C L O S E R || hwang hyunjin

desperate

"Do you need some water?" I stood, leaning up against the counter, staring at Jisung lying on the couch. 
"Yeah." Jisung moaned as he covered his face. I walked to the sink and filled up a glass as thoughts ran through my mind.
"Will I be able to go back to school?" I took a big sigh and didn't realize that the cup was overflowing. I shook my head and pulled the cup away. 
Jisung took a glance over at me. 
"Why are you so out of it?" He fussed. I quickly brought the water to him. "Nothing. Are you okay?"
"Uh, yeah." Jisung's eyes looked bloodshot and heavy. I sat right in front of him. I looked to the ground with so many emotions running around me. 
"Why did you do it?" I muttered. "Why did you run off again?"
Jisung took a deep breath while avoiding eye contact with me.
"I mean, you don't have to tell me, but I am always here for you, you know. Like, there's a lot I sacrifice for you.. and well, I want to know if something happened to trigger you to go out like that?" I let out what I was thinking without thinking at all.
"Ah, I guess dad told you to not go back to school again?" The sound of Jisung's voice was so low. "There is definitely something wrong. He's avoiding the question." I slowly felt my selfish heart stir up. 
"Yeah, cause you went out. I mean," I caught myself from lashing out by taking a big sigh.
"Why does it matter? You don't have any friends anyway." 
"I-" When he said that I immediately thought of Hyunjin, "Is he, my friend? my true friend? did all that happen to scare him?" 
"Right." I shrugged back. "But, I have to watch over you, what happened?" I glared up at him. Jisung started to cough. "Mom is sick. You didn't know, did you? that's why dad wants you here with me. Mom can't do it." 
By what he said, I almost dropped my phone that was grasped in my hand. "Mom is sick...? But shouldn't I be the one to take care of her?" I looked around the room and realized mom wasn't there. 
"Right, she's at the center, she's being taken care of her." Jisung covered his face with a heavy breath. "I already lost so much, I just couldn't handle it. I guess.." Jisung's hand swayed around.
I quickly held him up. I felt guilty for having these built-up emotions and selfish feelings, it made me feel worse. 
"Don't do anything reckless.." I said in a soft voice. "I want to be more understanding to people.. and being selfish is not going to help it."I thought to myself.
"That's why you're here." Jisung made a small smirk while dropping his head. "Thank you for being here. You're the only one I feel comfortable around." Jisung shrugged. "You can go call your boyfriend or whatever, I will just be here on the couch." Jisung popped his head up and put his feet up. 
"But," I tried to stop him.
"I am not going to quarantine you. You deserve to know people too, unlike me." Jisung scratched his head, trying to lighten up his mood. 
"Right.." I looked down. "Thanks."
I wanted to call someone but I wasn't sure who. I looked down at my phone.
I suddenly got a text.


"Hey, I heard you aren't coming back to school..are you okay?" Changbin messaged. 

"I guess Hyunjin told him..? that means Hyunjin was thinking about it.." I worried as I fidgeted with my phone and texted back: "Yeah, a lot happened but I am good..I will hopefully be back soon..did Hyunjin tell you?"
"Yeah, I was just wondering because Hyunjin was so worried." When I read the text I was shocked. "He was worried?..." I muttered to myself. "This isn't the right time to worry about stuff like that." I got frustrated with myself.
I didn't know what feelings to feel, I just felt so empty, It didn't really click to me that this was actually happening. I shook my head out of my trance. 
"Tell Hyunjin That I am okay and that he can call me if he wants," I told Changbin.
"Sure thing. I am always here to text too, okay?" Changbin popped up again. I felt a little bit assured knowing there was someone there. I quickly put down my phone and watched what was on the tv with my brother. 
After some time had passed I quickly stood up, "I will make us something to eat." 
"I am not hungry." Jisung fussed. 
"Well, You are going to eat." I slid into the kitchen. I took a big sigh. "I am supposed to take care of you, remember?" I got out a pan and started to cook noodles, chicken, veggies, and sauce. 
"You don't have to cook a four-course meal though. I am fine with frozen food or ramen." Jisung yelled to me from the living room.
"That's fine. I like cooking." As I cut up the veggies I couldn't help but picture mom at the doctor, worries started to fill me. 
"What exactly does she have...?" 

Time in the day felt so slow, so drained, everything was so low. It came to the end of the day and Me and Jisung were just sitting on the couch. I slowly started to fall asleep, but someone quickly came in the door. I popped up and realized mom came in, in a rush. 
"Sorry I am late." She made a light laugh. I looked at her frantically. "Are you okay...?" Is all I could say.
She fidgeted with her hands, and her smile turned into a frown. "I am guessing you found out? I am great. Don't you guys worry?" She moved over to the kitchen. "And Annie, you can go to school..your dad was just acting out of the moment. Jisung is old enough to take care of himself." 
The truth was yes, I wanted to go back to school.
But there was no way I could leave them two here. I looked down, taking a deep breath. "I can't leave you guys here or I will be worried about you both all day long."

