Jasper
When Bella first kissed me I'd been shocked. I'd had no chance to react before I felt her embarrassment wash over me and she'd pulled away. I knew if I had said anything at the time it would just have made things worse. Her embarrassment was the most I'd ever felt from anyone and there was no way I was going to do anything to add to it. By the time we'd gotten home it had died down enough that I could ask her why she had kissed me. Her answer was what I had expected and I knew from testing her emotions that there was nothing behind it.How ever innocent it was though it hasn't stopped me from thinking about it often. Hell if I'm honest it has been a week and all I've done is think about it. I just couldn't seem to get it out of my head. I've tried repeating to myself that it hadn't meant anything and that she was just excited.I had been the one to help get her out of the car. She would probably have kissed Bobby or Jesse if they had been the ones to help her out. Okay not liking that fucking thought at all. Fuck what the hell was wrong with me? It didn't mean anything.Okay maybe if I keep telling myself that it will start to be true. IT DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING. Fuck I don't think it's working for me.Shaking my head I tried to clear the image of her lips on mine. She'd been so warm and soft and it had felt so good though. Fuck I was going insane. Could a vampire go insane? Apparently they could and I was going to end up the fucking poster child for that shit.I didn't need to keep dwelling on the kiss that was for damn sure. It was only succeeding to turn me into a complete and utter idiot. The more I thought about it the more it kept making me over think shit I had no business thinking about to begin with.Fuck, fuck, fuck. I was in serious fucking trouble because…I think…quite possibly…I might just be…starting to feel…for Bella…in more than a…purely platonic way…fuck. Yes? NO? Very fucking likely. SHIT. I was empathic for god's sake. How in the hell had that shit snuck up on me without my fucking knowledge? Fuck.She wasn't feeling the same way though so I knew one thing for certain. She could never know what if anything I was feeling. She'd been in love with one vampire, my own brother, already and we all see how well that shit turned out. There was no way in hell she could love me like that. Fuck what the hell am I talking about? Love. Shit I'm so screwed."Jasper," Great now my inner voice has turned into a girl. A girl that sounds exactly like Bella. I'll say it again. I AM SCREWED."JASPER!" Shit that's not my inner voice."Huh?" I questioned looking over my shoulder."I think my pancakes might be dead.""What?""My pancakes. I don't think they should be smoking like that."Glancing quickly at the pan I saw what she was talking about. Fuck, way to go dumb ass serve her hockey pucks for breakfast."Shit." I said throwing the whole damn pan into the sink and turning the water on. "Sorry.""Its fine I can eat cereal, but would you care to explain what was going through your head.""Oh it was nothing.""Didn't look like nothing. You burned breakfast and I had to call your name twice. What's the matter?""Just thinking.""About?""Um…number 5?"Yeah not very bright there, making it into a question. That won't make her stop asking questions at all. Idiot."Number 5?""Um…yeah. I forgot to mention you need to take vacation time next week." That sounds good."You forgot?" She asked raising an eyebrow.Why did she ask it like that? Oh right because we don't forget anything. Fuck I'm screwed."Yeah, sorry. Will it be a problem for you to get off?""I don't think so. I haven't taken any vacation this year and I just need Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday off."I nodded absently as I washed the burnt pan."Are you sure you're okay?""Yeah. I'm fine." I said giving her a smile."Oookay. I'm headed to work then.""Bye."I heard Bella get up from the table and I knew she was staring at my back, but I couldn't turn around until I heard the door open and close. I needed to get my shit straightened out before I a) pissed her off and sent her on another angry rant after which she tells me to leave, b) embarrass her to the point that she tells me to leave, or c) end up kissing her and freak her the fuck out and she tells me to leave. We had to stay exactly how we were, best friends.When the sound of her truck disappeared I raced to my phone and called Disney and the airlines. Since I was being an idiot and couldn't seem to think straight I had to change our reservations to next week instead of three weeks from now. Thankfully both had openings and with a big ass fucking fee I was able to get it worked out.The rest of the day I sat and thought. By the time Bella came home I'd convinced myself that my feelings were all in my head as a result of the kiss. I had never felt like this with Alice so I knew that I didn't feel for Bella any other way than as a friend and the kiss even though it was innocent on her part had turned me upside down strictly because it had been so long since I'd had any intimate contact. Yeah that's sounds good.The rest of the week passed quickly. Bella spent most of the weekend packing since I told her she'd need enough clothes to last until Sunday, while I played the Wii and answered the questions that were called