Now I'm Here (Frian Fanfiction) (EN)

Chapter 5: I Really Love You

Freddie's POV:

I walked away as quickly as possible. I wanted to hate him. I wanted to hate him with all my heart. But I couldn't. I was still in love with him. I was tired of it. I didn't want to be in love with a straight man and in a happy relationship.

When I watched them walking to us, hand in hand, my heart felt like it had been crushed. I looked away quickly, knowing I wouldn't be able to hold all the tears. I felt sick. Sick of this, sick of everything. I wanted to leave and never look back. I wanted to scream, to yell at them to leave me alone. But I shut up and let all my feelings in. One day, there will be too much of them, I won't be able to keep them bottled up in me. One day I'll blow up.

They kissed in front of us like I wasn't feeling like shit enough. I tried to keep everything inside. I did everything to keep myself from exploding, but when Brian talked about my father, I couldn't stop anything. It was like he knew I would have enough one time or another. So he kept doing everything that could make me break. I raised my voice, hit the table with my fist and walked away. I tried to hide the fact that I couldn't take it anymore, that the lump in my throat that had been there for a long time wouldn't go away.

"Fred!" I heard my name being called.

I ignored it, continuing my walk. I entered the empty music class on the first floor. I felt a hand on my shoulder and I stopped. I turned around to see John with a small sad smile on his face. I didn't want his pity, I didn't want anyone's pity.

"Are you okay?" He asked quietly while looking in my eyes.

I kept my mouth shut and nodded. He rolled his eyes.

"That's not the answer I wanted." He answered.

I shrugged and turned away to leave, but he stopped me before I could. He turned me around so I faced him. He wrapped his arms around me. He knew that he'd eventually be able to get the words out of me. I squeezed him as tight as possible, enjoying the warmth of his hug.

"You can be honest with me Freddie. I'm your best friend." John whispered.

I squeezed my eyes shut tightly. I didn't want to cry. I was tired of crying. It was so exhausting. He pulled away from our hug slowly. I felt his hands cover my cheeks. I opened my eyes slowly, getting used to the light.

"You can't keep all these thoughts and feelings in here." He lightly tapped my head with his finger. "It'll be too much one day. I only want you to be happy Freddie. You deserve to be and I'll do everything so you are. But if you want me to help you, you need to talk to me."

I nodded. I took a deep breath. I avoided his eyes before finally meeting them. Once I did, I cursed myself as tears began to fill my eyes. I sniffed quietly. We both sat on the floor facing each other.

"I-I" I started talking, but nothing would come out.

"Hey, don't worry, take your time. We can skip all of our classes if you want to. It's not a problem." He said laughing quietly.

I laughed too. His smile got bigger as I did.

"It's so hard John. It's like everything keeps piling on my shoulders. Like every day there's something more for me to worry about. I can't stop thinking." He looked at me with sweet eyes. "I can't sleep anymore. It's either those invading thoughts or just this feeling I often get. I feel empty. Like there's something missing in my life, in me" I explained.

"What sort of thought?" He asked calmly.

I wiped away a tear that threatened to fall. It's where it was getting harder. I hated that I had to say those thoughts out loud. The thoughts that kept haunting me day after day for months.