Squared up in feelings.
M A N I K
"She's not responding well. This case is quite critical and we're putting our best efforts to stop her internal bleeding, but we can't ensure anything now. Trust us, we're doing our best", the doctor said with a sad grimace and I could feel the fear recoiling in the entire body.
My hands trembled and my eyes watered as I reached my hand towards the door knob which was the only separating distance between us now. The feeling was ancient, yet way too familiar and the entire scene replayed like a fast moving train. Something was behind there in my brain, that were reconnecting her accident with hers and it was anything but good. My body felt hot and sweat started trickling down my neck. I gripped the knob tightly and twisted it. With every move I made, I got more and more terrified. My breath quickened as I heard the creaking of the door as I shut it behind. I could feel only the eerie silence deafening me. Suddenly everything was silent again and behind the door seemed just darkness, even though there were people outside. I went closer to her bed and saw Nandini being unobtrusive to my actions, fear and processes. Once I saw her enclosed in wires, with face mask for ventilation, there was nothing of relaxation to my tense body. This was what facing your fears feels like.
I felt unguarded and unarmed there, and completely complacent with the god's plan. I sat on my knees, lifted my body to relatively her level and threw my disguise of control and bursted out in tears.
"Why? Why Nandini? Isn't it enough to know that I'd lost one important person already in my life? It is unfair how they teach you to love someone, but not grief their loss. They taught us that hate was the opposite of love, that it pained to hate someone when you could simply love them. They were wrong...completely wrong", I spoke with my broken voice. "Loss is the side of loving they never warn you of... that should you loose your lover your heart is buried with them. When the dirt hits the wood it buries your soul too. There is no coming back, and so the world becomes as if made of shadows and every breath feels hollow in the chest. I've already lost a piece of my heart and I thought then it was impossible to mend it back. But you were the redemption that god chose me for, to make things squared up and to reconstruct the flow of things. We were building the pavement step by step and hence you can't hang me up in middle. You can't-"
The fear of losing seemed invincible on me and the balance of my sanity was whipping away with every drop of her heartbeat. "I need you, Nandini. I do"
I sniffed my nose away and looked for any reaction from her end. I was frantically and hysterically looking for any signs they showed in movies- lifting up of her index figure, grasping for breath in uneven motion, rendering strength for opening her lids or any goddamn sign to make realize that she could hear me in her subconscious.
"Nandini", I took her hands in mine, gently stroke it with tender affection and pecked on it as sign of desperate apology. I looked at her heavenly face and I realized I could write a million letters, each one the same as the last in sentiment and cadence for her. They would stay the same, only the word arrangement changes. I could roll back time and switch places with her. "Please forgive me. It was my fault to take you there, to be selfish enough for entrusting my responsibilities on you. It was my need of the hour that I came near you, went away, pushed you in the darkness, held your hand for comfort and endangered your life. There is no apology in the world that encompasses all the reasons that I'm wrong for you. You deserve someone who can match your kindness, love, affection and compassion and someone who could be your safety harness. I put you in danger and I shall let you decide whether you still think I'm of any hope, or there is any tunnel of light left for us"
"You can hit me, slap me, fight me. But please wake up to do that", I cried incoherently and there the floodgates opened up. The tears felt seamlessly from my eyes, trickled down my face unasked and poured down on her face. Life felt unfair and meaningless to begin with. The menacing pain was the only thing I could absorb on myself.
She'll be okay, she better be.
________
"Mr Malhotra, there are hopes. She's trying to respond to our medicines. It was once that we felt since last night that she wanted to fight back. Keep up her spirits", the doctor informed us, exactly an hour later, when I left her ward.
Cabir came and hugged me and for the first time, I felt life filtering back.
"You and Samay, both get to eat something. You guys need energy to stay here all day", Cabir said and for the first time ever, I glanced at Samay and deciphered his condition. The awful hollowness, deep wretch face, the emptiness in his heart, the numbness pounding his brain, the salty tears that flowed unchecked from his eyes, the shear nothingness that now took hold of his soul threatened to engulf him entirely. I was so occupied that I thought I was the only one in pain. Samay was undergoing the same series of emotions, if not more. He didn't meet her once because he was too sensitive to face her. "Dude, she'll be okay. I know her as a fighter. You'll not lose her", I tried offering consolation and he was surprised with my peace offering. "You're a good person, Samay. I apologize for my previous behaviour"
"No need, Mr Malhotra. We all want the same, her well being. All other things are secondary right now and I'm glad that she id responding after your rendezvous inside - she could obviously hear you", my gaze fixated and nodded with a minuscule smile and still carried a perturbed face, when both Cabir and Samay took me to the canteen to have food.
___________
We came back from canteen after gulping down only liquids because nothing solid went under the throat. As we approached closer to Nandini's cabin, we could hear faint sobs from the corner and inquisitively we came across a women of nearly our age. She had her face dipped in her hands and tears were constantly vanquishing her strength, as what we concluded. Our movement disrupted her focus and she looked above. She came closer, "You're Manik Malhotra, right? You don't know me, but Navya knows way too much"
I nodded my head and her puffed face became angrier, "You...you're the reason that my friend is in trouble. You've never made our life easier. I know you and I don't know but I can bet she ended up here, because of you. Trust me, agar use kuch hua na toh matarani ki kasam hum chodenge nahi aapko"
I was shocked beneath the core. There was a stranger girl blaming me for can't say wrong reasons. Since the time, I'd entered her life, I'd made it horrible. I was guilt ridden, Samay was secluded with the conversation and someone else was transfixed.
She'll be okay, she better be.
___________
A day have already passed since we are in the hospital. Nandini became a bit more responsive than yesterday, but her condition wasn't well till now. The doctor had advised us to create a homely feeling so that she return her conscious state again.
Navya, her friend had decoarted her room with her favorite books, stuffed toys and other pictures. The room was beautiful, the flowers fresh, perfumed. There was a view of the mountains and outside the garden was perfection. I eased myself into the chair and observed her face with the dried tears while the nurse put on her favourite music, Coldplay. Samay sat at her other side, quietly holding her hand. The nurse changed her glucose syringes and went away smiling at us with wakeful and hopeful eyes.
She'll be okay, she better be.
I saw Navya and Cabir at one corner praying to god every hour and this routine had made them a bit familiar with each other. At least, Navya was on talking terms with him and chose to completely ignore my existence and I didn't blame her. I broke my trance and looked at her face again, whispering "Please wake up. I'll make things right"
I mumbled and sat near her face, reading her favourite book Pride and Prejudice hoping she would recover. My phone rang that moment and I received it, "Mr Malhotra, you wanted charges against Mr Aditya. But we're yet to receive solid evidence to issue a warrant. We're trying our best"
"So try harder. I don't know", and I just shut my phone off and reminded myself.
She'll be okay, she better be.
