Adrift

8

Aoi Chigusa

I kept thinking last night. My thoughts poured out relentlessly and would diverge into two roads. One of them led me to do something stupid – call Maki in the middle of the night. She didn't pick up for the first time, not even the second nor the third. Of course, it didn't intercept yet in my brain that it was just foolish so I called again.

This time, after five rings, Maki picked up. I didn't hear her voice at first so I spoke before she did.

"Do you hate me?" I asked.

I could hear her breathing but she refused to speak.

"I just don't get it because I don't think I've ever done something before we ended, for you to hate me so bad. Tell me, was I really that bad as a boyfriend?" I continued to make myself shameful however I was serious and hurting.

"I-I" Maki stuttered in the other line however she didn't continue anymore.

"Do you truly think I'm pathetic? That hurts me a lot. I've been very real to you and coming from you to judge me like that. It's just painful." Right on after that, I cried. Not only was I crying, but I also wailed loudly on the phone. Now that I think about it, it's very embarrassing.

What was strange is that Maki didn't end the call. I even heard her soft snoring and the loud noise of the air condition of her room. She fell asleep listening to me cry and tell her sappy things. I too, fell asleep with the phone stuck on my ear.

The second road was Ishiki's saliva. Its wet and sticky substance might have left as I washed it off countless times however the sensation never left. It never left and it's still here up until now right this morning. Ceaselessly reminding me of the words I thought I never thought I could say to Yamada.

Seeing Yamada's face fall down broke something inside me. The reality is, I've always been a bleak guy who's too scared to do things however I never wanted to hurt him.

I knew Mamoru Yamada since our Junior High. We would play videogames in his old house when he was still staying with his parents. He promised to always follow me wherever I go so he followed me in High School and I was pleased. The reason why Mamoru is renting at a low rate apartment just so he could escape his old house. I would visit so he wouldn't feel alone. He preferred that over the company of his parents.

He was like a brother to me. Someone who I wanted to depend on me. It changed when suddenly I was asked out by Maki in our first year. At first, he would stay together with our dates however they didn't blend well. After a few months, Mamoru stayed behind us, slowly turning away right after until he didn't follow me anymore.

I befriended Maki's group and was presented with an opportunity. No one looked down on me and everyone thought I was refreshing and cool. Because of them, I get to possess a soft power in school. Mamoru quickly swept away from my mind. I stopped calling him his first name – Mamoru and called him Yamada again. Sad to recall but back then we were both safe. Until one night changed it all for the worst.

Damn, I truly hate Ishiki.

I haven't even noticed that I have been staring at empty space for the whole time. Yamada's grimy clothes are still on the laundry bin. I pick it up, proceed to the cramped laundry room and toss it inside the silver washing machine. The room only consists of baskets of clean clothes. They were neatly folded and categorized on each basket. My father and I hate the idea that males are predetermined to be slobs. The clothes spin around with the water. It quickly turns to brown so I drop all the contents of remaining detergent from the jar.

Ishiki is the kind of person who's always in the right despite her chaotic ways. I hate her so much, even so at times where I get deluded into thinking that she might be alright. She's funny and it helps me even brood more hate to her. The more she seems likable, the more I want to keep away.