Death is My BFFLAD Rewritten (Book 2 of the Rewritten Death Chronicles)

Chapter 49: Friend or Enemy

Hiiiiiiii!

Will thou be my Valentine???

HALF GOD, HALF DEEEVILLLLLLLLL. You should 1000000% listen to the attached song repeatedly during this chapter. I listened to it writing the entire thing. LMAO. It's so #FADE

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Love,

Kat

     The lights were on in the mausoleum and it became clear that this place was used for other purposes for quite some time. Condom wrappers, crack pipes, and other paraphernalia littered the ground. In-between that garbage, rot and decay filled the cracks of once elaborate tiles. Graffiti and symbols arched wildly across the marble walls like scars of pandemonium.

Mausoleums were notorious for their meticulously clean appearance. The fact that this place was so ruined felt wrong on an astronomical level. I imagined the thousands of bodies crammed like sardines throughout this castle-like structure and became furious that this was what had become of the dead's sanctuary.

I kicked something on the ground, and it shattered against the wall. "At least these losers who destroyed this mausoleum are wearing protection, so they won't procreate."

Death's laugh came out in a short grunt, and I couldn't help but think he was mocking me. Aw, does the big bad Death think he's too good for condoms?  I glanced up at him narrowed eyes aimed at the assumed sexually irresponsible Angel of Pull Out. He gave me a 'WTF are you looking at?' face, before touching my back and guided me to walk in front of him.

"Walk ahead of me," he said.

Now I was sandwiched between Death and Malphas, Malphas having put distance between us and walking in front of me a good ten feet. Nothing says uncomfortable quite like an estranged demi-god father and his hybrid supernatural son coming together impromptu.

"So," I began, in an attempt to break the incredibly uncomfortable and undeniably awkward silence between the three of us. "This probably isn't the time, but I've always wondered... Do you guys ever, like, pee?"

Neither of them responded. Rude!

"Because I haven't seen a single immortal drink a whole glass of water," I continued. "Seriously, not one. Dehydration is a silent killer."

Behind me, Death slowly inhaled and exhaled through his nose, as if he wanted to duct tape my mouth shut and bind my hands together, before tossing me helplessly into an ocean. Either that, or he'd gotten bored with being undead and desired to take a random mortal-like breath.

I shuffled a little faster to catch up to Malphas.

"Hey," I said with a head nod, but he didn't acknowledge me. "Does it ever get weird that you could pass for your son's older brother?"

His lifeless black eyes glanced over at me, and his eyebrows dipped inward in puzzlement.

"Faith," Death growled in warning from behind us.

"We don't need water to nourish our bodies," Malphas said, answering my previous question. "But if we do, for whatever reason, consume water or mortal food, then yes, we'd have to use the bathroom afterward."

"Interesting," I said, tapping my chin. "Very interesting... Even number two?"

Death hooked a finger into the back pocket of my pants and yanked me back to walk next to him again. Cut it out, he mouthed, his eyes beseeching me to stop.