what if it hurts // l.h

one.

It's really weird how much things change. Like two years ago I was in the basement of my best friend's house watching him and a few guys from school cover Blink 182 songs, and eat more pizza than I thought humanly possible. I would lay on the scratchy carpet, while they sang and played, I always clapped and screamed after every song. They really were talented even as a bunch of halfway-through-puberty, awkward 15 year olds. Now I'm standing backstage as they perform in front of hundreds of hormone-filled teenage girls screaming their names.

I am unbelievably proud. This must be what it feels like to have a child on honor roll, or watching your son score the winning goal. But no I'm not a mother watching their son shine at some sport or get a perfect report card. I'm watching my four best friends play their heart out  and live their dream. A pang of jealousy hits as with every great thing that's yours you want to stay yours. Like when your favorite indie band makes it onto the radio and now suddenly everyone knows the radio remix. But I shove my jealousy away, as it doesn't belong there.

I watch my boys jump around on stage, singing the lyrics to their last song. Their faces light up as they watch the adoring fans sing the lyrics back at them. They look so happy, doing what they do best. After a few more lines, the melody slows, and the show's over. The boys' say their last goodbyes and thank you's as the audience roars in a final applause. The boys run off stage to wear I'm watching. Sweat glistening over their bodies, eyes wide, and hair messy.

"Awesome job tonight!" I say high-fiving each of them as they walk backstage. All except Calum who pulls me into a huge hug. "You killed it Cal." I say, wrapping my arms around his sweaty and sticky body. The boys begin to detach their ear pieces, putting the equipment away.

"Did you hear the crowd during Wherever You Are?" Luke says excitedly. " They knew every word!" The smile that's on Luke's face is a cross between a kid seeing the candy aisle at the store and a puppy in a big field.

"I'm telling you guys, the fans are dedicated." I laugh, "and it's not all based on your cute faces." I laugh. Calum huffs out a deep breath before throwing himself onto the floor.

"I'm.so.tired." Calum moans as he spreads out on his back, causing Michael to trip and almost fall on top of him.

The boys' are rushing, adrenaline pumping through their veins, so ecstatic to share this experience with each other. This was their time and I did not want to crash the band's bonding time or what not. I was so happy to see them play this gig, it does not even hurt to see them all together.  "I'm going to head home, you guys were amazing." I say, about to leave the venue, deciding to let them have band time.

"Wait you're not coming out for drinks with us?" Calum says pushing his sweaty hair off of his forehead.

"I was just going to go home and sleep, or maybe marathon America's Next Top Model." I say, turning back to face the boys. Ashton frowns at me.

"C'mon Em, you're always fun to get drunk." He pouts.

"I'm not really dressed for clubbing." I frown down at my current outfit. I'm wearing a pair of high-waisted black cutoff shorts, and a maroon crop top, a grey cardigan draped over my shoulders. And to add to the very fancy outfit, beat up, black converse.

"Don't worry we're not going anywhere too fancy." Ashton says grabbing me by the shoulders, swinging his arm over them. "Besides, if I can't get lucky tonight, I could always fuck you." Ashton says with a wink.

"Yeah, in your dreams Irwin." Luke says, laughing as Calum shakes his head in disapproval. A remark like the one Ashton just made would usually offend me. But this is Ashton were talking about. And I swear to God that boy is never not horny. It comes out as a joke. But we both know if I ever wanted to, he would in a heartbeat. 

Michael and Ashton take the lead, heading out the back door and towards the van. Michael opens the back door, unleashing a mess of cords and speakers that weren't used tonight. They begin to load up the instruments and equipment with the help of stage crew. I stand back and watch. Mostly because I'm lazy and weak, and secondly because Luke's got a cute little bum that's fun to watch. But I would never admit to anyone that I stare at Luke's ass.

The boys load up their equipment, and make their way towards me where I stand, bored, on the sidewalk. "We not taking the van?" I ask, raising an eyebrow.

"Well does anyone want to stay sober tonight?" Calum asks, glancing at us. "Didn't think so. So let's take a cab."

"Does someone have deodorant?" Michael laughs as we enter the back into the building to get the rest of their stuff. Ashton pulls a stick of deodorant out of his bag, along with bod spray hoping to disguise the smell of the sweaty boys.

"You're a life saver." Michael says while grabbing the deodorant out of Ashton's hand. I laugh as the boys drench themselves in a clean smelling spray. Calum walks over towards me, wrapping me in a bear hug.

"Hi Cal." I laugh as Calum tightens his already strong grip on me.

"Do I smell okay?" He looks up to me with big brown eyes.

***

okay so this is chapter one, and its really rough i know. i'll come back and edit this later. i just am really excited to get this story started cause i have the whole thing planned out, i just didn't know how to get it started. but i think this story is going to be good, so keep with me