Back to You

Chapter Five

~JESSIE~ 

For a couple of weeks I've been having the same dreams over and over again. It was that morning when Eric and I said our goodbyes and that moment I kissed him. Instead of saying goodbye, I didn't let go. We kissed what felt like a long time. When I backed away to catch my breathe, it was no longer Eric who I was with. It was Matt staring into my eyes. I can read his lips say I love you several times. The next time I blink, I wake up all flustered and covered in sweat.

That night at the hotel, we both knew it was a mistake. It was a mistake we were both aware of but consented to it. I knew why I did it. But up to this day, I was still confused about why Matt agreed to it. Yes, I know I made him my rebound but the way the evening transpired, he felt like a different person. He was passionate and caring. Every touch send little electricity throughout my body. Every kiss was heartfelt and deep. He wasn't the Matt that I knew as my bestfriend. He was a different Matt, probably the Eric from the past we tried to forget about. I don't know. And would it be bad if I said that I liked that, Matt?

The following day, I decided to go home to Melbourne. I wanted to drive by myself in a rental but Matt insisted of driving me instead. He said it was to make up for what happened last night. I gave in to his request.

I could no longer look at my bestfriend in the eyes without feeling my heart beating so hard. I've hurt him before and I don't ever want to do it again. I had to get away as fast and as far as I could from him. I needed to sort out my head, most especially my heart. And so, I cut off communications with him. Meanwhile, he tried his best to reach out. He would call and try to see me, but I just couldn't face him yet. Not yet when both he and Eric would still turn up in my dreams. I can't still feel hurt and then hurt another person. I just can't.

And so for the past couple of weeks, amidst the troubling dreams, I've decided to go back to my Aussie life and immense myself in work. One of my cousins in Sydney opened her home for me and I found a part-time job at a local preschool. I did go home and told my parents about the break up. Thankfully, they were ready to put the past behind them and help me move on.

Matt had stopped reaching out as well after I finally answered one of his many calls. I told him that I was eternally grateful for that six months he was with me until that night at the hotel. However, I needed the space and time for myself. I told him he might also need it. It was for the best, I hope. He seemed to understand what I said and told me he'd wait for me. He'd like to hang out with his bestfriend soon. I did, too. And so, my bestfriend and I parted ways, as well.