In Another Universe

The Life You Gave Me

A month passed and I thought I couldn't be worse than I already am. Look, what I've become. I'm throwing up a lot lately, I feel dizzy a lot. I guess my health is failing me as well. I don't even care now, but then I have to tell myself I should stay strong. If not, I'll miss the chance of getting another chance to undo the snap. Yes, I'm still hoping.

Each day passes and my body slowly changes.

Few more weeks and I knew I'm pregnant. I know the thing that kept me from bearing will eventually wear off but I didn't expect it to anytime soon. I don't know what to feel.

Should I be happy, Steve left me this life. Sad because Steve is not here to raise his child, which I know he would've loved to.

'Promise me you'll live a life.'

I don't want to without you in it. That's what I thought but now I have to, for this life you gave me.

Two months. It's a boy. You're going to have a son, Steve. You will raise your son.

Four months. In the past month I kept thinking what would you want to name your son. I came up with few, in case you don't come back in time.

James. James Rogers.

It could be after Bucky for you or could be after Rhodey for me. It's a win for both of us.

Few more days.

You're a father now Steve. Come back, we need you.

____

A little over four years. It's 2023. You're still not here. Each day I kept holding on to the tiny hope of getting you back, all of you.

I remember how Sam once counseled me about moving forward and to live a life, though I know he himself is struggling to get back to his normal one. He, by the way continues to do his counseling and been a great help to me, visiting me as often as he can, and being a really good uncle to James. His words rings in my ears again, and yours followed.

You've always been telling me this when we were on the run. And now, I'm imagining you here telling me those exact words again.

'We should get a life.'

I couldn't get answer to that until now, Steve.

'You first.'

You first, because you didn't get to have yours for five years now. A tear fell from my eye.

"Mommy."

I thought I could live a life, but the damage is too big. For James, I tried to hide the pain, the devastation. With James, I momentarily forget all of those, and I'm happy for a short moment til I get reminded of how his eyes are a complete copy of yours. Still I smile for him, I tell him stories of how his father is.

I wiped my tear away, smiling for my son in front of me.

"You miss daddy."

"Always, James."

"Can't we get him back yet?"

"Soon, baby. I'll make it happen."

I'm not sure if I'm doing this right, am I giving him false hope? Is it false hope when I myself cant stop from hoping? Tell me Steve.

His short arms are now holding me close to him. I wish you could experience everything I did with James, it's the only thing that kept me sane from everything.

Like a cue a man I once saw from long time ago came to the compound. How? He's supposed to be among those we lost. Did he came back all of a sudden. If so, from where. Is he alone? Is everyone there from where he came back from? So many questions, I feel like I'm about to have a panic attack. I don't know, I'm excited yet I'm scared. I felt hopeful yet fearful.