God is my Judge

After

We spent weeks in the same spot waiting to see if he'd come back. He didn't. Everyday Daniel left before I woke up and returned long after I'd gone to sleep. The only reason I knew he'd been there is that there was a Gatorade and prenatal vitamin sat out along with breakfast every morning. He usually left money beside a takeout menu as well. I never asked where he got the money, though I don't think he would have told me if I had. Some days I walked through town, sat at the park and watched all the people pass. Other days I just stared at the walls in the hotel room wondering what happened to us. Where is Noah now? Is he happier? Did he run to get away from me? Why did Daniel leave me when I needed him most? And then one day out of the blue Daniel was there when I woke up. He sat on the end of the bed watching tv. I opened my mouth to speak but he beat me to it.
"Grab your things. This town has nothing left for us."
When we left it was silent. I felt nothing, no attachment to the place where I had spent so many weeks. I put my bag in the trunk but Daniel through his in the backseat, where Noah usually sat. Is it that easy for you to forget him, I thought as I stared at his bag. When I looked up he was watching my face, gauging me for a reaction. So I shrugged and settled into the front seat. When I looked down at the cupboard there was a Gatorade right next to a prenatal vitamin and a breakfast burrito, but nothing for him.
"Aren't you going to eat?"
He looked taken aback for a second but quickly recovered.
"I already ate."
I didn't believe him and he knew it, but I knew better than to push him. I didn't have the energy to fight. I laid back and took a bite out of the burrito, looking at him out of the corner of my eye.
"Seatbelt and vitamin."
I rolled my eyes.
"You're not responsible for me, you know."
His eyes flashed dangerously.
"Well you're sure as hell not responsible for yourself, are you?"
"How dare you, I'm mourning."
He scoffed, running his hands through his hair and tugging at the ends. He turned to face me.
"No, you're not mourning, Azra. You're letting go because it's easy."
"I loved him."
At that he actually laughed. I hadn't meant to say that, I was lying and we both knew it. I loved him like I loved a brother or a small puppy. He was better off without me.
"I do love him, I think, the only way I know how."
He shook his head.
"That's easy to say. Something you think you think you have to because he put a baby in you. You don't love him."
"But I-"
And suddenly he kissed me, hard. I couldn't think, I could only react. My hands flew up to the side of his face to pull him into me more. Suddenly he pulled back.
"If you loved him you couldn't kiss me like that."
I sat there breathless, speechless, and drowning in shame all at the same time. I swallowed hard and looked out the window, not bothering to answer him.
"Just let me take care of you."
I still don't answer. He knows exactly what he's done, how could he not? I've dreamed of that kiss for over a year and that's what he gives me?! The best kiss of my life, how dare he. How dare he kiss me to make a point when I wanted him more than I wanted air to breathe and water to drink. How. Dare. He. So I took the damn vitamin. I looked him in the eye, gritted my teeth, and gave him a small bow afterwards.
"Anything else, master?"
I saw his jaw flex and I felt a twinge of satisfaction knowing I'd got to him, at least a little.
"Keep saying that, I'll bend you over my knee."
My breath caught in my throat and my face flushed, then I caught him looking at me. Too late, I realized exactly what he'd done. He'd gotten me. Again. I blew air through my nose, crossed my arms, and looked out the window.
"So where are we going."
He sighed and ran his hand back through his hair suddenly looking very tired.
"I think I found Noah."
Well. That caught my attention.