I didn't know why she was just brushing it all off as nothing had happened. I looked outside and realized it was getting dark. I felt drained even though I didn't do anything all day.
"There's nothing that can be done." My mom muttered as she started to prepare food. 
"But, I can't just pretend as nothing has happened..and Jisung too." I looked back at Jisung, who looked drained.
"How about you take a nice walk, huh?" my mom suggested. I was so confused. "Why are they acting so weird? Did Jisung lie to me? is there something else that's wrong?" I took a deep breath and decided to take a step outside. 
I took another deep breath as I felt the breeze hit my face. 
"It feels a bit chillier today," I muttered to myself as I stuck my hands in my coat pockets. I looked at the ground as I started to walk.
"Maybe she just wanted me to clear my head and really just think about things...?" I tried to come up with a scenario in my head as I walked. My mind started to wonder. 
"Is there even much to think about..?" I laughed to myself. I shouldn't have been laughing at this time, but the truth was, I didn't even know how to feel. I didn't know what was going on. So my eyes wondered around, looking around at the houses I passed.
"Right. Hyunjin lives close by." I remembered. I had a deep feeling in my chest. "I still want to see him, but he probably doesn't want to see me." I laughed to myself. As I turned my head to look across the street I recognized someone.
I saw Hyunjin and Changbin walking together with their backpacks. I quickly hid behind a car so they didn't see me. "Why are they walking back from school this late? it's only been one day..did they do something..?" I muttered to myself again, then took a peek. I saw Changbin playfully nudging Hyunjin's shoulder. Hyunjin had a shy smile on his face. 
"Are they good friends now?" I scrunched my nose at the thought. I sat there to see if they would pass. 
"Why do I want to be beside them so badly right now?" I thought to myself. After a minute passed I took another look and saw Hyunjin was walking off but Changbin was crossing the street coming this way. I started to panic. I looked around to see if there was a quick place to hide but before I knew it Changbin appeared right in front of me.
"Annie?!" He gasped. 
I chuckled nervously as I looked up. "What are you doing here? Were you...?" Changbin dropped his hands. "Were you spying on us?" Changbin placed his hands on his waist, with a smirk.
I quickly stood up, brushing off my pants. "No no no!" I waved my hands.
I started to chuckle nervously. "I just happened to pass by you guys and well...I was nervous you guys would see me." I scratched my head while looking to the ground.
"Well, you mean Hyunjin, right? you were afraid to see him." Changbin glared down at me. I was shocked by what he said. 
"Uh...how? no no it's not that." I shook my hands trying to deny what he was saying. All he could do was let out a chuckle. I quickly ran back up on the sidewalk, standing across from him. "So, you two walked back together?" I scratched my head. 
"Yeah." Changbin shrugged. "He was quiet most of the time, but he is worried about you though." he looked down while kicking his feet. "You are okay, though, right?" 
It sounded like he was worried. "But why is he worried about me...?" The thought ran around in my head. 
"Yeah, I think. I am not sure how to think I guess, but it's fine. I don't want you to worry about me." I shrugged and looked away. 
"Ah, well, whatever may have happened. Hyunjin and I are both worried so you can always talk to us. Don't fear that." Changbin coughed because he was embarrassed. "Anyway, I am going to the bus stop to go to work..if you need to talk or just need a distraction you can come along." Changbin shrugged and grabbed a hold of his bag. He started to walk off. It was late, but, I wanted to be around someone. I felt this emptiness, and I wanted to search for a filling. I wanted to know: "To Truly care about someone, and have someone really care, too." I followed behind him. "Would I not be bothering?"
"No." He said sternly. 
"Thank you. I am just not used to having many friends so, I just want to make sure."
"Hyunjin is your friend, right?" Changbin took a quick glance back at me.
"Yeah, Yeah. Of course..to me anyway, I don't know if he sees me as a friend." I scratched my head. As I said that Changbin let out a small chuckle.
"Yeah, he's worried about you, why wouldn't he be?" We both arrived at the bus stop. The bus pulled up just in time. By instinct, I just followed him in. He sat by the window and I sat next to him.
"You should text him." Changbin scratched his nose while putting his bag on his lap. 
"Oh, I mean..I thought about it. But, I didn't want to bother him.." I looked down at my hands, laughing at myself.
"You don't have to worry so much. He's too nervous to text you first because he's shy, but you should let him know you are okay, right? you don't want him to be upset worrying, like. That's worse than texting him and maybe interrupting him." Changbin looked outside at the dark, rolling street as we passed many cars. Many people were on the bus too, so it was hard to hear him.
"Right." I baffled by my feelings. I knew what he was saying was right, but I was still worried. I didn't want to bother them with my problems. I wasn't used to people actually caring about them, but they didn't know that. I sat there, it was silent and we said little words to each other. As the bus came to a stop, Changbin got up as I remained seated. "Thank you for shining that light on me." I quickly said right before he had walked out the automatic bus door. He made a small nod and smile and hopped off.
I looked down at myself. "Maybe he is right," I mumbled, hoping no one else was listening. 

