A mole's behind

10. Secret tunnel! Secret tunnel! Through the mountain!

[Summary for TW people: in the last chapter Grian and Iskall smooched, but when things got more *ahem* heated, Grian stopped them]

TW: swear words, panic attack, general angst, mentions of sex

POV Iskall
He hurried after Grian, who was already rushing through the tunnel. Again? What had just happened?

"Grian?" he asked loudly. "Are you alright?" The blond slowed down, causing Iskall to almost bump into him.

"I... I guess I feel scared," Grian told the empty tunnel before him.

"Scared? What would you be scared about? Nightfall?" Iskall said to Grian's back, ending in a sly grin. "If it gets dark outside, we can always camp in this cave. Or we go back and visit Gimmy and then he can entertain us."

Grian laughed. "I'm sure he'd enjoy that. We're his little human toys." Iskall grinned, then squeezed through the small space between Grian and the tunnel-wall to look at him.
"He plays James with us."

Grian chuckled again.

"But really, what scared you?" He looked directly into Grian's eyes, "Tell me, I'll fight it! Nothing is allowed to scare my Grian." And he took a warrior stance blocking an imaginary opponent.

POV Grian
Grian squeezed his eyes shut and grimaced, as the realization hit him. He faced Iskall with a pained look.
"I think you might find there is a slight problem with that... because what I was scared off is you."

Was he really scared of Iskall? The dissonance between the longing and the insecurity was hard to grasp. Iskall blinked puzzledly.
"Me? Well, I guess I have no choice then. Iskall, I will fight you!"
His right fist punched his left arm. "Ouch! You'll regret that!" His left fist punched his right arm. "Is that all you've got?"

Grian laughed bittersweetly and Iskall grinned at him, uncrossing his arms.

"So now that we have that taken care off... would you please explain why I scared you? You seemed pretty on board with what was going on. What did I do wrong?" The faint amusement washed off instantly. Grian opened his mouth to answer, then closed it. He couldn't tell him. What if Iskall didn't want to be with him anymore? What if he thought something was wrong with Grian, what if something was wrong with him? He stared at the wall to his right, then croaked a reply.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Pleeaase?"

Grian's head pounded. Thoughts were tripping over each other, not one of them an answer or even a coherent sentence. Heavy silence filled the cave and with every second the pressure on Grian seemed to increase.

POV Iskall
Worrying, he waited for an answer. Grian's eyes fluttered from one spot to another, hands clenched to fists, shoulders tight. If Iskall had to describe him, he would probably compare him to a cornered cat. Oh snap! Was he panicking? What was it you do when someone panicked?

"I'm scared of sex," Grian suddenly blurted out, eyes shut and trembling.

Oh.

"Then why didn't you-... Hold on." Grian didn't look well at all. "Let's sit down, ok?" He took his pickaxe and mined out a few blocks, creating a little sitting area. He pulled Grian towards it, then sat down himself. It wasn't very comfortable, but he didn't have any cosy blocks on him and it was better than standing. To his enormous surprise the blond immediately snuggled close to him. He was so cute, how could Iskall dare to hurt him? But how did he even? What in the world was going on?

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I couldn't. You were so confident and experienced and I had no goddamn reason to be scared." He said the word 'experienced' in the darkest tone Iskall had ever heard from him. A lump formed in Iskall's throat. He stared at the wall, listening carefully as Grian whispered.

"I let you down. Agai-"

Grian's voice broke.

Tears made the wall blurry, but Iskall blinked them away with force. He wanted to say that it wasn't Grian's fault, that he didn't let him down, but the lump in his throat wouldn't let him speak. The silence was deafening.

Why wouldn't his mouth work? He needed to say something! But he couldn't and so he just wrapped his arms around his boyfriend and held him tightly. Grian's chest moved quickly, and the small sobs he tried to suppress were like daggers to Iskall's chest. His love was afraid and it was his fault. A few of the tears he had defeated before rolled over his cheeks and dropped from his face.

"Are you crying? No, you can't, Iskall, this isn't your fault!" Grian sounded desperate. He turned around, somehow managing not to stab his elbows in Iskall's stomach and hugged him back. His head was resting against Iskall's shoulder and it was good that it was, because otherwise Iskall would have never heard the faint, breaking whisper that followed.

"It di-n't even come to your mind. With all of the sh-it I did, you still manage to think this is y-our own fuckup. But I'm the one who's broken. I'm scared..."

"I'm just as obtuse as Mumbo is, aren't I?" and a sad chuckle escaped Iskall's lips.
"And here I thought I could give you tips."
This time the silence was less heavy.

He felt weirdly light. Finally he knew what was going on. It didn't help his conscience, but at least now he was no longer trying to fix something that wasn't broken. He gathered his thoughts, carefully choosing the next words.

"I'm sorry I didn't get it. I was... you were right, I was too caught up in my own stuff."
He patted Grian's back.

"But I need you to know that you are also wrong. You didn't let me down. That's never how I saw it. You confused the life out of me." remembering it made Iskall wince.
"But we don't need to, I mean... if you need time, that's ok. Even if you never..."
There was a pregnant pause as he struggled for words. "I think I could deal with it. But please don't hide from me like this."

Grian didn't answer, he only nodded slightly. Iskall didn't blame him. He wouldn't have had an answer himself.

After a while all parts of him that were touching the makeshift seating had become ice cold and it got more and more uncomfortable. Grian had slipped down to lie on his lap again and the parts of Iskall's legs that his weight was on had become numb quite a while ago.

"Uhm, G..."
Grian made a grunt that sounded like understanding.
"You know, we can't stay in this cave forever, right?"

Another approving grunt followed and Iskall smiled at the sleepiness it showed. He gently brushed through Grian's hair.
"If you think I'll carry you, you are mistaking. As romantic as this sounds, I'd barely make it to the next corner, let alone out and to my base."

Grian's head turned and he glared at him, sleepy eyes narrowed, but twinkling.
"Did you just call me fat?"

"Well, technically no, but now you did it yourself." And he grinned at the blond.

"Oh fine," Grian yawned. "Let's head home, ok?"

A/N:

Hi again, long time no see xD 
I had a lot on my mind and didn't feel inspired to write.

So, we spent one and a half chapters in a cave. I promise, we'll see the sun again in the next. And hopefully we'll also make some progress story-wise since we're still in the timeline before the war and I have plans for things after the war already.

Remember everyone, you don't owe anyone anything in relationships. If you don't feel comfortable with a situation you have the right to say no. You have a right to change your mind and a right to say no to things that happen to you. These are all embedded in your human rights of dignity, freedom and security of person (Art. 1-3 Universal Declaration of Human Rights)

Relationships, romantic or not, are not contracts. If someone doesn't want to respect your boundaries, they are not your friend.

Question of the day: Would you rather have bigger time skips in the story, but progress faster or keep moving in the continuous story with longer update times?