They Vowed: 'Til Death Do Us Part?

Chapter 6: Coincidence

Clare

Matt came home finally right before Valentine's Day, which was about 2 weeks ago. He has been working in Georgia for about a month. He is a consultant for different businesses so he has to travel different places often. Here lately he has been more busy and has been away frequently. Since he has been home I have been surprisingly anxious instead of relieved like I usually am. There is something different about him. He is so distant and has been almost avoiding me. On Valentine's Day we did go out to a nice restaurant and he got me flowers and chocolate. I bought him cologne and a new watch. He seemed pleased but something about it seemed more like a transaction. Valentine's Day is supposed to feel romantic. This time it felt empty and that scared the shit out of me. It's never felt this bad before. We have had fights and disagreements before but this time wasn't the same. It's like nothing is there between us anymore. It feels forced and awkward. I'm horrible at confrontation. I just hold everything in until bottles up inside. I know I can't go on like this or I will blow up. Shit will hit the fan and there will be a huge fight, because my temper is unstoppable once its unleashed.

I can't stop the thoughts that are constantly running through my head. Is he cheating? Did he find someone new that he is planning on leaving me for? Or is he just tired of my panic attacks? I had one the other night right when he got back home. I know it was because the lack of connection between us. It sent me over the fucking edge. I didn't want him to be around me when it happened but we were in bed when I had it. I had woken up from a nightmare and I could feel my heart beating hard. I started to cry uncontrollably and my breaths became harder and faster. My chest felt like it was ripping open and I felt like I was surely going to die. All I could keep saying is "Please, don't. Stop!" Over and over again. Matt woke up and I can barely remember what he did at first. Then I felt his arms wrap around me tight and he just held me until it stopped, which after a few minutes it did. And my body stopped being tense and my breathing and heartbeat slowed and the pain slowly went away. I realized it was just a dream. Just a nightmare. It wasn't happening again. It wasn't real anymore. After it was over Matt didn't say anything he just turned over and went back to sleep.

I couldn't sleep so I just went downstairs and pulled my bottle of rum out of the freezer. I put ice in a glass and poured it to the top. I got my cigarettes out of my purse and went outside on the back porch. I took a gulp of my rum and then lit a cigarette. I tried so hard not to think about it. It only makes it worse. I just sat there and drank the tall glass of rum and had several cigarettes. When I was done I was pretty drunk. The rum was strong and I drank it straight. I was light headed and I couldn't feel anything anymore. I was so numb. It was relieving. I went backup stairs and passed out cold.

"Clare. Hello did you hear me? I need you to take this one. I have someone coming in at 10 to get their hair colored," Karen tells me from across the beauty shop and it snaps me out of my thoughts. I didn't even hear the dinging sound the door makes that lets us know a costumer has arrived. Damn, I need to get my shit together.

"Yes, I got it. Sorry, Karen." I tell her this as I start heading towards the front of the shop.

There is half of a wall in between the waiting area and the rest of the shop where we do hair and nails. I can't see the costumer yet and I'm hoping they don't want anything too crazy, because right now I'm distracted a bit. I get to the front and I see him standing there looking at the hair products with his back to me. I know its Jaxon already. I remember exactly what he looks like. If I'm being brutally honest with myself I've thought about him often since the first time I saw him. I feel terribly guilty about it to. Its so stupid of me to think about him when we are both married. This is going to be hard. I wish Karen wasn't busy. I really don't wanna be near him, let alone do his hair which requires me touching him. Shit. I get nervous just thinking about it. Why does he have to be so damn irresistible.