down to me."Do I need long pants or shorts?""A little of both. It might be chilly some nights."A little more rummaging."Do I need dressy clothes?""Maybe.""That's not very helpful.""That's the whole point."I heard her laugh quietly and then go back to rummaging. When she was done we spent the rest of the weekend playing video games.Bella worked Monday and Tuesday, but I picked her up from work Tuesday so we could drive to Seattle. Our flight left around nine, that way we would arrive in California when the sun was down and I wouldn't have to worry about it. We would be flying back home Saturday night around 11 for the same reason.As we drove down the highway she asked, "Are you going to tell me where we're going?""To the airport.""We're flying somewhere?""Yes.""Where?""Disneyland." I said without thinking.Her face lit up and then fell, "How will that be fun? You won't be able to go out during the daytime.""Don't worry. Disneyland is celebrating their 50th year. The park closes at nine to the general public, but if you're staying at one of the Disney hotels it's open until 1.""Cool. So no lines either.""Right.""This is going to be so much fun.""I hope so. Where we're staying has a spa so you'll be able to go do that during the day.""Thank you.""You're welcome Bella." I said giving her a smile.We arrived at the airport a few hours later and had enough time to get her something to eat while we waited to board the plane.As I watched her eat I found myself going back to the kiss again. God no matter what I tell myself I can't stop dwelling on it? I don't think of her that way. She doesn't think of me that way. I need to get over it. Fuck. Why was it proving to be much easier said then done?Feeling something hit my forehead I glance at the table before looking back up at Bella."Did you just throw a French fry at me?""Yes.""Why?""Because you were off in fucking la la land to the point your eyes were glazed over. What's gotten into you lately?""I've just been thinking about some things.""Like what?""It's not important."She didn't say anything, but started picking up her food to throw away. Once she was standing she said, "You know if you don't want to tell me that's fine, but you don't need to lie and say it's nothing when I can clearly see otherwise."I opened my mouth, but she cut off whatever words were going to come out by turning her back on me and walking to the trashcan. When she came back to the table she grabbed her carryon and went toward the bathroom, not saying a word.Fuck I needed to fix this. I knew if I kept on thinking about it that it would end up being a problem. She wasn't mad at me, but I'd hurt her feelings. We'd gotten so close and had been able to tell each other what was on our minds since I came back and here I was keeping something from her. I did not want her upset with me while we were suppose to be having fun, but I also didn't want to have to tell her what I'd been thinking about. I would need to figure out something else to tell her and work harder at keeping my head clear.When she came back from the bathroom she stood by the table not meeting my eyes. "Are you ready to go to the gate?""Yeah." I answered standing up and following behind her.She didn't say anything as we walked, but as soon as we sat down she asked, "Are you leaving?""What? No. Why would you think that?"She shrugged her shoulder while looking anywhere but at me."Hey," I said grabbing her chin and turning her head. "I'm not leaving. I swear.""Then what is it Jasper?"As soon as the words left her mouth it finally hit me what I needed to do. What I'd been keeping from her since the beginning and the only thing left I'd not told her."My past." I answered a few minutes later, feeling her confusion immediately."I don't understand.""You don't know mine. I've been thinking about how to tell you because it's not pretty. Hell known of ours was, but mine especially. Bella there is so much shit that I did and I'm worried it will change how you see me.""Why would it? From what everyone has told me about your control and my birthday I've pretty much figured out that you haven't always been a vegetarian. I've seen the scars on your neck as well and none of that has stopped me from spending time with you."To say I was shocked by her words would have been the understatement of the fucking century. I actually had nothing to say for a few minutes. The scars were the biggest thing since to most human eyes they aren't visible unless you're looking for them, but this was Bella after all."How?" I asked reaching up to run my hand over the ones on my neck."I know what I'm looking for." She answered and I noticed her rubbing her own scar. Or course she did."You never cease to surprise me. You know that?""That's a good thing though. Right?" She asked giving my that big smile of hers."Most of the time."She laughed out as they called our flight to board.As we were walking down the jet way I said, "When we get to the hotel I'll tell you everything."She nodded and said, "Thank you."Our flight was good, we talked about what we were going to do each night and the spa treatments she might try out. We finally decided to take tomorrow before going to the first park and map out a plan for each night. Our flight out was Saturday at 11:15 which meant we wouldn't be doing anything, so we had to cover just Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday night.Two and a half hours after taking off from Seattle we were landing at the Orange County airport. Making our way to baggage claim we grabbed our bags and went to get the rental car. We could have just taken the shuttle to the hotel and then the shuttle from the hotel to the parks, but I wanted to make sure we had something in case Bella wanted to go out during the day somewhere.An hour after landing we were in the hotel room. Bella was in the shower and I was trying to get all my thoughts together. It wasn't what I had been thinking about at all when she'd called me out on my inattention, but it would work to appease her.When Bella came out of the bathroom a few minutes later dressed in a pair of flannel pants and a tank top she settled herself on the couch and turned toward me pulling her legs up to sit Indian style.Taking a deep breath I mimicked her and started talking. I told her everything; from the time I ran away to join the army to the day I found Alice. I left nothing out. I told her about Maria, my change, the wars and killing I had been a part of. When I got to the newborns I was forced to destroy I stood, pulling off my shirt and showing her the extent of my scars. I small gasp escaped her mouth and tears welled up in her eyes.Putting my shirt back on, I went on to tell her about meeting Peter, my subsequent depression, Charlotte, and their coming back to help me. When I finally finished tears were coursing down her face and I felt horrible for making her cry. Dropping my head into my hands, I waited for what was to come."Jasper, look at me, please." she pleaded.I raised my head slightly. The look on her face brought my head up the rest of the way. Feeling her emotions I was stumped that I didn't feel the normal pity that I'd gotten from the Cullen family instead there was so much pride it was unreal."Why are you proud of me?" I questioned."Because you are so much stronger than I or anyone else has ever given you credit for.""What?""Jasper you were right and I was wrong. What you told me changes the way I see you, but not in the way you thought it would. Your life after you became a vampire was horrible and that bitch Maria was fucking insane. At the time it was kill or be killed and if my being okay with the choice made makes me a bad person then so be it because I am completely thankful you made that choice because you're here now. But you knew that you hated that life and when you were given the option to change it you did. You may have still killed people, but you did it to survive and as little as possible until something else came along and when she did you didn't hesitate. Yeah maybe you have slipped since then, but so has Emmett and Edward and they don't have the excuse you do in their past, but look at your eye color now. Once you left the family you could have gone back to the way you were and you even stayed with Peter and Charlotte and still chose the vegetarian lifestyle because it is who you are. You aren't that monster that you used to be and you haven't been since you left Maria. That makes you stronger than even Carlisle.""Thank you." It was the only thing I could say at the moment.She smiled and looked down, wiping the few tears that were still falling away.As she looked back up I felt her resolve just before she whispered, "Can I tell you something?""Of course. You know you can tell me anything."She nodded, but didn't continue and I realized what was coming."You don't have too. It doesn't matter what happened.""It does." She said with a small smile and then she let it all out. The three days leading up to the breakup, the walk into the woods, and the whole conversation of Edward telling her he never loved her. As she talked a fresh wave of tears had started and I caught myself reaching over to wipe them away. When she finished, she looked down at her hands and mumbled something.I pulled her face back up and asked, "What did you just say?""I said I should have expected it. I always knew I didn't deserve him, he was so perfect and…"I didn't let her finish. I was mad. "I don't want to ever hear you say that again." She flinched at the force of my words, but I ignored it and continued. "He was the one who didn't deserve you. You are so brave and caring and beautiful and you deserve to be treated that way. You don't deserve to be broken like that by anyone. Edward chose to leave you, which proves he wasn't good enough, not the other way around.""But…""But nothing Bella. It's the truth, and you are just going to have to deal with it." I said smiling.She huffed out a breath, but smiled slightly anyway.Leaning forward I grabbed her arms pulling her closer and wrapped her in a hug. "Thank you for telling me.""It was time." She said sitting back up. When she was back on her side of the couch she asked, "Do you think I might ever get the chance to meet Peter and Charlotte one day?""You would want to?""Yeah. They helped you and are your friends. Do you think they would like me and not just for dinner?"I laughed. "I know they would love you, Charlotte especially and you wouldn't have to worry that they would hurt you at all.""Why?""Let's just say you aren't their type. You aren't dying and you haven't committed a heinous crime against someone else.""So those…""Since they left