the boy and his acorn

the pain of not knowing what to say

~Evan's POV~

No one has ever trusted me with something that heavy. 

Also, he uses my full name if he doesn't use nicknames. The only other person who uses my first and last names is my mom. Well, was my mom, back when she was around enough for me to get in trouble. I feel bad when the heat of resentment pinches my heart. I miss my mom, but I know she has to work as much as she does, and I feel selfish for wishing she didn't. 

Either way, it feels familiar when it comes out of Connor's mouth. Different. Lighter. That's it. It feels the same way your body does in water, refreshing and light. Like nothing will ever weigh anything again. Not until you get out. 

I realise that I've been quiet for quite some time. What do I say? There's nothing like that I can get off of my chest, except.. but what if he got weird about it? Then again.. But on the other hand.. 

"Evan?" His voice is soft, different than his normal words, brusque and defensive. Maybe that's why I haven't run yet. I understand the need to be defensive. Not to the same extent, probably, but to some. 

You have to respond, Evan, make your mouth move, you useless-

"Um, yeah?" It's weak, but it's something.

"How do you feel about coffee? I was thinking of going to get some but there are a couple places that don't serve anything else, and I don't really want to be drinking something while you're not because it just feels weird, so if you don't drink coffee we could stop somewhere else so you could get like pop or something, but you know, it's whatever."

"You know, uh, t-that's actually the, uh, the most I, uh, I think y-you've ever really, uh, you know, said to me."

"Yeah, yeah, I'm the unrelenting master of the monosyllable, as every stupid adult in my life likes to tell me. Do you drink coffee or not?"

His words have the normal bite to them, but it doesn't bother me. Family issues can take you one of two ways, way too soft, or way too hard, either way, communicating normally becomes harder and harder. At least, that's what Dr. Sherman tells me.

"I mean, um, I guess, you know, I don't really drink it, um, too, too often, but I'm, uh, I'm always open to it, um, especially if, you know, it would make you feel better, cause, uh, this whole thing, is, um, you know, pretty much me tagging along to, um, to whatever you normally do, which, um, by the, uh, by the way, is, like, you know, pretty cool. Sorry, that, that probably doesn't make any sense, um, I'm sorry."

"Hey, take a breath, Evan Hansen. No one here but me. You can relax. I don't bite. Unless, you know, you're into that." He grins and winks at me, and I feel by cheeks burn.