Chapter 1

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"Simply because you can breathe doesn't mean you are alive or living

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"Simply because you can breathe doesn't mean you are alive or living."

—Unknown—

The corner of the fitted sheet popped free for the third time, and Xander Penn sighed. He was not in the mood for this shit. It was his turn to help with the Sunday afternoon cleanup of the open-door policy club—ODP—he belonged to, but for once, he wanted to be anywhere but there.

They had a rotating schedule of who was in charge, though no one seemed to know who owned the property. For years, it had been used as a casual sex club for a select few from the college he attended. It was the best-kept secret on campus, and most didn't know it existed. Members introduced likeminded individuals, keeping the numbers small, though they didn't all necessarily run in the same circles outside the house.

Truthfully, though, Xander was fed up with this place, his life, and himself. He felt untethered, as if he didn't belong in his own skin, and... the reason why had just stepped into the room.

"Need help?" Liam Nicholson shot him a grin, his shaggy sun-streaked blond hair falling into bright blue eyes. He leaned against the empty doorframe, casual as ever. The doors, of course, had been purposefully removed years earlier to match the policy.

Xander scowled, not even trying to hide it. Liam was a friend, probably his best, had been since they'd started college at the same time three years ago. Lately, though, the sight of him made Xander's stomach dip... in a way he wasn't comfortable with.

He tried to school the expression on his face. Liam had done nothing wrong, so instead of telling him to get lost like he wanted, he stretched his lips into a tight smile.

"Sure. Can you grab that corner? This sheet is giving me fits."

As he watched Liam saunter over—and yes, the cocky little shit was definitely sauntering—Xander took in the lean, athletic build, lightly freckled skin, and long hair, and again felt that irrepressible something he refused to name. It made him want to lash out, hit something, or get as far away from a bed and Liam as he could.

Liam bent to grab the sheet, pulling it taut over the corner, and Xander shook himself out of the daze his thoughts had put him in. Together, they made quick work of both beds without talking, though every time Xander glanced up, it was to find Liam studying him. After a few times, Xander started feeling self-conscious.

"What, man?" It sounded aggressive even to Xander, but he couldn't shake his mood.

Liam didn't say anything for a few moments, just finished putting a case on the pillow in his hands. After he chucked it toward the top of the mattress, he pulled a knit beanie from his back pocket and sat on the end of the bed.

"You okay lately, Xander? Something you want to talk about?"

Liam seemed concerned, twisting the hat between his fingers before he yanked it onto his head, tucking his hair behind his ears. A few inches shorter than Xander's own six-foot-three and not as muscled, Liam was still a commanding presence. His swimmer's build was lanky and strong. Faded blue jeans, a Matchbox Twenty T-shirt, and an open flannel paired with black Converse and the knit hat gave the impression of a stoner, but Xander knew the smart brain in that head belied Liam's outfit of choice.

"Where's Becca?" It came out accusatory, and Xander could feel his blood pressure rising. Becca was Liam's girlfriend of two years. Xander liked the bubbly, petite brunette. Hell, he'd had sex with her numerous times in a multitude of ways here in ODP. Always along with Liam, of course... and there was the kicker. With Liam. He felt a muscle start ticking in his jaw.

Liam's eyebrows drew together. "She went home to visit her parents for the day. Why?"

Xander wasn't sure why he'd asked, or when the thought of Becca and Liam together had started to bother him. The two seemed like a good pair. They had an easygoing relationship with no jealousy or drama. But then again, since they'd met in a sex club and hadn't stopped coming after they'd started dating, it made sense. Apparently, they knew how to keep the two worlds separated, but Xander was starting to wonder if he still could.

"Just curious. Y'all usually have cleanup together, that's all. Let's just finish this, okay?"

Xander pushed a hand through his chestnut-colored hair, making it spiky. It was shaved on the sides, longish on the top, and he was still getting used to it. He'd wanted a change, and he'd definitely achieved it with the unorthodox—for him, anyway—haircut.

According to Becca when she'd seen it yesterday, the hair, along with the goatee he'd started growing out, made him look like trouble any girl would love to get into. He'd rolled his eyes, but he hadn't been able to help cutting his gaze to Liam for his reaction. Liam had been staring almost pensively at him, and Xander hadn't been able to get a read on what the other guy was thinking. Had he been mad at Becca's teasing?

Xander had tried to push down the want—no, the need—to know if Liam liked his new look. But that Xander had even had the thought at all had disgusted him, and he'd been too brusque with the couple. He hadn't missed the flash of hurt on either of their faces when he'd made hurried excuses about forgetting he'd promised to hang with Peyton and her friend Jaime that night, two of the girls at the club. They'd welcomed him with open arms—and legs—even though it had been a lie. He'd been sucked and fucked to within an inch of his life, but he'd left unsatisfied and empty, craving something he shouldn't want to have.

Which led him back to now, and the anger stirring in his gut. Liam hadn't moved from the bed, just continued staring, and it pissed Xander off even more.

"Whatever, man. I'm gonna start the next room."

Spinning on his heel, Xander made to leave, but Liam jumped up and grab his arm. His normally relaxed face was tense.

"Xander, stop. I don't know what's going on with you. You've been different. New look. And a new attitude to go with it, apparently. Have I done something to piss you off? We haven't hung out in a few weeks, not really, when we used to every day. Only see each other in passing here. Becca said you'd already told her you were going to hang with us yesterday, and then you went off with Jaime and Peyton instead. You've been... acting strange since Ry brought Lucy here. What's wrong?"

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