Maria. That's the only people they go after.""Good. " She said and then, "That makes me a really bad person doesn't it?""No, it makes you honest."She gave me a smile and grabbed the remote off the table, flipping to the Food Network.We sat quietly watching Paula Deen for a few minutes before she leaned over putting her head in my lap.Looking up she asked, "Is this okay?""It's fine," I said."Thanks."An hour later Bella was asleep. I could have taken her to bed, but I honestly didn't want to. I liked watching her like that; her face was just so peaceful. Sighing I turned off the TV and rested my head on the back of the sofa, closing my eyes. My hand ran absently through her hair as I waited for morning to come.I didn't move until hours later after the sun had been up for awhile.Hearing her stomach growl I shook her shoulders softly and whispered, "Wake up sleepyhead."She smiled before opening her eyes asking, "What time is it?""Around 9."She sat up quickly and said, "I'm sorry. Why didn't you wake me up sooner?""I didn't want to."Her stomach growled again stopping anymore questions. Laughing I said, "Why don't you run down to the lobby for breakfast and some brochures while I take a shower and then we'll go over the plan for the next few days."She nodded and shot up off the couch to grab a pair of shoes.Twenty minutes later we were both sitting at the table looking over the two park maps and the Downtown Disney brochure. We decided to do Disneyland Park tonight, followed by Disneyland Adventure Park tomorrow night and then Friday night we'd head to Downtown.On each of the park maps Bella circled the things she wanted to do most and I seriously hoped we had enough time each night to do everything. In Downtown we were just going to play it by ear.We hung out in the room the rest of the day watching TV and talking. Around 9:45 we headed over to the park.We spent the entire four hours at the park. Bella's excitement was so different then what it has been for the first four things on the list. She was like a little kid. Her laughing became contagious and I would even catch other people smiling and laughing with her as she babbled on and on about the ride we had just come off of or the show we'd just went to. Her favorite was the Mad Tea Party and It's a Small World rides. She wouldn't shut up about them. I of course preferred Indiana Jones and Pirates of the Caribbean, but I am a guy.By the time 1 in the morning rolled around we'd ridden everything that Bella had wanted to and even our favorites a couple of times.When we got back to the room Bella went straight to bed. I slipped out to hunt a few miles away after she was asleep.Thursday when she woke up she asked, "Did you already pay for the spa treatments?""No, why?""Well because I don't want to go do that and have you be alone.""I don't mind.""I know you don't, but I do. So I'm going to go get us something to do together. I'll be back in a little bit."I nodded as she left the room without another word.Two hours later she walked back in with three Wal-mart bags and one from McDonalds.I eyed her warily as she set the bags down and turned to me with a smile. "Okay we've got cards, normal and Uno, Scrabble, Monopoly, Scattergories, Yatzee, and Backgammon. So what are we doing first?""You're serious?""Yes." She answered with a raise of an eyebrow."Monopoly then?""Good choice."We spent all day laughing and throwing hotels and houses back and forth at each other. Every now and then I would look up to find Bella watching me with a smile, which I would always return.That night we went back to the kids we used to be. The only big ride we rode was the Tower of Terror which Bella didn't love. If I hadn't been able to feel the terror, no pun intended, coming off her then the claws she calls fingernails trying to tear their way through the stone skin of my arm would have been answer enough.The rest of the time we spent in A Bugs Land riding every kid ride they had. It was actually a lot of fun.Friday was spent in the same fashion as the day before, but we did venture into the Backgammon game and Scrabble.That night as we walked the streets of Downtown Disney I couldn't help but think about the past couple of days and how much I'd enjoyed them. I was actually sad to see it end tomorrow night, but also I knew that we still had five more things on the list to enjoy together and I was going to make the most of them.We went through the shops where Bella got a few souvenirs before making our way to the Jazz Club. The music wasn't really a genre that we both listened to, but we enjoyed it anyway. Once it was over we made our way back to the car and propped up on the hood. I'd specifically parked on the top level of the Mickey and Friends parking deck. I'd read that it had the best view of the fireworks other than the parks themselves. The past two nights we had been on a ride or in a show when they had started so we hadn't had a chance to really pay attention to them.Once they started a little while later I glanced over at Bella and once again thought about the past few days and as she looked over, giving me a smile-I knew. The kiss had started it, but her telling me that I was the strongest person she knew and the fun we'd had just being with each other had changed things for me. I was falling for Bella Swan and I was so screwed.
