Healing the Past

Falling Apart

Chapter 25

Spike arrived in a matter of minutes. “Are you ok? What did he say? You ok after today’s call?”

“I’m fine. He said, and I quote ‘I want my girl back.’”

“What did you say?”

“I told him I wasn’t. Then he said ‘Goodbye for now.’ I’m just a little creeped out.”

“You want me to stay?”

“If it wouldn’t be too much trouble.”

He nodded and plopped down on the couch. I followed suit and leaned against him as he put an arm around me. “You didn’t tell me if you were ok after today’s call?”

“Everyone keeps asking that. I’m fine it’s not the first time I’ve shot someone.” Just the first time I’ve shot a kid…. Don’t think about it T. You don’t fall apart. You stay strong.

“I know, but this wasn’t some guy who was mad about something. That was a kid who was picked on every day and just got pushed over the edge.”

I felt irritation flare up. “You don’t think I feel guilty?”

“No, I think you’re too used to putting up walls to keep people from seeing how you really feel. You say you’re fine, but inside you’re falling apart. Wondering what you could’ve said to get him to put the gun down. You know what T? There is nothing. You know that. So stop beating yourself up about it. We have a saying in the team. ‘Just because you did right doesn’t mean you get to feel right.’ You did the right thing and it’s ok to fall apart.”

I looked at him. He was right. I keep a calm face when I was falling apart inside because I saw breaking down as weak and I’ve never had time to be weak. I always had to be the strong one. For my mom and brother, then for the victim’s families. I felt a tear slid down my cheek. Then I buried my face in his chest and broke down.