I was so lost in thought, that I just sat there on the bus until it stopped. I suddenly looked up and realized where I was. "I missed the stop back home." I panicked. I quickly got out of my seat and right as the bus stopped, I ran out. I was in town, away from my house. I stepped onto the sidewalk, people making their way around me. I looked around, still wondering what to do. "Maybe I should just walk around and clear my thoughts." I thought to myself as I shoved my hands in my pockets and started walking down the street. I felt this emptiness, and this confusion running through me: "Should I really text him? I am just afraid he doesn't want to be my friend like before or it's too awkward to even text now.." I laughed to myself in my head. Deep down I knew I was overthinking things but, being alone, in the cold, really helped clear my thoughts. I continued to walk, without knowing where I was going. I was just following the road. I looked up and watched as cars drove by. I quickly crossed the street, looking around at the shops and places around me. 
"Yeah, doesn't Hyunjin know someone who works at one of these.." I felt my thoughts start to drift. I shook my head. "Why is he popping up in my head again?" I felt frustrated with myself. 
I felt a bit cold, I saw my breath in the air. I tried to stuff my head in my coat. As I walked I heard loud laughs coming from across the street. I could see, two guys standing in front of a cafe. The light from the cafe lit the area around them. I looked closer and recognized Hyunjin and his friend from the shop giving him something. 
"I thought he went home...has it been that long?" I quickly broke free from my trance. I quickly grabbed my phone out of my pocket to check the time.
"It's almost midnight?!" I shuffled my hands in my pockets and started to feel even more frustrated with myself. I started to pace around to see where I was but, I had forgotten. Then I heard a "Hey!!"
I quickly looked across the street, seeing Jeongin waving at me. I tried to hide my face in my coat. "no no no I don't want Hyunjin to see me." I closed my eyes, I didn't know exactly why I didn't want him to see me. The truth is, the feeling deep down, I did was to see him. The nervousness grabbed onto my chest, I slowly opened my eyes as I got chills all over my body. I saw Hyunjin right in front of me. He followed my eyes as I looked at him. I tried to cover my face.
"Annie..?" He let out a little voice.
"Uhhhh." I started to panic around. 
"You can be still..it's okay," Hyunjin said with a slight chuckle. I quickly stopped and stood firmly. I didn't know why I was so nervous. 
It has been a long time since I went to school, time has passed longer than I had thought. I haven't seen him in so long, I felt like I saw a new face.
"It's been a long time." He scratched his head. Then we both his friend yelling from across the street. "Uh... how about you come in..it's a bit cold!" Jeongin said nervously with a shy smile on his face. "Right." Hyunjin looked nervous too.
"Is it awkward to be around me?" I thought as I followed behind him. I was worried and I wasn't sure why. 
Jeongin opened the door for both of us. "Isn't it closed though?" I looked up at Jeongin, who was scratching his head with a shy smile. "I mean, not to friends." He released a small laugh. Hyunjin sat at a table, he looked really serious. He combed back his hair with his fingers. I stood there not knowing what to do, so I just looked down.
"It's been a while..I was getting afraid." Hyunjin let out, softly. Jeongin awkwardly scooted out of the room into the back of the coffee shop. 
"Uh, I didn't realize how long it actually was..time just seemed unreal to me I guess," I muttered. I didn't what to say exactly. I was afraid of saying the wrong thing. 
"Are you okay?" As he asked that I quickly looked up at him. His face was full of concern. "What am I kidding? I left him worried this whole time and worrying he wasn't caring but the truth was he did this whole time and I just ignored him.." I realized in my mind.
"Yes..I mean, A lot has happened but I think things are getting clearer." I made a small nod, with the realization I could barely bring myself to look at him.
"I just felt like you couldn't be my friend anymore..I mean, I was worried that I would lose my first friend like you." Hyunjin let out a laugh, but I felt like he was hiding how he really felt. I quickly looked up at him. "I was worried about the same thing!! I was afraid you got weirded out by me like other people before.. What I mean is I am sorry for worrying you, and I do want to be your friend. Actually more than anything right now, I know it sounds weird." I realized how awkward I was being so I turned away from him to hide my face. I heard him stand up and walk closer to me. "I am glad that you feel that way." He said, with an awkward smile. 
