak heart is looking for easy ways - what should I do?

I'm not a man anymore. Not a man, but a two-legged impotence.

I'm a bundle of nerves writhing in pain! So what should I do?!

I have to do something with this! But what can I do out of what I should? What I can?!

The question "what to do?" has already tired me so much that it seems to me even funny!

I always used to answer it very simply and shortly - NOTHING.

ANYTHING is the most appropriate expression to clarify my position.

Only now, yes, damn it, only now I was able to collect my life from fragments, and only now, I begin to truly understand this mysterious word: NOTHING.

The fear that overcame me is only an illusion in my heart; the mystery that leads me to the underground ...

Je n'sais plus comment te dire....

(I do not know how to tell about myself ...)

I don't remember exactly how I come to be here, but I remember that even in my very childhood I was incredibly disappointed by this world. Even then, in my childhood, the universe seemed to me no more complicated than a toy house from "Lego". I had no doubt that the notorious "society", of which I was to become a member over time, would not be much more exciting and brighter than the world of my imagination. So, unnoticed for me myself, one of the determining factors of my life was outlined. I struggled with all these factors with all my strength, I rebelled - but because of that, all my various fantasies from the very beginning of my growing up were getting a taste of despair.

I warn you! I have an inborn passion to contradict; my whole life was, is now and will be only a chain of contradictions of the heart and mind.

....Parole-Parole-Parole...

(Words words words ...)

It was then, in my childhood, that it dawned on me - I had to become a clown.

It was the last attempt to build a bridge between myself and people and my bad family. But feeling a comprehensive fear of it, I hadn't made up my mind for a final split. And so it happened that the jester's ape became the only connecting thread between Me and the World. A grimace of a smile never left my face, while my soul was tormented by despair. Harlequinade was a tremendous effort, I was always at the limit of my strength and could break at any moment.

Yes, since childhood I had absolutely no idea how my relatives live, what they care about, what they think about; and at the same time I could not reconcile with their dull existence. I was so afraid to become the one who resembles them.

Ecoute – moi...

(Listen)

It is surprising that my whole family was even more weird than me.

Sometimes my father shouted at me so that I would not put my elbows on the table during dinner, but he himself would.

Then mother used to scold me for slamming the door and would slam it herself even louder. And so on, I will not list everything. Memories of childhood are very dear to me and I do not want to darken them with sadness. Not taking into consideration the fact that I can't even call my school years normal, due to eternal persecution, I complained to my parents then, and heard one thing from them; -«You will mature! There are still many happy moments ahead of you, fate at any moment can turn everything completely».