FRIDA' S LIST

Chapter 15 The relapse

On the morning, I felt like a crack addict having a relapse. Seeing Anthony last night wasn't a good thing at all. That made things worse. I couldn't quiet this nagging voice in my mind that kept yelling I love him! I need him! I wanna see him again! It was a curse. Once again, he left me with this feeling that my life was TOTALLY empty without his smile, his voice, and his eyes. I missed everything. I was addicted to him, and why, why was I insignificant to him? I envied my dog. She was SO free. I mean she just needed to be fed, and someone to play with sometimes, and that was it. She had no pressure put on her.

Later, in the afternoon, I went to my poetry club. I expected to run into Anthony. But, he wasn't there. And for no reason, I felt betrayed and as abandoned as my character. I could die, he couldn't care less. I had the feeling that I was sinking, sinking so deeply into this hole, this endless hole, down there, in the darkness of his indifference toward me. And as to remind me that the world was somehow against me, I found out a note in my locker after the poetry club session.

"Janitor, leave the club."

I should be flattered to draw all this attention, but I was not. I felt like super shit. Everything seemed to fall apart around me and no one could save me. And I felt this rage. A burning rage was invading my heart. I hated him. I wanted to hurt him somehow or to do something that would bother him, hurt me as much as I was hurt. That' s why, after the meeting, I went home right away without waiting for Jonathan. That night, Maeva was throwing the party to celebrate our friendship. At 10 pm, I went to her place with a plan.

There were a lot of teens; most of them were from our high school. I wandered through her place, with one unique goal: take my revenge. I talked a bit with a girl called Lucy Guerin and a bunch of guys. They were talking about depression; and her boyfriend who was struggling with mental illness. It wasn't exactly what I needed at the moment. I took a can of beer. It was hot and disgusting. I kept drinking to relax. I hated Anthony. I hated to be wise and obedient. I hated my virginity, and as he wanted me to stay out of the field of play, I decided to do the opposite. Tonight, I was gonna move on, and for good. I looked around and saw Steve Clément. His eyes met mine and he walked toward me.

"Hey. How you doin', Joker?" he said, smiling at me.

"Don't call me like that. And for the record, it was a normal smile."

He chuckled.

"You changed your hairstyle," I said.

"Yeah, I wanted to try something new."

"This one's pretty cool," I nodded.

"Thanks."

"So? They kicked you out," I said.

"Yeah, I guess," he nodded, taking a sip of his beer.

"What did you do?"

"Long story short: I tried to make the place less dark. But obviously, they don't like art."

"Art? And since when are you an artist?" I chuckled.

"Since my birth. When I was a toddler I used to impress my kindergarten teacher with my drawings of dinosaurs."

"Oh, so you draw dinosaurs. I'm impressed."

"Not anymore. I'm a painter now."

"A painter? Seriously?"

He pulled out his cell phone and showed me a picture.

"Check this out," he said.

"What ...is it supposed to be?" I frowned.