Back to You

Chapter One

~JESSIE~

We had just spent the night together. It had been like this since I decided to leave everything back home 6 months ago to go after what I always thought I wanted..him.

And every time, there's always that nagging feeling that something's missing, that not everything was quite right -- atleast, on his part.

I knew it. I knew it during the first month living together. I knew it during that first night. And yet, I brushed the thought away. I consciously and unconsciously denied it. I thought I just had to give it time. Besides, we were already living together -- that should be enough.

Until I saw those coffee runs he would take. A quick check on her socials. That one phonecall. The wide smile he got looking at her picture deep into the night after we had slept together. I don't want to believe he's cheating on me. But I do know that he still had lingering feelings for her. I don't think I can deny it anymore.

And so I woke up early, on the day of our third month living together. I don't want to live in a lie anymore. I finally accepted the truth. And the truth fucking hurts.

"Good morning, hun," he whispered in my ear followed by those kisses on the neck that I would terribly miss. "Hey," was all I can muster under a sad smile.

"What do you want to do today, huh?" he asked. "Maybe we can go out later for a lunch date? Do you still want to try that yogurt place you were telling me about?"

Oh man! How could I say no this? To him? I have never once thought about actually doing what I was about to do. It just seemed unimaginable because for such a long time, it was him that I wanted. I went after him, didn't I?

"Eric, I have to tell you something," I started. My heart pounded so heavily in my chest. My tears were ready to roll down my cheeks. "We have to stop doing this."

"What? What do you mean?" he seemed really taken aback at first.

"I think we have to stop pretending. I know I have to stop pretending." I looked at him sternly but with sad knowing eyes. He sat in front of me, confused for a moment but then I saw that glistening in his eyes. I believed he understood what I meant.

"Jessie, I'm not sure what you mean but I know I'm not pretending," he said it like he was trying to convince me. But it sounded more like he was trying to convince himself.

I sighed. "You still love her, don't you?" There, I finally said it.

He looked at me and I could tell he was also thinking it. "What made you say that? How can you say that?" He didn't sound as if he's accusing me, though. I felt those were a genuine questions. And so I told him about the coffee runs, those moments when he would check her online and that phone call one night. I saw his shoulders slump, as if caught red-handed. He bowed his head only for a moment and looked up to me with those beautifil brown eyes I would also miss greatly.

"I'm sorry, Jess" was all he said. I'm sorry, too. "I just thought.. I mean, I-"

"It's okay. I know. I mean, I wanted to believe it wasn't happening, but I guess I was turning a blind eye to the fact that you still love her-"

"But, Jessie. Look, just.. just give me more time, ok? And I'm really sorry," Eric ernestly said as he held my hands close to his heart. I wanted to believe him, I do.

I shook my head. "No, it's alright Eric. I don't think you should." I wanted to stop the welling of tears in my eyes. Because the moment, they fall down, it's the end.

He looked me dead in the eyes, pleading. "Don't you love me anymore?" His words shattered me into pieces.

"No, no." And I kissed him one last time. Softly, but not too long or else I wouldn't be able to stop myself. "You don't know how much I love you. I do, honestly. But because I love you, I have to let you go. I can't be selfish and delusional anymore, Eric. I want you to be happy, to be truly happy."

"Jessie, I'm sorry." was all he said. He was crying, too.

And so, with broken hearts we said our goodbyes. He left the apartment for the day to give me time to pack my things. As soon as he closed the door behind him, I let the tears flow non stop.

Funny how fast I was able to pack up all my things despite my emotional ordeal. I guess, 6 months ago Jessie did predict I wouldn't stay long to pile up on personal things.

The morning after, I decided to leave the apartment fast. After showering and preparing, I grabbed my phone and called the one person who would pick me up to pieces. Matt.