"I didn't want to text you because I wanted to give you space and I didn't really know what to say.." Hyunjin admitted. I quickly turned around to see him looking down at the ground, kicking his feet. 
"He's opening up..I didn't know I was this close to him yet.." I felt my mood getting lighter and lighter as I was with him.
"Anyway," Hyunjin made a nervous laugh.
"Yeah, I am sorry about that." I felt bad, but the thought still wandered around in my head. "We met not so long ago..and he already saw me as a close friend?.." I still had that small doubt in me. But, I shrugged it off for now and awkwardly made my way to the table.
Jeongin ran in, with two coffees in his hands, almost spilling them as he got to the table. "Here you go." Jeongin made a shy smile.
Hyunjin looked shocked at him.
"w-what?" Jeongin's eyes widened.
"You are giving us coffee at midnight." Hyunjin took a quick sip.
"Uh..." Jeongin panicked. "I didn't know what else to do." he took a deep breath and awkwardly turned the other way. 
"It's fine." I chuckled. "I enjoy drinking coffee at any time.." I started to think again. "My family is probably so worried and mad that I have been out so long..especially with all that had happened." 
"Oh," Hyunjin spoke up. "Teacher Chan postponed the trip because something came up..but it's coming up again..if you could possibly go?" he had a soft voice, he was ruffling with his hair.
"Oh, I would love to go. Family times are still a bit tense but I am sure I can go somehow..It'll be good to have fun and clear my head." I made a small laugh.
Hyunjin made a small nod as he sipped his coffee. 
"Anyway." I awkwardly stood up. "I should get back home so my family isn't worried about me. Plus it's cold." I chuckled nervously and turned around to head out the door. 
"Hope to...see you there." Hyunjin let out right as I left. I looked back and made a gentle smile at him. I felt the cold air hit my face, I scrunched my nose.
"Ahhh, it's cold. But, I feel warm inside." I muttered to myself as I snuggled in my coat. All I could think about now was getting home to my warm bed, with hot cocoa and watching anime. I quickly paced down the street.
So much more time had passed than I thought, I felt like I have been in a trance ever since that day had happened and that Hyunjin broke me free from it. I sniffled and made my way back home.
As I slowly opened the door, I peeked in and noticed there was no one there. So I slowly stepped inside. It was quiet, but my heart was pounding with nervousness.
I was scared that my dad would get mad that I left Jisung all alone with mom. I tiptoed across the hallway, and as I was heading towards my room I noticed my brother's door slightly open.
I had the temptation to look in to see how he was doing. I slowly opened the door hoping that I wouldn't wake him up.
I saw him laying in his bed, curled up in his blanket, his face looked calm and squished up against his pillow. "Cute." I thought and made a soft smile. I quickly left to go to my room. I quickly curled up in my bed to get warm. 
"I feel like the time I spent with Jisung made us both heal a bit, even if I didn't do anything, or notice the time pass." I stared at the ceiling. 
"There's no way THAT much time had passed." I quickly checked my phone to see the date, and it was pushed ahead. 
"Where did the time go." I shuffled my head around, trying to wrap my head around it. It felt like time was fast forward. 
I slammed my arms down in my bed and turned over to peek out my window with the thought going around in my mind. "I hope Hyunjin made it back home safely." With that wonder, an idea popped up in my head. 
"Why don't I text him?!" I gasped at myself, then I battled with my mind. "Nooo, he's probably asleep by now," I argued with myself. I quickly got out my phone, I wanted to text him, but I still had a doubt in my mind. 
I put my phone down. "Nah, I don't want to bother him this late....but, I do want to know if he made it back safe." I started to get frustrated with myself as it was so dark in my room. I quickly got out my phone and went onto his contact. 

"Hey, I was wondering if you made it back home safe? Sorry if this is too late. I hope you rest well tonight." 
I tightened my eyes as I sent it. I turned off my phone and plopped it on my bed. I immediately heard a ding. I looked to see it was just a notification for a like on my post. "Darn.." For some reason I was nervous to hear back from him, I was nervous to talk to him, for some reason that heavy pressure in my chest started to intensify. I saw my phone light up the darkroom again. I quickly picked it up and held my phone close to my face. 
"I did. I see you did too. Thank you."
I smiled at the text and gently put my phone on the table. 
"Now that I know that I can sleep gently," I muttered to myself, with a huge smile on my face, tucked inside my pillow. 

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